Lake Zorinsky

I can't believe it's already Wednesday! Wooohooo! SO close to Friday + the weekend!

Over this last weekend we didn't do much. Saturday we went to Grandpa's house so Shawn could mow as he does every Saturday. We brought the pug so her and I sat outside in the loverly weather crocheting while Shawn took the mower out.
Halfway through a double crochet cluster, I hear a "BANG BANG" on the window from the inside--Shawn's cousins who will be staying at Grandpa's while he recovers had come over to move in some things.
I love Shawn's cousins and their children so much. His cousins entire family were in our wedding!
I just didn't think I'd have to see any babies or pregnant people that day... it wasn't a good day anyhow so it just made me sad. I didn't say much and I hope they know I wasn't mad or anything--just sad. We talked with them for a bit and went back home.
I cried and cried and cried.
Later in the day we got ready to go back out into Omaha to stop by Shawn's parents' house so he could make a payment on the car he just got for us. We got close to the house and saw Shawn's cousins' vehicle outside. They were visiting, too.

I looked at him and started to cry again.
He said calmly, "Let's go see the lake. We haven't seen it since it reopened."
I nodded and hugged the pug tight.
We got to Lake Zorinksy and the weather was so amazing for a walk with the dog. We all really enjoyed it. We forgot about everything if only for a bit as we watched the sun go down. We waited to leave until the clouds obscured its plunge into the horizon, turning the sky shades of orange, purple and pink. It was so beautiful. I was happy just sitting there with my little family. Everything really was as it should be at that moment; I just let everything go.

We went back to his parents' house and visited Grandpa until he was tired. His mom expressed that we "should have come over earlier" as we left.

Shawn and I just looked at each other and smiled to ourselves.
It had been the perfect time to come over.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #26

Then only thing keeping me from writing this post entirely out of obscenities (or at least the first paragraph) is the fact that I can get drunk tonight.

Yup, the whooooore showed up.


via

Firstly, please don't tell me you're sorry; I know you are and I love you, but hearing this has just been making me well up and throw shit today. Women are wired to agree and my estrogen is very high right now, so if you're sorry, then I'll be sorry and I don't want to be! Instead, leave me a comment with an activity I couldn't do if I were pregnant.

I honestly did really well this morning when I woke up to her ugly ass face. I can handle either outcome but not knowing is the WORST.

So today I love me because:

1. I'm getting drunk. All weekend.
2. I'm elbows-deep in crochet baby hoodies
3. I'm making a hoodie for the surprise-pregnant people at work. 7 weeks ago I was bitter.
4. I'm really happy for the women who got pregnant this month that I talk to on fertility websites. Really. Jealous, but genuinely happy for them.
5. I love my cats.
6. I'm going to try to love Peach better. She's just soooo damn crazy all the time.
7. I'm letting myself feel however I want today.

Have a nice weekend.

Hang in There, Baby!

No news(usually)=good news, but in my case: no blog news=no news.

Everywhere I look are 13's... I know I am doing right by myself no matter what, I just have to have faith and well,

I also found a chart that made me feel SO much better about levels of pregnancy hormone in your body based on days past ovulation (DPO). Apparently if you have no AF (Aunt Flo!) and it's not 18DPO, you're not out of the game! YAY!


via

Today I had to work and I blasted through too much of today's and tomorrow's work in the first hour I was here... WOMP. So I'm keeping myself busy with music and finding positive things like the kitty picture and Lady Gaga Youtube videos. My ascendant horoscope:

"If you're either worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past, you're not enjoying the moment!"

Only 2 months ago I didn't even know if we could try to have children. We've come a long way.

"...it's alright, a-alright
Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance
Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance."

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #24

What a fast week! I'll make this post fast, too.



via

I love me today because:

1. Pictures like the one above are making me cry today... in a happy way. I can't wait to make Shawn a daddy.
2. This is week 2 that I have been walking and doing yoga; now I do both everyday!
3. I didn't even THINK about going to the hiding place to use an OPK.
4. I am happy... and I'm still waiting to bust an egg this month. Success!

Happy weekend everybody.

Let the Sun shine... Let the Sunshine In...

Last month I learned something valuable that I will share at risk of sounding very young... even though I am very young.


via

A month ago today I shared that someone at my work's wife is suprise-pregnant... but I didn't share that this was announced the day after my first BFN (big fat negative)... Thursday night I was devastated, disappointed, sad, and so frustrated. I managed to pull myself together before work that next morning and continue on, sunflower upon my head and the skip in my step that is Friday. After that announcement I plunged back down to the place I had been. I didn't like it; I felt involuntarily miserable and thus more miserable.
After making it through most of the day I was finally at home, sulking to myself. One of my blog-sisters, Kim, emailed me to see how I was doing and I spilled the beans. I expected her to agree, to comiserate with me, and to tell me things I wanted to hear.  She didn't; she pissed me off.

She told me that she knows how frustrating it must be for me to be going through this in light of the announcement, but that I had to be happy for them.

WHAT?! But, but... ME!!! What about MEEEE?!

Her email continued, "the more joy you can let in your heart and less stress, the easier it will be to conceive."

WELL... hmm. Yeah... Maybe there's something to this...
So I thought about it. I examined where the pissed-off was coming from: me.
She doesn't know the people I work with; she knows and likes me. She wants to help me.
So I had to re-read the email with love in my heart. It sounded different in my head the second time.
"You know," I said to myself, "you'd want people to be happy for you."
True.
"So be happy for them; they're going to experience the joy of a child. This doesn't mean you won't..."

Also True. So instead of being negatively affected by the news, I chose to be happy and go towards all the feelings that ever make me sad/uncomfortable and get up close to them. Turns out that once you make that choice, to be happy, the negative feelings simply back down and fizzle; this last month has been the most joyous of my entire life.


Thanks for pissing me off, Kim. ;o)

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE #19

This week has been kind of rough. Yesterday, rougher.
It's a very emotional time for me right now waiting for this baby to become a thing. I left work yesterday a couple hours early being blinded by involuntary tears (really?) and just went home to tear my once-office apart and get it cleared out more for baby space. It's all I can do when I can't be pregnant now, to get things ready for when we are.
Shawn came home, not too soon after I got there to find me ripping the office apart. He told me he knew I was upset and couldn't work knowing I was at home feeling like that. We hugged for a minute and continued to go to work on the house, but together. For the next three hours we sifted, sorted, cleaned and placed items we hadn't seen in years. I look into the rooms we got done in disbelief that shortly we'll soon be painting the baby room and stocking it shortly after. I was in a great place last night upon falling asleep, even into this morning. I even wore my sunflower.
Then this morning at our group breaksfast, someone broke the news, their "wife is pregnant. We weren't even trying! Isn't that great?!"
Of course it is, but I don't give 2 shits right now.

So I love me today because:

1. I'm not so baby crazy that I trick Shawn into getting pregnant now.
2. I'm pretty. All the time. Even first thing in the morning. (And so are you.)
3. I wore a vintage shirt I bought last year and it's awesome.
4. I get to clean up my high chair tonight.

That's it.