The last year.

I guess the title of this post has two meanings. The first: the last 365 days of my life. The second: the last 365 day of my life as I and everyone in it would know it.

I am gay.
I define myself as Queer.

Yes, my parents know. Yes, Shawn knows. Almost everyone I wanted to tell before I came out to the mass public has been told personally. If I didn't get the chance to call or tell you, I tried or wanted to. I just couldn't.

I'm ripping off the band-aid and putting it out there.
To answer some questions that have been posed to me and that you may find in your mind as you read this:

No, I "don't prefer dick anymore."
No, it is not hormones.
No, it's not because of anyone or anything that happened.
No, this is not a joke.
Yes, I am sure.
Yes, I have had experience to know I am sure. Even if I hadn't... how are you sure about your own sexual orientation? Yeah.

Yes, I know this hurts and changes my family forever.

But I cannot go on living as half of myself anymore. So many things make sense in hindsight and the relief of being honest outweighs the grief of the situation... most of the time. I am sorry for the pain this has caused those who love me and my family but I will never be sorry for who I am.

Shawn and I are separated and working toward a divorce, not that it's anyone's business. But I have nothing to hide, so there it is. We no longer have enough of what the other needs to keep our marriage going and I think it's responsible that we are honest about that with each other.
Our number one priority is our daughter and always will be.

The last 4 weeks have been the most vivid and difficult of my life. But I know one thing after living through a moon cycle of this new change:
I am fucking ALIVE.

In every sense of the word... I feel electric. I see signs everywhere from the universe that I have finally found the Path. My Path.

I take one day at a time now like I have always wanted to. I love myself in my entirety.
And someday it will all be okay.

I have never had to rely on others like I have before this last month or so, and I have found the true colors of the people I thought I knew. Some for the better, less for the worse. I know who loves me and how and how much. I have never felt so free in my life.

Any prayers and thoughts for my family and myself are appreciated.
Thank you for reading, if you did.

Love.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #24

What a fast week! I'll make this post fast, too.



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I love me today because:

1. Pictures like the one above are making me cry today... in a happy way. I can't wait to make Shawn a daddy.
2. This is week 2 that I have been walking and doing yoga; now I do both everyday!
3. I didn't even THINK about going to the hiding place to use an OPK.
4. I am happy... and I'm still waiting to bust an egg this month. Success!

Happy weekend everybody.

Let the Sun shine... Let the Sunshine In...

Last month I learned something valuable that I will share at risk of sounding very young... even though I am very young.


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A month ago today I shared that someone at my work's wife is suprise-pregnant... but I didn't share that this was announced the day after my first BFN (big fat negative)... Thursday night I was devastated, disappointed, sad, and so frustrated. I managed to pull myself together before work that next morning and continue on, sunflower upon my head and the skip in my step that is Friday. After that announcement I plunged back down to the place I had been. I didn't like it; I felt involuntarily miserable and thus more miserable.
After making it through most of the day I was finally at home, sulking to myself. One of my blog-sisters, Kim, emailed me to see how I was doing and I spilled the beans. I expected her to agree, to comiserate with me, and to tell me things I wanted to hear.  She didn't; she pissed me off.

She told me that she knows how frustrating it must be for me to be going through this in light of the announcement, but that I had to be happy for them.

WHAT?! But, but... ME!!! What about MEEEE?!

Her email continued, "the more joy you can let in your heart and less stress, the easier it will be to conceive."

WELL... hmm. Yeah... Maybe there's something to this...
So I thought about it. I examined where the pissed-off was coming from: me.
She doesn't know the people I work with; she knows and likes me. She wants to help me.
So I had to re-read the email with love in my heart. It sounded different in my head the second time.
"You know," I said to myself, "you'd want people to be happy for you."
True.
"So be happy for them; they're going to experience the joy of a child. This doesn't mean you won't..."

Also True. So instead of being negatively affected by the news, I chose to be happy and go towards all the feelings that ever make me sad/uncomfortable and get up close to them. Turns out that once you make that choice, to be happy, the negative feelings simply back down and fizzle; this last month has been the most joyous of my entire life.


Thanks for pissing me off, Kim. ;o)

Long Weekend Funk

After not having time nor mood to blog since last week, I'm still in my funk. I just don't want to work today or do anything that requires Shawn and I to be apart. We love our Mondays off together, especially.

Saturday had quite the bright spot to it even though it was busy, busy, busy. We had a baby shower and graduation to go to, and to pick up the gifts for both... great planning, I know. We got ready, went to Target, and headed to the baby shower. Once there, I found myself feeling proud for being truly happy for my friend and her partner as she hugged me with her 8-month belly. It didn't make me sad, jealous, or resentful; my heart is starting to burst open to all kinds of joy instead of just my own. As if a reward for my progress one of our mutual work friends came in with her children: her 3 year-old son (with darling rosy cheeks) and her *gasp!* 5-week old daughter!!! I haven't been able to hold a baby since the affliction of the babycrack! For the first time in my life I felt no fear as she let me hold her, so hold her I did. I don't know how long I held that little baby but she was so sweet and so awake. When I commented on her alertness her mom told me "Oh, she won't sleep during the day!"

About twenty minutes later she fell asleep. I beamed.