TMI: The real birth story... with pictures.

If you don't want to see a normal looking newborn baby (read: purple, wrinkly and covered in goo) go to this version of my birth story. If you're down with the goo, read on. Even though there are pictures, it's nothing truly graphic as the photos were taken from behind me over my shoulder. I'm quite excited to share them, actually.
There is also quite a bit more detail so it's longer and more tedious. Beware! LOL

Yesterday would have been my first day back to work...

I completely forgot. I woke up with Shawn, got B and I ready for her 2-month checkup (already!!!), and then we left shortly after that. She checked out great: she weighs 11 pounds, 3.9 ounces; measures 23 inches long; and her head has grown to a 15.75 inch circumference to fit her rapidly growing brain. I swear she said "Hi" yesterday, too.
After that we went to Target, then to a local coffee shop near Shawn's work to kill an hour until it was time for his lunch break. We visited him on lunch and then went home where B and I did some yoga and meditation for over 2 hours... OK, she napped for a large part of that, but she still took part.

Shawn came home after work and we had Mexican food for dinner, then we all meditated in bed until we drifted off to sleep. I woke up this morning and B was still sleeping so I took a shower, did a yoga flow and meditation, and went back to sleep. I woke up after having some CRAZY dreams, talked to Shawn on his morning break, called my mom and then got dressed. B started to stretch and stir so I changed her and she woke up fully, all smiley and full of little baby noises. We picked out her outfit for the day and then we were both ready. She swung in her bunny swing a bit while I finished my makeup and here we are: she's passed out in her boppy and I'm writing about losing the feeling of forgetting something.

I forgot that yesterday would have been my first day back to work after Maternity Leave.

There is no way in hell B would have been ready for that. She is still attached to my boobs every couple of hours and she won't even take a pacifier let alone a bottle. She eats even more often when she has a growth spurt (which she is due for in another week AGAIN), so I just don't know how that would have worked everyday for her.

So far I do not miss work. I'm plenty busy at home with Bernice and I even got a couple of daycare kids starting after this week is over, so I guess I have a job actually. I'm also trying to do something everyday that will make money whether it's posting ads to craigslist about personal chef services, sewing monkeys/crochet stuff, or updating my HiLLjO sites. Little trickles of money find their ways to me and it's making a difference for me. So it's official: I'm a work-at-home mom.

It's all working out. It always does.

Happy Place

Years ago I had a really hard time dealing with my PTSD and anxiety. I still have a touch of it, especially when I'm tired. I have learned to manage it well over the years without medication by meditating and surrounding myself with love. Before then, Shawn was my only Happy Place and he could quell the worst of my anxiety episodes. My throat would tighten, my breathing would hasten, and I might have fainted or cried uncontrollably. He would just hold me and remind me to breathe; I now know he was probably scared or freaked out but he never let me see that. He was strong for me and got me through each trial. On one of our trips together I found a Carnelian crystal that reminded me of him and I had him wear it while we were together. When we would separate for work or other events where we couldn't be together I would take it with me and wear it. The crystal somehow helped me pull it together if I had an episode while I was out of his reach. It really comforted me and made me feel better.

Now I find myself much stronger, especially after birthing B, but like I said: sometimes when I am tired (like today) the crying spells and anxiety rear themselves up. Since Shawn has gone back to work the feeling of real life has resumed and my baby-induced state of bliss has a tinge of monotony added back into it. The stress of bills; the search for income in unconventional ways; and simply missing each other after 6 weeks of nonstop time together as a new family after B came to stay Earthside signals that reality has set back in. Harsh reality.
It's hard to watch and to let him go in the morning knowing he hates his job and hates to leave us. His boss is a bad man and runs his company without ethics, all while appearing to be successful.While we wave goodbye and shout our "loveyous" through the screen door I watch as he drives away.  It is hard to remember I am strong as the car gets further and further away. I feel my heart break while my tears rise up through my throat, nose, and finally my eyes.

Then I look down at B. So tiny in my arms. She is our reminder from Jah that everything will be alright. It has been every other time when it seemed hard or even downright impossible to make it through, and yet here we are. She is my little Carnelian crystal; my little piece of Shawn who is around even when he is not physically with us. Except unlike that crystal she truly is a piece of him, as well as a piece of me. She is the best of both of us and she inspires me to hold myself to a higher standard of being. She inspires strength in me. And while Shawn is away at work for us, she keeps his spot warm in the Happy Place which we all find again when we hear the key turn in the lock upon his arrival back from work. The Happy Place where we all wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings as a family snuggled up in our bed.

I can't wait for 5:30... especially today. I want to go to my Happy Place.

Maternity Photos by Shawn Finley - High Tension Photography

I wish I had gotten my photos taken at 30 weeks; my belly was large, I felt good and I still looked good. After that point in my pregnancy I just started to blow up and look, well, huge!
I am glad I let my guard down enough to still let Shawn take photos a mere 12 days before B was born. I know we'll treasure these images forever even though it was hard to have photos taken when I thought I looked like a big puffy pregnant blowfish. I don't think I look so bad in them now but at the time I cried between outfit changes when we reviewed the images!

 

 

 

 

 

Wife. Mother. WOMAN.

I find myself in a new place in which I have only dreamed I would be one day. I am no longer jealous; I have discovered I am exactly as I need to be and there is no point in comparing myself with anyone else. I lift up other women who once inspired a sense of lacking within me: women with their own businesses, women who are engaged, women with babies, women who are beautiful. They who are happy and seem to have it all.
Through hard work, growth and the long process of opening my heart I have become one of those women, and I have most importantly become a Woman in my own sense.
I am not happy because of any possessions I own, nor because I seem to have gotten everything I want. I am happy because I have realized I want everything that I have. I have also healed in such a way that only time marked in years could fit the place of my scars.
I am so happy being a wife to a wonderful husband who might as well be punching in and taking breaks to the sound of a steam whistle in hell, just to support his family.
I am so happy being a mother to the most beautiful child I could have dreamed of growing and birthing and feeding with my own body.
I am most happy being the kind of woman who is happy with herself and thus every gift she has been given. I am a woman of my own faith and I am to be loved.

I am happy. I am finally a Woman.

6 Weeks - Changes

Summer is half over already and our family of three is already facing changes and turning points.
Shawn returned to work yesterday after 6 blissful weeks of togetherness. It was rough; don't ask for details. Our time as a new family unit had a beautiful start and lots of memories were made.
Today the baby is 6 weeks old and that blows my mind. I feel like I was just pregnant with her and now I'm already having my postpartum checkup. Everything checked out OK and I'm ready to continue yoga and running, among other things. I feel much more normal and "myself" physically, too. The post-delivery bleeding stopped about 10 days ago, my belly is much less squishy, and my linea negra is fading, fading, fading. I wonder how long it will take until it is completely gone. I'm only 10-15 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and about one pant-size larger than my regular, comfortable pants. I'm coming along but I need to be patient and kind to myself; this new body has served me very well and has done a miraculous thing.

Baby is doing great at 6 weeks, weighing 10lb 10oz. She almost fills out 3 month clothing! We're really enjoying watching her grow. We love her so much!!!

Spinach Chicken Salad

Last week I put together a very easy, very yummy fresh spinach salad that was quick and easy enough to make, even as a busy new mommy.

You'll need:
Big handful of Organic baby spinach
1 grilled chicken breast, sliced
1/3 cup chopped baby bella mushrooms 2 pieces uncured bacon, crumbled
2 Tbsp Pecan pieces
1 Tbsp Feta crumbs

Top spinach with all ingredients above and add your favorite dressing! I used Italian but this salad has such a good base flavor that any dressing compliments it very well.

Mama's Still Got It

Before Bernice arrived I assured myself that I would have some time to be creative; after all, the baby sleeps sometimes.
Luckily Bernice is totally ok with this plan because I have gotten a hand-embroidered bookmark, a crochet phone cozy and 2 tote bags with hand-embroidered "grandma" tags on them done since she has been born. Now Bernice is sleeping again but this time I'm making something for her: a little ruffly summer dress. I knew I was holding onto that yellow gingham for something very pertinent for the last couple years. :o)