The last year.

I guess the title of this post has two meanings. The first: the last 365 days of my life. The second: the last 365 day of my life as I and everyone in it would know it.

I am gay.
I define myself as Queer.

Yes, my parents know. Yes, Shawn knows. Almost everyone I wanted to tell before I came out to the mass public has been told personally. If I didn't get the chance to call or tell you, I tried or wanted to. I just couldn't.

I'm ripping off the band-aid and putting it out there.
To answer some questions that have been posed to me and that you may find in your mind as you read this:

No, I "don't prefer dick anymore."
No, it is not hormones.
No, it's not because of anyone or anything that happened.
No, this is not a joke.
Yes, I am sure.
Yes, I have had experience to know I am sure. Even if I hadn't... how are you sure about your own sexual orientation? Yeah.

Yes, I know this hurts and changes my family forever.

But I cannot go on living as half of myself anymore. So many things make sense in hindsight and the relief of being honest outweighs the grief of the situation... most of the time. I am sorry for the pain this has caused those who love me and my family but I will never be sorry for who I am.

Shawn and I are separated and working toward a divorce, not that it's anyone's business. But I have nothing to hide, so there it is. We no longer have enough of what the other needs to keep our marriage going and I think it's responsible that we are honest about that with each other.
Our number one priority is our daughter and always will be.

The last 4 weeks have been the most vivid and difficult of my life. But I know one thing after living through a moon cycle of this new change:
I am fucking ALIVE.

In every sense of the word... I feel electric. I see signs everywhere from the universe that I have finally found the Path. My Path.

I take one day at a time now like I have always wanted to. I love myself in my entirety.
And someday it will all be okay.

I have never had to rely on others like I have before this last month or so, and I have found the true colors of the people I thought I knew. Some for the better, less for the worse. I know who loves me and how and how much. I have never felt so free in my life.

Any prayers and thoughts for my family and myself are appreciated.
Thank you for reading, if you did.

Love.

Makeup Free for 30 Days

I'm starting to learn a lot about myself, and one of the really apparent things I have discovered is that I am a cyclic animal. I have seasons and they help me to organize myself and my work.
I crochet in the Winter, draw in the Spring, plan trips + parties in the Summer, and sew in the Fall.

I also wear makeup cyclically but I don't think it follows a predictable and seasonal pattern. 30 days ago I started thinking about starting a makeup-free cycle so I just went with it after noticing it coincided with Lent. I didn't want to religiously observe Lent; I just wanted to stop wearing makeup and be accountable for my choice. I thought choosing to be without it entirely for over a month would help me accomplish my goal.
At day 12 I wanted to wear makeup so badly. I considered giving up on Lent like I had the last time I tried it when I was 9 years old. But I didn't. I just picked out a cute outfit; one I never would have spent the time choosing before. I was terrified, but when no one ran away from me screaming in public it got easier.
Around day 19 I noticed I started to take better care of myself. When I don't get enough sleep or water you can SEE it. When I don't pluck my eyebrows and witch hairs you can SEE them. When I try to pick a blackhead or something you can SEE it. So I am now gentle to myself and my face, and make sure to take care of myself so that I look better at the very least.
I spent a lot more time with my family and we did a lot more fun stuff. I slipped out of the house to get donuts as a surprise one morning before Shawn woke up! I didn't even THINK about putting on makeup. I just left.

It was liberating.
I had finally become comfortable in my bare face. Not just like "I don't give a shit" comfortable, but like "I look better without it anyway" comfortable. In the last week I caught 3 reflections of myself in my phone, the computer, a window and thought, "pretty."

Now when Shawn tells me I'm beautiful I get tingles through my whole body.

Will I never wear makeup again? No! I like makeup sometimes! But I think my everyday look, if I want, will just be well-groomed eyebrows and concealer on the outer corners of my eyes. For dates with Shawn I might wear more, but for everyday my regular face is just great.
Makeup can be lots of things for lots of different people but for me it was a crutch. A crutch to hide my laziness which can manifest as self-neglect. Taking the crutch away forced me to fix the problem, and now after 30 days it's a new habit. A lovely, healthy new habit.

7 Months Postpartum - "I have a Bikini Body!"

Back in September while marveling at the growth Bernice had already accomplished I was not feeling so great about the way my body had grown after having my baby. When I got pregnant I felt like I was going through puberty and after I had given birth it felt the same but possibly more intense. I felt like I was wearing a sweater that was stretched out in all the wrong places all the time. All the changes to my body making it seem unfamiliar in a negative way... but I have started to fall in love with myself again now.

This morning I found this amazing image:

 

And I said damn right.

And I started to think of myself in the context of the image... 

Then this morning on my daily (semi-daily) call to my mother we talked about how I left the house without ANY makeup on without realizing it. She told me about the first time anyone had seen her outside our family without eye makeup on a couple weeks ago at work. We laughed and laughed and she stated she was surprised no one actually said anything.

"Do you know why, Mom?" I asked, then continued, "Because you are so much more to them. You take care of their kids."

And then I thought of myself in the context of my own statement.

Bernice coo'ed from the backseat to us and our speakerphone conversation.

I finished the call and my errands all the while thinking. Letting it all sink in. All the beauty the universe had just shown me in myself, my mother, and the other ladies in my life--and the day wasn't even half over.

I think my husband noticed I was 'different' today before I realized it myself. He unsolicitedly looked me in the eye mid-conversation at lunch and said "You are so beautiful."

He says it all the time, but... damn. This time it hit me. He ALWAYS means it, but only this one time had I finally accepted it for once.

I went home and put on a bikini.

I felt like a 'reset' button had been hit inside me. 

I felt like I grew into my skin today... the sweater fits perfectly ;o)

I felt beautiful today. With no makeup on and without a shower (and I was pooped on, today PEOPLE!).

I felt beautiful.

Because I am so much more than tight-fitting skin. I am a beautiful person, woman, wife, mother and daughter.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #42

I think I may have finally gotten that "second-trimester energy burst" as evidenced by my sewing projects and all the progress we have made with planning for baby. Too bad the third trimester starts in less than 4 weeks... maybe it'll last?

So today I love me because:

1. We went to the birth center last night. You guys... it's pretty. And warm. And clean. And it doesn't smell like hospital.
2. I trusted my instincts and went with the doula I love. She gives me more assurance that I chose the right woman everyday. When I told her we were bummed about no home birth, she framed it to me like this "We will transfer to the birth center at the latest time possible." So now in my mind, I'm having a home birth and transferring to the center.
3. I didn't puke today!
4. I'm in full-on production mode for making baby things. If I am wielding scissors and fabric, keep your fingers farrrrr away.
5. I made an appointment with the midwife to transfer my prenatal care over to her for the remainder of my pregnancy. I know I'll be more comfortable there.

Tonight we are doing a plaster cast of my belly for a local competition. I'm very excited to make one with Shawn!

What are you doing this weekend and what are you happy you accomplished this week?

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #41 + Belly Pic!

Today I am very proud of myself; I have done a lot of things in January.

1. I can finally see that I am a FREAKING VENUS. I feel like Venus herself in Botticelli's painting especially when I am... ahem, nuuuude.
2. I set and exceeded my pageview goal for the blog this month. I actually exceeded page views for any period of 30 days this month since I have been blogging. WOAH.
3. I blame #2 on solid, original, and desirable content (for once...) that I produced.
4. I connected with a lot of people this month. We hung out with our friends and family, had people over for dinner, and it was great!

If you missed last week's LoVE feature, check it out!
So what are you proud of that you got done last month?

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE... still!!! #40

It's been about 10 weeks since I posted one of these! Oh well!

via 

Today I Love me because:

1. I am in LOVE with my big belly! It's soooo cute! I want to feel like this towards my dry, peely pregnant face too.
2. I cooked dinner everyday last week and some days of this week!
3. I am getting serious about pattern writing and selling my crochet stuff.
4. I drink lots of water.
5. I'm being much nicer to myself than I used to be before.

Have a nice weekend and leave a comment below telling me what you're loving about YOU this week!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #39

What a week! It seemed long but now that it's Friday it feels like it went fast.
I am kind of giddy so today's list of tings I love are all over the place :o)

1. I love that I am gaining such a realistic point of view of my pregnancy as time goes on.
2. I love that I'm suprisingly enjoying my friends and family touching my slightly protruding bump. I thought I would hate it, but I love it! Especially when Shawn pats the baby goodnight.
3. I love how much I eat. It's hiiiiilarious to me; I have never eaten this much. I used to be the queen of forgetting to eat.
4. I'm drinking lots and lots of water again! YAY!
5. I love that my body when from Rh- to Rh+ so I don't need a Rhogam shot! YESSSS!!!
6. I have yoga'd everyday this week! WUTTT!!!
7. I haven't puked at ALL in 2 DAYS! YES! ON MY OWN!

Have a great weekend, everyone! Only 6 days until Thanksgiving!

PS: baby is the size of the apple in the photo above!!! CRAZY!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #38 - Confessions

It's been a while, hasn't it? Almost a month, actually. A wild month...

I was going to recap what I went through but really, I just can't.
Suffice it to say being pregnant is not rainbows and lollipops; it is not fun to me at all. I'm happy I'm finally pregnant and the baby is healthy whenever we get checked, but this is no damn picnic. I am 10 weeks pregnant this week and feeling every bit of it.
All the notions I had about being glowy, experiencing brief nausea, eating as I always have, and walking on air are no longer clouding my head.
I have pimples everywhere where I once had beautiful skin; I won't even go into how bad the morning sickness has been (IV fluids... *cough*cough*); I eat like I used to when I was a child (and suffer the after-effects. Kim, you know...); and I don't even know whose boobs I have on my body right now but they are not mine.
I no longer know my body. It has become a stranger.
I fell off the yoga, meditation and astrology wagon. I no longer even think like myself anymore. I'm stressed, tired, and so-so-so emotional all the time. I started praying again this week, though. I had been a bit, but not as much like I used to at all. It's helping.

So today, even though I am being so hard on myself lately, I must say:
I love me because

1. At work, I just can't bring myself to GAF about all the idiots anymore. There are some lovely people here that really do care, and I concern myself with them.
2. I take it easy; I have no choice, but I still am gentle with myself.
3. Even in my pregnancy-induced insanity, I recognize how amazing Shawn is and how much he helps me. I'd be dead by now without him, many times over. Or in jail...
4. My nails are growing like a mutha... they're pretty.

That's it for now, everyone. Have a nice weekend and pray for the East Coast.
Take care.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #37

It's Friday and I cannot say enough about how very pleased I am with that.

Today I love me because:

1. Instead of spending so much time being/getting/staying angry at others (crazy drivers, blabbermouths, etc) I stop and remind myself to just worry about me.
2. I'm getting much better at no-guilt.
3. I am being gentle with myself.
4. I don't keep anything from Shawn. Anything.
5. I just want to snuggle at home with my animals and hubby. Work, be over!!!

Have a snuggly weekend! It's going to be cold here!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #35



M63, the Sunflower Galaxy via celestialwonders

Today I love me because:

1. I am master of understanding my emotions.
2. I admit: After a whole month of not giving one single **** and even hoping for more time without a baby, I'm getting the desperation pangs back.
3. "Relax," "breathe," "it'll happen," don't upset me anymore. It reminds me to do those things exactly. Besides, how nice is it that someone "just knows it'll happen?" Makes my worry shrink.
4. I realize that I'm eating more and that'd be fine with my activity level but it's been carbs and sugar... I'm going to replace that with veggies.
5. I decided to leave my job after I have the baby to open a home daycare.
6. I'm going to paint my damn front door finally. Orange. Maybe even this weekend!

Thank you to my family and friends and to Shawn for sticking with me and for all the love and support. It helps.

And Shawn,
you will never know how much you do for me. I love you.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #34

Short weeks always seem just as long, don't they?

Painting by JoeledBetter

It's Friday in any case, though. Shawn is sick at home and I am at work. I'll be leaving early today!

Today I love me because:

1. My patience is just sooo awesome right now.
2. I started taking an herb (nettles) to help with the after-thePill effects I've been dealing with for the last several months.
3. I am so committed to my yoga and walking. I do it everyday!
4. I didn't make an entire post about the two week wait starting again. But we're there.
5. I am taking really good care of myself.
6. I put off grocery shopping all week. I know, badass.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #33

via K. Carter 

I'm so, so glad it is Friday! I have a lot to look forward to today and this weekend!

• Massage with Shawn tonight at Oasis
• Fire Spinning Show
• 2nd Full Moon in August is tonight! Technically not a true blue moon, but still cool.

So today I look back on the week and remember some reasons I love myself:

1. My hair is soooo pretty today. I might do a DIY hair post on it.
2. When people try to say mean things it doesn't make a reaction in me like it used to anymore.
3. I love that pug.
4. I AM NOT CHARTING OR TEMPING OR ANYTHING. Sorry, but that's a big deal!
5. I have been trying to make sure Shawn knows how much I love him.
6. I'm being gentler with myself.
7. I'm changing one of my behavior patterns that deprives me of being all, "DAMN MY LIFE IS AWESOME." Cuz it is, really.

Have a nice (hopefully) 3-day weekend, everyone! You know how we loooove our Mondays (1, 2) off!

Transformation Complete

I have done it.



I am me.



SO me.

I have wings.
I have bared my soul to my kindred spririt, Shawn.
I know in my heart more than I could ever learn from the outside.

And I am so happy.

I'm going on a blog-and-work staycation from now until Monday 8/20/12 for the rest of the two week wait. I hope to come back with good news; keep praying, hoping, meditating and colloiding that light you're making for me in the form of sticky baby thoughts.

Love to you all. Namaste.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #31

I am soooo soooo glad it is Friday. Gonna make some cookies later...


I do not know where Cookie Bunnay comes from, but I love it. 

 Today I love me because:

1. I missed what I thought would be my testing date this month without even thinking about it.
2. We're taking a stay-cation next weekend. Woohoo, sleeping in!
3. I believe we're in the two-week wait again.
4. My hair has been awesome for a little while now...
5. I signed a Petition against Public Schools forcing pregnancy tests on female would-be students (and denying them the opportunity to be students if the tests are positive).

Have a nice weekend!
If you're in a reading mood, check out the Denver trip: day 1, 2, 3
Or the fried avocado recipe.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #30

Sorry recapping Denver is taking so long! There's 2 more days ahead to give you the low-down on, so look for that next week! Day 1 and Day 2 are here if you haven't seen them.

1. I have been so busy at work and home that I haven't had much time for anything, but I have made time everyday for my yoga and meditation, even if I have to "trick" myself into starting. And that can be #1 for today...
2. I have been eating so well this week to get my body on track.
3. The OPK's are not driving me crazy; I wield more power than them.
4. I will not be complacent about anything from now on; if it's an issue, I address it--now. The last 2 days have been better for that.
5. I give up on Fertility/Conceiving Forums. Some bitches ladies... be actin' crazy. Always. Everywhere.
6. I only share personal information about ME on my blog, the internet, etc.

Have a nice weekend! Get some relaxation time in for sure!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #29

Yay, Friday. The week is over! And what a week it was...

We got home at around 6AM Tuesday from the Denver vacation (more on that to come in the next few weekdays) and went right to bed after driving all night. After we woke up around 1PM or 2PM we picked Peach up from Shawn's parents'. After getting home she broke out in a rash of hives all over; usually I'm the only one with that issue! It was everywhere: in her ears, on her belly, on her face. Cool baths and snuggles made them go away that first day but Wednesday night was horrible! She started to get an absolutely puffy face and we could tell she was miserable so we went to Walgreens in the dark of night for Benadryl. Quickly we rushed back home to give her a tablet and it helped! She still wouldn't eat but she would take water. We all got back to bed and slept some more, then woke up to get ready to go to our respective jobs and crates. Then she puked.
And again.
...And again.
So I called into work and told them I'd be taking her to the vet. At our appointment the vet said it looked like a bee sting to her (her one dog reacts the same way) and she gave Peach a steroid shot to make the inflammation go away. 12 hours later she only had a half Benadryl last night before bed and she looks great! She is spry and all Peachy again, barking at bunnies and whatnot. She even went with us to hear (from the parking lot, high-class style) Cake at the Stir near our house. She sat on her blanket chewing her bone and barked at bunnies and people sitting near us... Short Skirt + Long Jacket sounded great live even if we couldn't see the band!

So today, I love me because:

1. That day I said I wanted to love Peach better? It's as if after I said that, she knew I loved her, and we've been, well, peachy ever since; she is my baby buggypug now :o)
2. I didn't drive the ones I love crazy with babycrack this month.
3. I'm getting FABULOUS at letting good things I want just make their way to me... softly.
4. I know I am unique and pretty, and I told myself that yesterday.
5. I am keeping the faith everyday.
6. I am asking for help from others, even if it is just for baby prayers/thoughts/meditations.

Have a nice weekend!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #27

I'm making it short today!

via.

 Today I love me because:

1. I have been very in-the-moment, especially for the last week.
2. I took a break from Offbeat Mama and hardcore charting... I like it.
3. Today is my lucky day!

Today I love me AND Shawn because:

1. Despite getting a King Sized bed after tax season, we have been sleeping in the old double size, now-guest-bed all week... Oh, bun.
2. There are no other two people who think a good time includes (in order):
   - Taking the dog for a walk
   - Coming home to make/eat dinner
   - Watching Seinfeld on the couch and having a homemade margarita
   - Having a nightcap of cereal
   - Falling asleep in a bed half the size of your own to The Wall on vinyl

Have a great weekend, everyone!

"Let's put that on the fridge..."

Remember a while back when I was mad?
I said I had an issue owning up to the fact that things I create and do are amazing and dynamic; like everytime I shared news or a creation I perceived that it was received with a "Oh, that's nice... let's put that on the fridge."

No more.
A couple of days ago I was finishing my yoga with a relaxation/meditation and tried as I did, I couldn't keep thinking about this issue of mine. This was one of those times that being just the right amount of crazy like I am really helped me: I started a conversation with myself.

"Self, why do you think people feel like that?"
"Because everyone else's news is just so legit all the time."
  "How is it more legit than yours?"
"... I guess it's not."
  "Oh. So you feel like other people don't take your news as seriously because you don't take your news as seriously?"
"...I guess that is why."
  "Well that's enough of that then, isn't it?"

Out loud: "Yes. Yes it is quite enough of that."
In my head: "All of that; including the talking to myself bit."

But really. I can go back in my memories and correct that issue I had and it seems so obvious now. The wedding was a big deal: look how many people came just for us, how many people helped to put up decorations, how many things people took charge of and did just for us.
THAT was a big deal; still is. So they must have thought so, and still do.

DUH, Hillary... just... duh.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #26

Then only thing keeping me from writing this post entirely out of obscenities (or at least the first paragraph) is the fact that I can get drunk tonight.

Yup, the whooooore showed up.


via

Firstly, please don't tell me you're sorry; I know you are and I love you, but hearing this has just been making me well up and throw shit today. Women are wired to agree and my estrogen is very high right now, so if you're sorry, then I'll be sorry and I don't want to be! Instead, leave me a comment with an activity I couldn't do if I were pregnant.

I honestly did really well this morning when I woke up to her ugly ass face. I can handle either outcome but not knowing is the WORST.

So today I love me because:

1. I'm getting drunk. All weekend.
2. I'm elbows-deep in crochet baby hoodies
3. I'm making a hoodie for the surprise-pregnant people at work. 7 weeks ago I was bitter.
4. I'm really happy for the women who got pregnant this month that I talk to on fertility websites. Really. Jealous, but genuinely happy for them.
5. I love my cats.
6. I'm going to try to love Peach better. She's just soooo damn crazy all the time.
7. I'm letting myself feel however I want today.

Have a nice weekend.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #25

Happy Happy Happy Friday!

After getting constructive last week, I have been staying that way. I got the yarn I ordered more of in the mail and finished the future-baby hoodie last night. I put pictures of it up here!

I also finished 2 more crochet projects that should have been done about a year ago!

"D" for Daniel!

Corbin's Coyote Blanket

Now I am free to finish my current projects and get them to the people who are eagerly waiting!
So today, I love me because:

1. I still has a happy!!!
2. I am filled with FAITH, JOY and LOVE because of my personal relationship with my spirituality.
3. Everytime I dread being in the middle of the 2-week wait, I get giddy with anticipation instead.
4. I didn't wash my hair today... and I don't care!
5. This is week 3 of yoga/walking everyday! WHAT!!?!

Happy weekend to you!

S. : see you at 1! :o)