The last year.

I guess the title of this post has two meanings. The first: the last 365 days of my life. The second: the last 365 day of my life as I and everyone in it would know it.

I am gay.
I define myself as Queer.

Yes, my parents know. Yes, Shawn knows. Almost everyone I wanted to tell before I came out to the mass public has been told personally. If I didn't get the chance to call or tell you, I tried or wanted to. I just couldn't.

I'm ripping off the band-aid and putting it out there.
To answer some questions that have been posed to me and that you may find in your mind as you read this:

No, I "don't prefer dick anymore."
No, it is not hormones.
No, it's not because of anyone or anything that happened.
No, this is not a joke.
Yes, I am sure.
Yes, I have had experience to know I am sure. Even if I hadn't... how are you sure about your own sexual orientation? Yeah.

Yes, I know this hurts and changes my family forever.

But I cannot go on living as half of myself anymore. So many things make sense in hindsight and the relief of being honest outweighs the grief of the situation... most of the time. I am sorry for the pain this has caused those who love me and my family but I will never be sorry for who I am.

Shawn and I are separated and working toward a divorce, not that it's anyone's business. But I have nothing to hide, so there it is. We no longer have enough of what the other needs to keep our marriage going and I think it's responsible that we are honest about that with each other.
Our number one priority is our daughter and always will be.

The last 4 weeks have been the most vivid and difficult of my life. But I know one thing after living through a moon cycle of this new change:
I am fucking ALIVE.

In every sense of the word... I feel electric. I see signs everywhere from the universe that I have finally found the Path. My Path.

I take one day at a time now like I have always wanted to. I love myself in my entirety.
And someday it will all be okay.

I have never had to rely on others like I have before this last month or so, and I have found the true colors of the people I thought I knew. Some for the better, less for the worse. I know who loves me and how and how much. I have never felt so free in my life.

Any prayers and thoughts for my family and myself are appreciated.
Thank you for reading, if you did.

Love.

The Uncommon Effect

Tuesday was apparently "Try to Make Hillary Defend Her & Shawn's Parenting Choices Day." From cloth diapering to unmedicated birth, I was called stupid and received eye-rolls for things I really believe in. I don't remember how the cloth diapering came up at work, but I was asked directly if I was cloth diapering and when I replied "yes," I was told "You're stupid" by a mother of 2 children and a new dad of a baby under 6 months. I just shot back gently that "90% of babies were cloth diapered in the '50's," and that "it's our choice." We don't have a 1950's model washing machine... I'm sure it can be done now with the new technology of our fandangled agitator washer. I was lightly backed up by another person present who had actually been cloth diapered as a baby and he said his mom did just fine with it about 40 or 50 years ago.

I thought I had made it through the day with my one parenting mini-battle but it was not the case. Later we went to the hospital I chose in case we have a premature labor event (which WON'T happen) and we were touring with one other pregnant couple who were also expecting their first baby in just a few weeks. The nurse giving the tour asked if anyone was doing natural (unmedicated!) labor and birth and I waived my hand at her. I noticed the other mommy-to-be rolling her eyes at me and whispering something to her husband as the nurse began to explain how the hospital bed can change positions to assist with that process.

What. The. Fuck.
I sat quietly and politely and listened when the nurse discussed epidurals and things that don't apply to me without judging her choices. That was really, really sad that she reacted to my choice. Every woman deserves respect and honor for her chosen and desired birth experience, whatever that may be. You don't have to agree with someone else's birth plan, but it's not yours; you won't have to go through her birth. As a fellow woman I support any woman's choices during her birth that she wants to make because I would want the same respect to make my own choices during mine.
Everything at the hospital itself was pleasantly surprising and we feel really good if we have to end up there for something so unpleasant to experience as the fear of premature labor and delivery (which WON'T happen).
After the tour I asked Shawn if he saw her do that and he said that yes, he had. Then I told him about the cloth diaper war and we had a long discussion about commonality with the birth experience and what happens when someone chooses something less common. The plain fact of the matter is that a lot of people have epidurals and c-sections; a lot of people use disposable diapers; and a lot of people find out the sex of the baby before it is born. So when people find out through their own inquiries that we are doing none of those things, I don't think people believe it, so they scoff. They probably have no first-hand experience doing what we are going to attempt and have possibly never even had second-hand experience through anyone else. But that's the thing: these are all experiences that are individual to each person going through them. No birth experience is the same, ever. We can all learn from each other so be curious, not judgemental.

To voice your opinions on the baby's sex, weight, date of birth and more visit here!

Just when I thought I knew anything...

It's really hard to grow up. And it's really hard to be a woman.
And it's really really hard to grow up strong enough of a woman to be a mother.

When you want to see the best in people, they show you their worst. A side you never knew was even possible to be seen. It's a cold, hard fact that some people are just mean.
This fact took me 8,936 days to learn and I'm still having a hard time swallowing it down today on day 8,937.
Part of the difficulty I have had in learning this is completely my fault. I give more credit to people than they are worth and I have too high of expectations for people based upon how I conduct myself. People are not me, they are people, and they are all very, very, puzzingly different. Makes the world go 'round, I suppose. But this is hands down the hardest lesson I have learned in my human life so far: some people just suck.

No matter how much of yourself you share with them, no matter how much you give or care, some will never be moved by that. And I must accept that, spend no more time poring over it and move on.

I just have to remember that even though I am forced to work with some of the meanest people I have ever met and will meet (I am sure) in my life, it must not become me; I must be unmoved by them as well. There is nothing wrong with me, dammit; I am nice. I am loving and full of rainbows and unicorns.
I hope I can adequately learn from this and use it to increase my strength. It's going to take a lot of strength to be a good mother one day; this can only be work done towards that.

Can I just say...

Any person, woman or man, has the right to do whatever she or he thinks is right for themselves. No one should be made to feel as though they must do anything but, no one must be ridiculed for doing what they feel is right, either.
Especially about the topics of birth, life and death: these are incredibly personal and unique experiences for us humans and we all feel very strongly about them.

Let us be and stay curious rather than become judgemental. Let us see what will happen.

If you don't like my blog, don't come read it.

Anyone who thinks I give two shits about how much you "know about me" from this blog is missing the point...

This is a personal blog. It's personal. It's all about me and how I feel and what I think.
If you don't like it, don't come read it. I'm not changing and this is a perfectly appropriate platform to say whatever I want because it is MINE. If you choose to take on bad karma and use anything "against me" you should know that I consider that your problem. I wouldn't put anything out there on the PUBLICK INTERNETS if I didn't want it to be known. Duh.
I'm choosing to live my ONE life openly: with an open heart, open mind and open mouth. If you have something to say about my innnermost thoughts and feelings, get your own blog and bitch away. I'll applaud from the sidelines.

Three things are for sure though: I don't judge; I don't care what you think; and I'm glad you're here if you want to be.


Rock and roll on.

Testing, Testing, Oh! It's on!

via

It has come to my attention via Blog Stats that I am gaining traffic via Bloglovin's Facebook app. This, to me, is exciting--and frightening... my blog can get purtttty personal, sometimes borderline TMI. Although I'm very open, there's some people I just don't want sharing in this exciting time of our life... I've learned that there are people to not include.
So while I am concerned that people will not be respective of my privacy and will choose to share whatever news I have whenever I have some, I cannot change myself for those people. And that is just another reason they are missing out on how awesome our family is and will be; they'll only get to experience half of it, as I do not share my everyday life with them.

If you choose to include yourself in this journey starting officially (OMGZ!!!) tomorrow, welcome.
This is gonna be awesome.

"De Sunflower Ain't De Daisy"

De sunflower ain't de daisy, and de melon ain't de rose;
Why is dey all so crazy to be sumfin else dat grows?
Jess stick to de place yo're planted, and do de bes yo knows;
Be de sunflower or de daisy, de melon or de rose.
Don't be what yo ain't, jess yo be what yo is,
If yo am not what yo are den yo is not what you is,
If yo're jess a little tadpole, don't yo try to be de frog;
If yo are de tail, don't yo try to wag de dawg.
Pass de plate if yo can't exhawt and preach;
If yo're jess a little pebble, don't yo try to be de beach;
When a man is what he isn't, den he isn't what he is,
An' as sure as I'm talking, he's a-gwine to get his.

A Patois poem about being genuine and accepting yourself as you are, even if it wasn't what you had planned for yourself. OWN YOU. The sooner you do, the happier you will be.