I strive to live in the moment.
My partner is a great inspiration to me on this; he does a great job of it. Shawn rarely loses sight of what is True and he never takes the rising sun for granted. It's amazing and if it's corny, so be it but this is something I am trying to learn from him.
I am a planner.
I need to have all my bearings gathered with at least an outline of things to come. The reality of the plans can change and the outline never amended thereafter, but I have to start with an idea. Relating this to having babies, it seems to me that at least a little bit of preliminary planning is as somatic a response as involuntary as picking up something you dropped.
Maybe it's just my conditioned mind...
Does manifesting plans cause an inherent need for them? Does not creating any kind of plan and just "letting it all happen" make it easier to have a child? Are there certain things you should plan to a T, and then others to just let fall by the wayside?
This shadow of possibility scares me like nothing before. It scares me so much that from time to time (until a few days after Christmas) I was doing polarized flip-flops on whether I wanted to have kids at all. Finally in the last few days of December I exploded. After putting my hyper pug in her crate before she broke something, every one of my thoughts and feelings about mommyhood from the last 6 months compounded and rose up in my throat. The tears burned so as to tell me that this baby thing was not for me. I couldn't even calm down Peach (pug), how could I ever squelch a whailing baby? I would epitomise inadequacy in the mothering world. I had fully decided for the last time that I did NOT want children and I had to tell Shawn when he got home.
I told him with finality that this is who I am, and if he wanted children I'm laying out the situation on the table. He was really upset. We cried. He asked why and I told him everything about how I'd been feeling and the things that had been running through my head. And then he did what he does best by reminding me of what is True: he is my partner. And we are going to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. Planning can make you feel better now but no amount of plans can predict every situation, and you're bound to screw up here and there. The best thing we can do is to live now; try to be the kind of people we want to be everyday; and to thus prepare OURSELVES for being the kind of parents we want our children to have. This diminished my fear.
And then he shared his thoughts on how we will conceive, "I just thought we'd just kind of be in the moment and decide right there if it's time to try, and continue accordingly..."
Sounds good, babe. Sounds really good.
3 comments:
Totally inspiring . . .
@bridechic, your thought touched my heart. Thank you.
beautiful post Hill! I love how you are always willing to put your authentic self out there - I was in that situation before - life will evolve and your bunnay hubby is such wise beyond his years... never make a life long decision today that doesn't have a direct effect on tomorrow. I am so glad you have each other and regardless of the restless puppy, you will both be such loving and beautiful parents, if/when you choose. And p.s. helping raise my goddaughter in early months/years of her life, there are times/nights that no matter what you do, you can't help them and it will crush you and the next day life will be back to normal and beautiful. many hugs
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