Testing, Testing, Oh! It's on!

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It has come to my attention via Blog Stats that I am gaining traffic via Bloglovin's Facebook app. This, to me, is exciting--and frightening... my blog can get purtttty personal, sometimes borderline TMI. Although I'm very open, there's some people I just don't want sharing in this exciting time of our life... I've learned that there are people to not include.
So while I am concerned that people will not be respective of my privacy and will choose to share whatever news I have whenever I have some, I cannot change myself for those people. And that is just another reason they are missing out on how awesome our family is and will be; they'll only get to experience half of it, as I do not share my everyday life with them.

If you choose to include yourself in this journey starting officially (OMGZ!!!) tomorrow, welcome.
This is gonna be awesome.

Winners are WINNING!

We have all made it to Wednesday! YAY!

I'm feeling MUCH better today and I'm so glad, because it is time to announce some winners! I got a comment from Lissa at the Bistro and she reminded me about the Boy-Name Poll I put up last week. You can go vote on it still if you'd like but as of today the rankings are:

1. Lennon (4 votes)
2. Lennan (2 votes)
3. 3-way tie: Zeppelin, Zephyr and Zoren (1 vote each)

Thank you for voting if you did! How fun was that?!

Now onto my Giveaway that closed as-of Monday!
The prize is a resin shell guestbook and pen holder.

The winner, as chosen by Random.org: ALICIA!!!

Alicia is having an intimate nautical/mermaid wedding July 22nd and she is wearing a turquoise dress!
Awesome! Congratulations, girl! Email me with your address and I'll send it this weekend.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!

Long Weekend Funk

After not having time nor mood to blog since last week, I'm still in my funk. I just don't want to work today or do anything that requires Shawn and I to be apart. We love our Mondays off together, especially.

Saturday had quite the bright spot to it even though it was busy, busy, busy. We had a baby shower and graduation to go to, and to pick up the gifts for both... great planning, I know. We got ready, went to Target, and headed to the baby shower. Once there, I found myself feeling proud for being truly happy for my friend and her partner as she hugged me with her 8-month belly. It didn't make me sad, jealous, or resentful; my heart is starting to burst open to all kinds of joy instead of just my own. As if a reward for my progress one of our mutual work friends came in with her children: her 3 year-old son (with darling rosy cheeks) and her *gasp!* 5-week old daughter!!! I haven't been able to hold a baby since the affliction of the babycrack! For the first time in my life I felt no fear as she let me hold her, so hold her I did. I don't know how long I held that little baby but she was so sweet and so awake. When I commented on her alertness her mom told me "Oh, she won't sleep during the day!"

About twenty minutes later she fell asleep. I beamed.

Pick a Name, Any Name

Which Offbeat Baby Boy name do you like best?
	Zeppelin
	Zefflin
	Zolin
	Lennon
	Lennan
	Zennon
	Zoren
	Zephyr
pollcode.com free polls

We already have name ideas for a girl when we try to have a baby this Summer, but what boy name do you like?

Girl With a Short Skirt + a Long Jacket

Girl With a Short Skirt + a Long Jacket by hilljo featuring a straight jacket

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #20

Happy Friday.

Today I love me because:

1. After a dark week, I'm back; happy and healthy and prepping for future baby some more.
2. I look like my mom :o)
3. I am re-examining what it means to be me, as I am about to change even more.
4. After the loss of a furbaby, I put my Mommy-in-Training pants on and kept on. I had to make cookies + tea and got. it. done.
5. People are having more difficulty finding their way under my skin anymore.

Have a nice weekend.

So long, "Everywhere Man."

Our furbaby Jeremy died yesterday.
He was around 2 and a half years old and a real sweetie.

We originally bought him as a cagemate for an older rat of ours who was left alone as the sole survivor of our Ratpack-II. He was so squirmy and active that we called him "Everywhere Man" like the Beatles' "Nowhere Man" and he soon became Jeremy after the Yellow Submarine character. Shortly after Jeremy was acquired, old rat passed too and we had to get another rat. Ratpack-III became a class of 2, Jeremy and Cosmo.

A lot of Peace surrounds me at this time and did yesterday as well when I found Jim-Jam had passed. I wrapped him in a blanket for Cosmo to say goodbye and we buried him in the backyard when Shawn came home. We were doing okay... and then we checked on Cosmo.
He was laying in the blanket Jeremy had been in--not sleeping. He was just... being sad. He would have been crying if he could have; I broke down at the sight. My rat was sad. I'd seen some of our other ratties mourn but this was sad. His only bro-mate, gone. I wept and pet his head while Shawn cradled him. Then we moved his cage into our bedroom to stay and we'll be his company now.

Join me in making a tribute to Jeremy, our Everwhere Man, by enjoying this song.

"De Sunflower Ain't De Daisy"

De sunflower ain't de daisy, and de melon ain't de rose;
Why is dey all so crazy to be sumfin else dat grows?
Jess stick to de place yo're planted, and do de bes yo knows;
Be de sunflower or de daisy, de melon or de rose.
Don't be what yo ain't, jess yo be what yo is,
If yo am not what yo are den yo is not what you is,
If yo're jess a little tadpole, don't yo try to be de frog;
If yo are de tail, don't yo try to wag de dawg.
Pass de plate if yo can't exhawt and preach;
If yo're jess a little pebble, don't yo try to be de beach;
When a man is what he isn't, den he isn't what he is,
An' as sure as I'm talking, he's a-gwine to get his.

A Patois poem about being genuine and accepting yourself as you are, even if it wasn't what you had planned for yourself. OWN YOU. The sooner you do, the happier you will be.

Mid-Century Modern Thayer High Chair

If you didn't see my Mother's Day post, go see me and my cute mom here. Until this morning all I knew about this chair was that it is beautiful. It's in great condition and even has the wood tray instead of plastic. This morning I learned that this item is a rare antique... and I got it for $20. I don't think anyone would begrudge me not waiting until we were pregnant to buy this.

I cleaned it up with mild soap and water and it sits in the garage currently, waiting for a baby bum to sit. Cleaning it up staved off the baby fever quite well, along with our other plan: every month that we don't get pregnant, we will do something immature and fun that we couldn't do otherwise. For June it's boxed-wine races in teams of 2 with our friends James and Scott. We'll let you know how that goes.

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE #19

This week has been kind of rough. Yesterday, rougher.
It's a very emotional time for me right now waiting for this baby to become a thing. I left work yesterday a couple hours early being blinded by involuntary tears (really?) and just went home to tear my once-office apart and get it cleared out more for baby space. It's all I can do when I can't be pregnant now, to get things ready for when we are.
Shawn came home, not too soon after I got there to find me ripping the office apart. He told me he knew I was upset and couldn't work knowing I was at home feeling like that. We hugged for a minute and continued to go to work on the house, but together. For the next three hours we sifted, sorted, cleaned and placed items we hadn't seen in years. I look into the rooms we got done in disbelief that shortly we'll soon be painting the baby room and stocking it shortly after. I was in a great place last night upon falling asleep, even into this morning. I even wore my sunflower.
Then this morning at our group breaksfast, someone broke the news, their "wife is pregnant. We weren't even trying! Isn't that great?!"
Of course it is, but I don't give 2 shits right now.

So I love me today because:

1. I'm not so baby crazy that I trick Shawn into getting pregnant now.
2. I'm pretty. All the time. Even first thing in the morning. (And so are you.)
3. I wore a vintage shirt I bought last year and it's awesome.
4. I get to clean up my high chair tonight.

That's it.

30 until 1

Today marks one-month until our 1st Wedding Anniversary.

I cannot believe how utterly fast and fabulous it was. More mushiness coming soon (in 30 days).
For now, snack on some wedding pics.

Motherhood is Not a Fix-All

Some women think a baby will "fix" a relationship.
It won't.
Some women think a baby will put an end to all the things you don't like about yourself.
It won't.
A lot of women think that once they're a mom they will be ( and have to be) pefect.
They don't.
I won't.

I read a very scary article that is being touted as "honest." Just because it's honest doesn't mean it should be passed off to the masses as normal or OK. I don't think it's OK that the author feels the way she does at home (angry and resentful: her words, not mine) with her children or towards her work-out-of-the-house spouse. I mean, unless she wants to feel that way... but it doesn't sound like it.
Some things I noticed in her post are self-imposed problems: she expects herself to be perfect; she looks at her husband working as him "getting to be 'out all day'"; she focuses on all the hard things she does; she expects to be able to do everything {often on her own} with 3 CHILDREN, 6 and under; and she expects to be involved in a lot of school-functions. She says the only time she feels truly happy is when she is out of the house with the children.

Now I have NO IDEA what having 1 (let-alone 3) child is like and how hard it is, but I do know about being married and some of the lessons are transferrable. I've also learned a lot about myself in the past year or so and those lessons are universal. Shawn and I read and discussed the article together last night, and these are our collective thoughts:

Moms have to be Perfect
This is, frankly, stupid. Being a mother is not a given, not a default option for any woman. It is an exhausting choice among many choices women can make, and should be regarded as such instead of something women are "born to do" and "have to be." Mothers, like all women childless and otherwise, are people. People are not perfect. So perfect mom = not existent.

SAHM's/SAHD's Don't Work
This has recently been verbalized in the news and is one of the most detrimental thoughts in parent-culture, IMO. Staying at home with children ALL DAY, EVERYDAY has to be hard as hell. How many hours of Baby Einstein can you take? How many messes can you clean in one day while performing normal household chores?! It's HARD! But a working-outside-the-house parent is no more "out all day" than the SAHP is "lounging around in the house all day."
As long as a working partner and the SAHP have a mutual understanding that they are both doing all they can to contribute to the wellbeing of the child/ren, then there is no point in focusing on "who did the most laundry last week?" Focusing on the things you do versus the things your spouse does to support your household can be very damaging to your relationship and imposes a "me"versus "us" relationship... and last time I checked you don't marry yourself.

The Sun Never Says

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe Me."

Look what happens with

A love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

- Hafiz, from The Gift

Good Moms Do it All on Their Own

Pfffft! HA! Right. Good moms, and parents, all ask for help when they need it. They also simply take it when it is offered. We've all heard "It takes a village..." so build one, then use it. If parents don't get time to themselves and together alone they will lose it--and fast. Stress often doesn't creep up to bad levels until you already need a break, so take one when you can. Surround yourself with a support system made of people you trust, and call them when you need it.

Good Moms are there for EVERY Field Trip and Fundraising Campaign

Um, maybe if they have only one kid! I only say this even because my mom was a SAHM most of my childhood and she was just available most the time. When you have more than one child  you have to shift the priorities from the setting they were at with less children, or even with just one. More people that matter (kids, family) are demanding more from you so the people who don't matter as much (teachers, other moms) need to take a backseat. This way you can give the ones you love your best. No leftovers for family unless they're out of the fridge, folks.

SAHP are Inside All Day

If being inside with kids all day makes you batty, by all means, STAY THE EFF OUTSIDE ALL DAY. Sleep in, get up and get ready (yes, dressed and hair/makeup if you wear it) and go out for the day until working-outside-the-house parent comes home and then re-converge. SIMPLE.

As I stated, I am not a parent so I have no idea quite yet what it's like. I have a feeling, though, if I kept these things in mind that my husband and I came to after discussing this post I believe I'll be a happier mother. My opinion, my blog, my say.

I Replaced the Pill with a BBT

Download this Free BBT Chart for Degrees C or F HERE

Last week I had mentioned that I am pre-nesting and had purchased some things to help us prepare before we start actively trying in July. The Prenatal Vitamins and basal thermometer (BBT) came in the mail yesterday so I took a tablet after dinner with water and this morning recorded my first Basal Body Temperature. I almost forgot to take it and record it on the chart this morning since you have to do it even before you're "up" for the day out of bed. I layed there and waited for it to beep and then read it: 96.8F... I was instantly awake, "Is that right?" I asked Shawn, who was still mostly sleeping. He said something muffled by pillow and I just recorded it as it was. Turns out it is very normal to have a body temp between 96-98F upon waking. Who knew?!
So although I don't take a Pill everyday now, I still have to do this everyday. I find it easier to do something in the effort of getting pregnant versus in the effort of not getting pregnant, especially when I want a baby NAO. I'm also into the idea of knowing my body really well and seeing the patterns emerge. Overall, I'd describe myself currently as impatient.

LlamaLlamaLlamaLlama

So the yarn Mama Kitty was rolling around in on Friday is for a baby hoodie. I'm not giving it away or selling it but I plan to save it for our future child. It is 50% Peruvian Llama, 50% wool and it feels so nice. I've never had this nice of yarn before and I really think the color is gorgeous, too, albeit hard to find.

Instead of kaboshing everything I made for Omaha Fashion Week this year, I'm just making it for the future kids and saving it for whenever that happens. It's close enough to Try-Time to start preparing tangible things for a baby, in our opinion. We also ran into (almost literally) a yard sale yesterday and found a vintage high chair that is EFFING BEAUTIFUL for $20. It's baby blue, has a maple tray, and even converts to a chair/table combo.

I know a lot of the baby things I'm making and finding are blue, but since we're going gender-neutral with our parenting style I don't think it matters. I'll have pictures of the high chair after I clean it up! BRACE YO'SELF! It's PURTY!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #18

Happy Weekend! I don't know if you have anything planned but tomorrow is Cinco De Mayo (on a Saturday!!!) and then tomorrow night the Full Moon will be special, very special. It is the "Buddha Moon" or the same full moon that was around when the Buddha was born and it will be the closest to Earth at 11:35 PM EST, or 10:35 PM CST. We will be drinking margaritas and checking it out. After all, this is the last day I plan to drink for quite a long time...

This week I love myself because:

1. I learned who not to let into our baby-world.
2. I'm prepping for the future baby... I even bought vitamins yesterday!
3. I ate myself to the point of healthy over the last 8 months so we can move on with our plans for babies.

But I am SO in love with all my housemates, fuzzy and not-so-fuzzy (especially not anymore...)
Let me explain: Shawn works in a non-climate-controlled environment and he was rocking a Jim Morrison long-hair style... until he sweat like a mammajamma yesterday. So we cut it... into a mohawk! It's his second one and I've done them both. I think he looks drool-inducingly hot.

I also am loving Mama Kitty for being so cute yesterday. I bought some baby-yarn for a project (and some yellow for me!!!) and it's nice yarn. Not the typical acrylic Red Heart I love, but it is 50% Peruvian Lama and 50% Wool. It's so SOFT and LOVERLY! And it's a beautiful gender-neutral blue. Mama also loves it... obviously.

Have a great weekend and Happy Cinco!

Pre-Nesting

Do I ever have it bad. The Babycrack. The Baby Fever. Whatever you call it.
So far this week since Sunday:

• Decided to have a baby no matter what
• Health was cleared for having babies on Monday
• Stopped the Pill
• Registered on OvaOva
• Ordered a Basal thermometer
• Dealt with the first pregnancy-related jerk
• Sourced Cloth Diaper materials
• Sourced and Contacted local Doulas
• Contacted the Birthing Center here
• Decided on Home Birth instead of Birth Center Birth... more on that below
• Selected a Birthing Pool
• Read approximately 40 Birth Stories, some good, some bad, some ugly

It has officially started.
So about the home birth... I originally dreamed of giving birth in a birthing center, so when we finally got one in the Omaha area, I was very excited! I looked into it only to find that although it is a great facility, it's basically like being at home... but you're not. No pain medication or emergency intervention measures are offered at the center so if anything were to happen and an emergency arised I would still have to be transferred to a hospital.
Now my stance for my pregnancy is "Unmedicated or Emergency C-Section Only," given it is a healthy, no-risk pregnancy and I can find support for me and for Shawn during labor. I feel that being at home with no pain medication and a support system (that includes my cat I played doula for) is the same as going to the birthing center except that we don't have to drive 40 minutes from our home to get there, and there is a hospital just as close--maybe closer--to our house as the one near the center.
I don't feel that having a home birth is more complicated, quite the opposite: it is stripping away the illusion of control Western Medicine sometimes tries to impose on the natural, uncontrollable force of nature that is birth. No IV lines, monitors, strangers, risks of BAD infections are in my home. If something happens we can leave and drive down the street. But we will try it!
Just love, support, and my body is all I will need to have our baby.

I'm MAD

All my life I have had an issue accepting that things I create are dynamic and amazing. The baby Shawn and I will make will be undeniably these things and many more. What's more, the presence of our child will be unrefutable, even to those who may disapprove.
The things I make I feel others accept with a note of "ohhh that's nice, let's put that on the fridge." I realize this has more to do with me than anyone else, but the thought of this projected onto our future baby has been slapped up into my face today. And I AM MAD ABOUT IT.
Sure, Omaha Fashion Week was a bust--this year. And the job was, too--for now. But these things will be around when I'm ready to blast faces off with fashion and art. And I'm not ready for that.
I am so ready for our baby however, that my insides ache.

I said I realized lots of things over the weekend yesterday, and one of them I realized Sunday morning before I was even awake, a full day before the doctor would even call: I was making busywork for myself by applying to OFW and that job position instead of going after the baby I really wanted. I was trying to distract myself from the pain of it not possibly working out, to fill up the space in time the future might not allow a baby to fill.

And then I decided even if I wasn't healthy enough quite yet, that we would still try before undergoing another surgery or treatment that might leave me infertile. I surrendered Sunday. Then Monday I was cleared as healthy anyway, which I think means it's time.
So today at work when I shared this with the person who used to be my supervisor, it shocked me to hear him say "Sometimes we just tell ourselves something to make it okay."

Yes, it is SO simple to decide to have a baby that when I don't get a job I want to just throw the towel in and strap on the mommy pants!
Yes, I have been going to Dr. HappyFunTime (AKA the gyno) for the last 8 months to get healthy just for fun!
Yes, I know I've been talking about finally deciding to have a baby for only 6 months, but now that any opportunity I tried for this month has turned me down, I will tell myself it's okay by getting knocked up!

So I'm mad.
Earth, prepare for one real-talking, take-no-shit, matter-of-fact Offbeat Mama.