Unlearning and Re-Learning

I have always and will always love you.

I have not always loved you the same, though.
At first I loved you immaturely.
Possessively. Unsecured and clinging. Lusty and out of necessity.

Then I loved you much the same. But complacently.
I became aware it could be better. And of how it could be better.
And only then I realized the gap between us.

As the years went on it got farther and further apart.
I feel like I stayed behind so the gap would maybe close in so that I could walk with you.
Always ahead of you at the zoo. The museum. You would be behind, still reading what I had read in half the time. And so I lingered. Eager to keep walking but almost as eager to stay with you.

Until one day I realized what staying behind meant to Me.
So I asked you for something I needed.
Something that not having was literally eating me away in percentages of myself.

And you said Yes.

And so I indulged and I blossomed and flourished.
Your love freed me.

But it also freed me from you.
And now the gap grows ever wider.

And the love continues to change.
Now I love you where you are and from where I am.
And I look forward to the gap continuing to widen.
It hurts in a necessary kind of way.
Like birth.


I know why the pain is there
I know what it is meant for
I know it will stop soon... just not precisely when.

And so I labor.
To love you.
This perpetually different kind of way.

The Kittens are 5

I can't believe the kittens are half a decade old. I am so grateful for them and for Mama Kitty. They keep me warm at night when they all snuggle me and B is sleeping in her own room; and they always give me a laugh just when I need one.

Happy birthday, girls. And happy birtheversary, Mama Kitty.

The last year.

I guess the title of this post has two meanings. The first: the last 365 days of my life. The second: the last 365 day of my life as I and everyone in it would know it.

I am gay.
I define myself as Queer.

Yes, my parents know. Yes, Shawn knows. Almost everyone I wanted to tell before I came out to the mass public has been told personally. If I didn't get the chance to call or tell you, I tried or wanted to. I just couldn't.

I'm ripping off the band-aid and putting it out there.
To answer some questions that have been posed to me and that you may find in your mind as you read this:

No, I "don't prefer dick anymore."
No, it is not hormones.
No, it's not because of anyone or anything that happened.
No, this is not a joke.
Yes, I am sure.
Yes, I have had experience to know I am sure. Even if I hadn't... how are you sure about your own sexual orientation? Yeah.

Yes, I know this hurts and changes my family forever.

But I cannot go on living as half of myself anymore. So many things make sense in hindsight and the relief of being honest outweighs the grief of the situation... most of the time. I am sorry for the pain this has caused those who love me and my family but I will never be sorry for who I am.

Shawn and I are separated and working toward a divorce, not that it's anyone's business. But I have nothing to hide, so there it is. We no longer have enough of what the other needs to keep our marriage going and I think it's responsible that we are honest about that with each other.
Our number one priority is our daughter and always will be.

The last 4 weeks have been the most vivid and difficult of my life. But I know one thing after living through a moon cycle of this new change:
I am fucking ALIVE.

In every sense of the word... I feel electric. I see signs everywhere from the universe that I have finally found the Path. My Path.

I take one day at a time now like I have always wanted to. I love myself in my entirety.
And someday it will all be okay.

I have never had to rely on others like I have before this last month or so, and I have found the true colors of the people I thought I knew. Some for the better, less for the worse. I know who loves me and how and how much. I have never felt so free in my life.

Any prayers and thoughts for my family and myself are appreciated.
Thank you for reading, if you did.

Love.

Anniversary Funnel Cake 2014

‎We went to the Santa Lucia Festival again to celebrate our anniversary weekend with the annual eating of the funnel cake. Bernice was awake this year!

3 years, already! It's  going really fast...

1 Year

It's been 1 year and then a few days, now.

My baby is still a baby, but now she does so many things.

I am back to weighing what I weighed before I got pregnant, but I don't wear the same size clothes.

I am still breastfeeding her often, but not often enough to keep my cycle away any longer.

She is still in cloth diapers, but we take a few days off every now and again.

Things are different, but I can't remember how anymore. Not exactly, anyway.