TMI: The real birth story... with pictures.

If you don't want to see a normal looking newborn baby (read: purple, wrinkly and covered in goo) go to this version of my birth story. If you're down with the goo, read on. Even though there are pictures, it's nothing truly graphic as the photos were taken from behind me over my shoulder. I'm quite excited to share them, actually.
There is also quite a bit more detail so it's longer and more tedious. Beware! LOL


May 24th : 39w2d
Shawn and I were so ready to meet our little baby. We tried one of the ways people suggest to get things going (yup, that) and then I began having irregular contractions for most of the day. We called the doula and midwives to let them know and they started on their way over that evening. They arrived and set up their equipment while the contractions continued. I was nauseous, puking and in a lot of pain. Everyone tried to rest that night and I ended up actually getting some sleep.

Midwife's log:
10:55P Noticed contractions 3-4min apart - stronger.
11:20P Called midwife
2:05A Midwife arrived
2:20A 2nd Midwife arrived
Contractions 3 mins some on top of each other.
2:37A Baby LOA FHT-120
2:50A c/o rectal pressure
3:00A Triple contraction-3 in a row
3:14A c/o hips burning
3:26A Moaning with contractions
3:30A up to urinate
3:34A FHT-144 by doppler
4:00A Standing.
5-25-13  4:38A FHT-128, 144 by doppler
Mom still having strong contractions - laying down on R side. Trying to sleep between contractions.
5:17A Nausea
6:02A FHT-124 by doppler
6:13A Going up and down stairs
6:20A Showering
6:30A Got out of shower - contractions 3 min apart
6:47A Going to try to sleep
8:04A FHT - 144 by doppler
Sleeping between contractions.

May 25th : 39w3d

When I woke up, I didn't have more than a few contractions before it became apparent things were slowing down. I had only progressed one centimeter through the entire night and the contractions continued to slow. The birth team observed me through the morning working through far-spaced and irregular contractions: Mama Kitty and all 3 women on the couch while Shawn putzed around cleaning and trying to do something for us. Anything.
We watched Bob Ross on PBS at 11:30AM. We ate Mexican food that the doula went to get for us all later that afternoon. I walked up and down the stairs so many times I can't even remember. Soon light faded and it was night again... no baby. The midwife said my cervix was not dilating evenly and was pointing backwards so she put on some gloves, got out Evening Primrose oil (softens the cervix) and held me open during contractions to try and help me dilate better. OUCH. Better than pitocin but OUCH.
Later the midwife called it a day: there was another mommy in labor that they needed to go to and I was not progressing. They suggested we all try to get some more sleep, they gave me some activated charcoal for all my puking and diarrhea and they left.
I looked at Shawn and told a lie that was only a lie in the sense that I didn't feel attached to the statement. It later was found to be true.
"It will be fine. The baby will come; we're just so much closer now. It'll be fine."
 He hugged me and then I just exploded into tears and incoherent sputtering, "I was so afraid they would leave yesterday. I knew this would happen. I didn't want anyone to leave!"

We both cried, then went to sleep. I was so pissed off each time I woke up to pee that night. No fucking contractions. No nothing. Baby was still moving well but I just wanted to hold it already. I was so huge and so swollen and so uncomfortable. I was just... done.

Midwife's Log:
5-25-13 8:40A Nausea with contractions
8:44A Shakiness
8:48A Light urge to push
8:51A Vomiting
8:58A Shakiness
9:04A FHT 120 by doppler
9:08A Milk let-down sensation
9:23A Pelvic check by request
Cervix pointing back, dilation 6cm
-3 or 4 station, 85% effaced
Cervix pulled forward manually
9:29A Vomiting
?Peed or waters leaking
9:43A Tired, going to lie down for a while.
9:55A Up, ate cereal
10:00A Quick Shower
11:00A Up, slept between contractions
11:15A Vomiting
11:28A FHT 156 by doppler
Sitting on birth ball, eating chips with cheese
11:40A Lots of low pressure
11:43A Pink show
12:58P Starting to feel nausea at peak of contractions
1:10P Ate a little lunch
1:25P Up and down stairs
1:27P FHT 144 by doppler
2:02P Starting to feel a little pushy w/ contractions
2:44P FHT 148 by doppler during contraction
3:00P Feels baby is lower
3:25P Up and down stairs 2 steps at a time
3:49P FHT 140 by doppler
3:52P Belching
4:38P Nausea and vomiting
4:45P Shakes while lying on L side
4:47P Nausea - FHT 124 by doppler
5:23P Chewable papaya tablets taken for heartburn. Contractions slowing again.
5:45P Pelvic check by midwife's request.
Cervix pointing back again-pulled forward manually through several contractions. Outer opening soft, inner opening firmer.
5:55P FHT 136 by doppler
Continue to pull cervix forward
5:57P Shakiness and emotional
6:12P 6cc Evening Primrose oil applied to cervix
Dilation 7cm, effacement some
-1 Station
6:30P Got into the tub
7:13P 3 more chewable papaya tablets for heartburn
7:15P FHT 136 by doppler
7:17P Nausea with contraction
7:20P Out of tub
8:00P More bloody show. Did eat.
8:30P FHT 140, 148 by doppler
Going to try to rest
9:30P Did sleep but woken by 2 contractions
10:00P FHT 144 by doppler
10:02P Up to bathroom
10:04 pelvic check by request
0 Station
Cervix still towards back. Pulled forward manually; tightness is scar tissue.
80% effacement, dilation 6-7cm.
10:12P Suggested mother rest.
5-26-13 Slept from 11:30P to 2:30A
2:30A awoken by contractions, fairly frequent.
3:30A Diarrhea
3:55A Nausea and vomiting
4:00A Diarrhea and cramping
4:10A Showering
4:23A Activated charcoal given, continuing nausea. Going to try to rest more.
6:00A Mother sleeping; midwife left for another birth.

May 26 : 39w 4d
I woke up and ate, then went back to sleep. Shawn woke me and told me that the midwives had returned to complete a prenatal appointment and to check on me and the baby. I was so exhausted; I hadn't slept for more than a few hours at a time in a couple days.
They checked me and the baby, asked how I was doing (lied and said "fine" instead of "disheartened and disappointed that I wasn't holding my child yet").
The diarrhea and puking stopped and I felt fine other than being really uncomfortable. The midwife thought I had some kind of stomach bug and thought the charcoal cleared it out. They left and we had a regular Sunday. We didn't have to work the next day because it was Memorial Day Monday, so we just hung out, took a walk and tried to will the baby out. I did curb-walking with one foot on the curb and one in the street to try to keep the baby coming down. I felt like it was "coming back up" in my pelvis and was disappointed at that, too.
I slept normally that night, waking up to pee every couple hours per the usual routine at this time but was so exhausted I would fall right back asleep.

Midwife's Log:
5-26-13 9:00A Ate breakfast
9:45A Went back to sleep
11:45A Midwives returned - mother still sleeping. Doing prenatal and returning home.
12:20P B/P 120/70, FH 37-38cm, FHT 128-140
Urine - Ketones trace, Baby is LOA and lower.
Sp. gravity 1.020, increase fluids. Leukocytes ca. 25, keep taking probiotics.
Midwife feels as though mother had a touch of the flu. Mom felt better after charcoal. Suggest sleeping and resting as much as possible and eating well often.

May 27 : 39w 5d
I woke up feeling more like myself than I had for a long time. Shawn and I relaxed and let ourselves be intimate because we wanted to; not to get things to start up again. Contractions started shortly after at around 3PM, but I paid no attention to them. I told Shawn I wanted to go grocery shopping for a bunch of stuff and we left after re-cleaning the house.
We went grocery shopping with me dilated to 7cm, breaking for contractions in the aisles. People would stare as I breathed calmly through them but I didn't care. It's good for people to see a woman potentially in labor being calm through the pain. We filled the cart and walked to the checkout. The lady in the checkout area asked me how far along I was and I told her, "I think I'm done. I think I'm in labor."
She looked like I had live lobsters for earrings and said "Well good luck with that." I don't think she knew what else to say, really.
We went home and hung out for a while and decided to have spaghetti for dinner. I had texted the midwife to let her know I was having contractions again but they were irregular. I was cooking at 9:00PM and the contractions made my knees buckle a bit underneath me. My pelvis burned. It felt like growing pains that burned through my whole pelvis from front to back. I got scared. I told Shawn to call the doula and ask her about it.
He came back and told me she was on her way and thought we should call the midwives. I told him I felt guilty if we had another repeat of Friday and Saturday but that I didn't know what to do. I was still in denial that this could be labor, even though in the back of my mind I was screaming to myself "THIS IS IT, STUPID!"
He called the midwife who assured us that if it wasn't time again yet that it was OK but that she was coming because it was her job. Loooove those midwives.
We ate our spaghetti and waited for the team to arrive. I ate so much and was starting to get excited but worried at the same time. I couldn't bear if it wasn't time to have the baby again.
A little after 11 my midwife arrived and started to set up the equipment.
I went to our bedroom and got my birth outfit on: A brand new seamless black bra I had bought just for the birth. Yes, that's it.
I came into the living room and I braced myself on the couch. Shawn was right by my side and I told him "It hurts so much, I don't know if I can do this."
"You were walking around the grocery store when most women get their epidurals. You're gonna be great," he assured me. How was he not afraid? Did he really believe I could do this?
I said "OK" and agreed that he was right, even though I didn't fully believe him.
I walked the hallway, turned and walked down it again. Over and over and over.
The next 8 hours are a blur of contractions and attempts at comfort that didn't do much but pass the time. I walked the hallway, I got in the bathtub, I tried to lie down, I showered. I could not stand still. I vomited up the spaghetti I had made for dinner.
We moved to our bedroom at the foot of the bed.
I cried.
My doula asked if I was OK after I cried and I said yes, that it just hurt.
Shawn told me I was doing great. I told him to shut up and then apologized. I wanted quiet.
He tried to massage me. I told him not to touch me, then I apologized; my skin just hurt.
I moaned. I relaxed my face and told myself that I was already relaxed so my body would follow my mind's direction. All my yoga and Kundalini training I had delved into in the past year and a half was serving me well. I was breathing so good. I felt the strength of the thousands of women across the world doing the same thing at that moment that I was doing and I continued on.
I prayed.
I visualized a giant circle full of light opening and tried to picture my body opening with it.
I asked the midwife to check me and she opened my cervix manually again. OUCH. MORE OUCH. Contractions. OUCH. My cervix decided to cooperate right as the birds outside started to talk to each other and the light started to reappear before dawn. I dilated a whole centimeter in one contraction. The midwife told me I was then at 9 centimeters and that she wanted me to push with the next contraction when she directed in a few minutes. I prepared myself for the moment I had worked towards all night: pushing. Finally.
I prayed one more time and told Jah that I was ready, finally, to be the portal for this child to come Earthside. He agreed and the midwife then told me to push. Hard.
The sun started to come up over the horizon into the bedroom.
I pushed hard. It felt great. The contraction pain ended, but when the pushing ended a new kind of pain seared through my body. I felt like I was ripping in half and I leapt towards the midwife, half-naked and wholly-sweaty. I cried out and they shushed me, told me to breathe and to push as I needed. I stood up and pushed hard, which let loose the tiniest bit of poop. No big deal and I really didn't care. They covered it immediately and I continued pushing. I turned around and braced myself on my exhausted pregnant doula and she did her best to hold me up while I mooed and moaned and pushed so hard that Shawn said it looked like my insides were turning inside out. The team encouraged me when I pushed and told me I was doing a good job which kept me working towards getting that baby out.
The sun was officially up.
I briefly thought that I might have to go to the hospital and have a C-section. I shut that thought out violently, knowing the fear was a lie, and pushed with the energy inside me instead. The baby came down. Down, down, down. The doppler said the baby's heart rate dropped; the midwives told me to talk to my baby and get the heart rate back up and immediately it came right back up. They encouraged us and praised our connection. Then they got out the birthing stool and I sat on it. I pushed and the baby REALLY came down. They said they could see the head when I pushed, which made me push even more each time even when I thought I couldn't push any harder.
The sun shined into the bedroom window.
They told me to feel my baby; I could feel the head. The soft, squishy, fleshy, hair-covered head. I got very business-like and told the baby it was time out loud.
"It's time baby. It's TIME. Come on, baby! Come on!!!"
Push.
"COME ON BABY. COME OUT."
Push.
Crowning.
Push.
The head was out!

It was surreal; it felt surreal and stung like crazy, but they told me to stop pushing and to just breathe.
I was hoarse and panted, the first break I had gotten in over 2 hours. I pushed for over 2 hours.
I stretched around my baby, breathed into the great open circle that was my body and when they told me to push again, I did. Baby slid out into Shawn's hands and I could not take my eyes off of it.

I wasn't scared; I knew it was over and that everything would be alright. Shawn handed the baby to me and I put it on my chest.

The midwife asked, "did you see what it is?" Shawn pulled back the cord which was between the baby's legs and we both saw at the same time; "It's Bernice!!!" we both cried out. I didn't cry but I was just so taken aback that I had just done what I did that I couldn't react with anything but disbelief and breathlessness. She covered me and the towel over us in meconium, baby's first poop. I didn't care. They suctioned her and she gave little "mehhhh" cries. They suctioned some more and she screamed a little louder. It was a wonderful sound.
Shawn took her for me and I took off my birth outfit, pulling her back up to my chest to get that skin-to-skin. We attempted nursing and she did a little but she was more interested in checking out the room and her new parents. She felt so familiar; those little heels that had jabbed me for so long and that pointy little bottom that wiggled near my belly button. So familiar.
The cord stopped pulsing and Shawn cut it for us. I pushed lightly and the placenta slid out. I only lost one cup of blood, which is fabulous. My placenta was intact and looked normal.
I didn't tear. I had one "scratch" but no tears. I was surprised but I wasn't, if that makes sense. I had been so relaxed and so open for that baby that I wasn't too surprised about that.

The next several hours we took to nurse the baby for the first time (she did great), take a bath to clean up (she loved it), and then weigh, measure, and bundle her up. We were given postpartum instructions, the midwives threw the laundry in the machine for us, and we took a nap.
When we woke up we sent a picture to the family and waited for them to come over. It was so blissful and hazily wonderful that I'll never forget it.

I asked Shawn what the opposite of depression was.
"Euphoria?" he tried to find the right word.
"Yeah. I have that."
We hugged and looked at our little girl. We did it.