The last year.

I guess the title of this post has two meanings. The first: the last 365 days of my life. The second: the last 365 day of my life as I and everyone in it would know it.

I am gay.
I define myself as Queer.

Yes, my parents know. Yes, Shawn knows. Almost everyone I wanted to tell before I came out to the mass public has been told personally. If I didn't get the chance to call or tell you, I tried or wanted to. I just couldn't.

I'm ripping off the band-aid and putting it out there.
To answer some questions that have been posed to me and that you may find in your mind as you read this:

No, I "don't prefer dick anymore."
No, it is not hormones.
No, it's not because of anyone or anything that happened.
No, this is not a joke.
Yes, I am sure.
Yes, I have had experience to know I am sure. Even if I hadn't... how are you sure about your own sexual orientation? Yeah.

Yes, I know this hurts and changes my family forever.

But I cannot go on living as half of myself anymore. So many things make sense in hindsight and the relief of being honest outweighs the grief of the situation... most of the time. I am sorry for the pain this has caused those who love me and my family but I will never be sorry for who I am.

Shawn and I are separated and working toward a divorce, not that it's anyone's business. But I have nothing to hide, so there it is. We no longer have enough of what the other needs to keep our marriage going and I think it's responsible that we are honest about that with each other.
Our number one priority is our daughter and always will be.

The last 4 weeks have been the most vivid and difficult of my life. But I know one thing after living through a moon cycle of this new change:
I am fucking ALIVE.

In every sense of the word... I feel electric. I see signs everywhere from the universe that I have finally found the Path. My Path.

I take one day at a time now like I have always wanted to. I love myself in my entirety.
And someday it will all be okay.

I have never had to rely on others like I have before this last month or so, and I have found the true colors of the people I thought I knew. Some for the better, less for the worse. I know who loves me and how and how much. I have never felt so free in my life.

Any prayers and thoughts for my family and myself are appreciated.
Thank you for reading, if you did.

Love.

Just when I thought I knew anything...

It's really hard to grow up. And it's really hard to be a woman.
And it's really really hard to grow up strong enough of a woman to be a mother.

When you want to see the best in people, they show you their worst. A side you never knew was even possible to be seen. It's a cold, hard fact that some people are just mean.
This fact took me 8,936 days to learn and I'm still having a hard time swallowing it down today on day 8,937.
Part of the difficulty I have had in learning this is completely my fault. I give more credit to people than they are worth and I have too high of expectations for people based upon how I conduct myself. People are not me, they are people, and they are all very, very, puzzingly different. Makes the world go 'round, I suppose. But this is hands down the hardest lesson I have learned in my human life so far: some people just suck.

No matter how much of yourself you share with them, no matter how much you give or care, some will never be moved by that. And I must accept that, spend no more time poring over it and move on.

I just have to remember that even though I am forced to work with some of the meanest people I have ever met and will meet (I am sure) in my life, it must not become me; I must be unmoved by them as well. There is nothing wrong with me, dammit; I am nice. I am loving and full of rainbows and unicorns.
I hope I can adequately learn from this and use it to increase my strength. It's going to take a lot of strength to be a good mother one day; this can only be work done towards that.

Can I just say...

Any person, woman or man, has the right to do whatever she or he thinks is right for themselves. No one should be made to feel as though they must do anything but, no one must be ridiculed for doing what they feel is right, either.
Especially about the topics of birth, life and death: these are incredibly personal and unique experiences for us humans and we all feel very strongly about them.

Let us be and stay curious rather than become judgemental. Let us see what will happen.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #35



M63, the Sunflower Galaxy via celestialwonders

Today I love me because:

1. I am master of understanding my emotions.
2. I admit: After a whole month of not giving one single **** and even hoping for more time without a baby, I'm getting the desperation pangs back.
3. "Relax," "breathe," "it'll happen," don't upset me anymore. It reminds me to do those things exactly. Besides, how nice is it that someone "just knows it'll happen?" Makes my worry shrink.
4. I realize that I'm eating more and that'd be fine with my activity level but it's been carbs and sugar... I'm going to replace that with veggies.
5. I decided to leave my job after I have the baby to open a home daycare.
6. I'm going to paint my damn front door finally. Orange. Maybe even this weekend!

Thank you to my family and friends and to Shawn for sticking with me and for all the love and support. It helps.

And Shawn,
you will never know how much you do for me. I love you.

What is this called...? Oh, human.

via Maarten 

Today is very trying for me. It could be better but it sure could be worse.

Hell, it could be Friday. Some of you may have thought it was. Anyways...
I'm trying to continue seeing the forest for the trees but I feel just so downtrodden. I know better; I am fabulous right now. But I'm just addicted to a behavior pattern that goes:
Happy --> Content --> Bored --> Lazy --> Depressed --> Guilt
I blame this on being an adaptive human; I adapt to my surroundings whether they are shitty or whether they are good, and I get used to them instead of trying to change them/appreciate them any longer.
I want my behavior pattern to look like:
*Happy --> Content --> Curious --> Enlightened -->* Happy, repeat from * to *

I just need to work on my focus, I think.
See the trees...
Just breathe.

Love.

1 week down, 1 week to go...

Ugh. Now I remember what the two week wait hell is like. The first week you can keep it together quite well, and then the 2nd week starts and Ppbbtt!

Oh well. I'm being gentle with myself and not stressing out or getting upset at like, anything.

Ohhh you want to cut me off today? That's your path! I'll just be over here on mine, zenned out listening to Pink Floyd in my new carrrrrr...

Yeah, Shawn got me a black Honda Accord with 4 doors for when the baby finally decides to exist. Geeeze, baby. Take forever... OK, don't...

Sorry I haven't been blogging as much as I usually do; I've been really busy at work. Plus, not writing day after day during the 2 week wait helps stave off my impatience and I'd like to nurture that, mmmkay? I'm also sorry this post is so allover the place but I wanted to update the blog before Friday so as not to be quite so random.

ME?! Random... please... ppbbtt...

Every 4 Years



via 

 I'm sure I've done it many times, but this is the first time I have ever written it down.

Every 4 years I change--drastically, consciously. And then over the course of those years I grow into all the changes I make and I arrive--briefly. Then the realization of continuous change sets in and I begin to grow again. I'm like a quadrennial flower.

This time I am trying to grow into something that will help me to walk in the shoes that are too big now and will be too snug once again in 4 years: to stop being so hard on myself while I grow.
It is so frustrating to be where I am and to only want to be where I am going that I can get lost along the way in fits of harshness towards myself, "Why aren't you a better person yet?!"

Not this time. I'm going to enjoy growing up and up and have compassion for myself like I do for others. Then maybe the feeling of blossoming will come in whispers, and finally burst before briefly waning and beginning again.

It's Friday, I LoVE... my family!

This week, though challenging, reminded me of how strong I am and how much I love my family. We are strong together, and we have so much love for each other.

Shawn and I are doing very well. We're ready for more adventures of all kinds and have discovered the mindset that the future baby had better get ready for US.

---

I had been suffering anxiety since Monday after I knew this cycle was a bust again. My parents invited us to dinner at their house which took a huge burden off of my back as the last thing I wanted to do was to cook. My mom's roast is like eating a hug.

I tried to chill out but I had chest pains from my muscles tightening and even experienced a panic attack while Shawn was trying to take me out for sushi and a Mai Tai on Tuesday. I went to the doctor yesterday and asked for anxiety medication. I also had my blood ran for pituitary abnormalities (all normal!) and my thyroid checked (also normal!) so I am balanced in the hormone department... And I don't really want to take it the medication.
I just started feeling like me; I don't want to lose that--or my libido (need that to make a baby, people!)--by taking medication that could cause panic attacks...
I slept on the decision and woke up today with no chest pain and a kick-ass attitude.
I also woke up to see that the huge, painful hematoma from the blood draw had flattened, leaving a lovely array of blues, pinks and purples in my elbow-pit. It doesn't hurt anymore either!

I won't go into detail because it's not about me, but Grandpa had a stroke and is recovering now. I always love being in a room full of our family, and I still felt like that last night even though the room was a hospital room. Grandpa's still very much himself, muttering an "Aww, hell" every now and again.

I'm glad it's Friday and that I have such a wonderful and large family that cares for each other.
Keep us all in your thoughts, prayers and meditations. You're in ours!

Hang in There, Baby!

No news(usually)=good news, but in my case: no blog news=no news.

Everywhere I look are 13's... I know I am doing right by myself no matter what, I just have to have faith and well,

I also found a chart that made me feel SO much better about levels of pregnancy hormone in your body based on days past ovulation (DPO). Apparently if you have no AF (Aunt Flo!) and it's not 18DPO, you're not out of the game! YAY!


via

Today I had to work and I blasted through too much of today's and tomorrow's work in the first hour I was here... WOMP. So I'm keeping myself busy with music and finding positive things like the kitty picture and Lady Gaga Youtube videos. My ascendant horoscope:

"If you're either worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past, you're not enjoying the moment!"

Only 2 months ago I didn't even know if we could try to have children. We've come a long way.

"...it's alright, a-alright
Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance
Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance."

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #20

Happy Friday.

Today I love me because:

1. After a dark week, I'm back; happy and healthy and prepping for future baby some more.
2. I look like my mom :o)
3. I am re-examining what it means to be me, as I am about to change even more.
4. After the loss of a furbaby, I put my Mommy-in-Training pants on and kept on. I had to make cookies + tea and got. it. done.
5. People are having more difficulty finding their way under my skin anymore.

Have a nice weekend.

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

I realized a great many things this weekend, and then this morning as I began to incorporate them into myself, I received a phone call from the Doctor. It has only been 3 days since my appointment. But, yes.

My yes has come.

Yes, I am healthy enough to have a baby now.

I have no more cysts, no more precancerous cells and no more CIN1. I can have a baby!

I had immense faith that I would heal, but I didn't know if it would be "on time..." On my time is what I should say. I hardly ever get what I want when I want it. I either require growth, time, or both when they are one and the same. As soon as I want something I start to work towards it only for me to be set back waiting, waiting, waiting. This time is different, at this stage anyway.

I was running out of my Pill and I had no prescription. The doctor had me on some different than my old kind to see if it would help the cyst shrink before surgery. Now they are gone, and I have gotten this call.

Meant to be? Maybe. Feels that way...

Is it bad that I'm now way more excited about the Offbeat Mama meetup that I can be one?

Is it bad I can't stop happycrying? If it is, I don't care. I can't help that one!

What I think of "For the Best"

Whether you are religious or not, to accept an outcome from any situation is a matter of faith. If you choose to be a positive person, these outcomes would be "for the best."

Then why do bad things happen to good people?

Because whether we understand why or not, it is "for the best."
I believe that the Universe/God/Jah/Karma/etc... has a definite order to the series of events playing out in our lives and how they are supposed to click into place with one another. I have faith in that.
So in our limited scope of human knowledge of the Universe, it is a matter of choice and of faith to be positive and to know that whatever happens to us is for the best. Even if we don't understand why.

Everything is always as it should be. Everything happens for a reason. I trust in that.