Being Pregnant is Weird

My belly LAST week!

At just about 14 weeks, no one is more amazed at how fast this is going than I.
I could go on about all the little changes happening; the little pinches, pops and twitches in my belly; or how I somehow received implants gradually over the course of the last 10 weeks and have no memory of it whatsoever. But instead I just want to put it out there: being pregnant... is WEIRD.
Some days I lay on my side, imagining the fruit-sized fetus inside me wriggling with life and its own heartbeat and I get as teary and excited as the first day I found out it was finally in there.
Other days I sit and feel the new pressure in my uterus, the sensations of what must be the baby rolling and turning in its small space only to get the sensation that I've been holding a snake and I'd  like to put it-down-NOW. NOW. NOWNOWNOW. But I can't; I have to keep holding it.
Like I said: it's weird.

I also go from being very happy and excited for a few days, almost completely worry-free, and then I get overwhelmed and wonder if we did this at the right time. I also obsessively fear miscarrying and being in a car accident while pregnant every few days.
I blame hormones entirely. And lack of sleep.

Sleep is like something entirely new now. I sleep whenever and wherever I am able to do so for an hour or more. Sleep is also the 3-4 hour stints of rest I get at night between trips to the toilet and the pantry. I used to get so much sleep that I dreamed crazy pregnant dreams; now my sleep is so broken I haven't dreamed in almost a month.

Eating is still what my life revolves around. Every hour or two (sometimes 2 and a half) I must eat, or die... not really, but if I don't eat I'll puke and that hurts like I could be dying when my stomach is empty. This is why I not only visit the toilet in the wee (ha!) hours of the morning, but also the pantry: the baby bitch-slaps me with early morning (3:40 AM) hunger-induced nausea. What works the best and buys me the most time back asleep are my homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
The nausea I still have is almost always due to hunger. I have to be eating 2 hours after the last time I started to eat or else I'm asking to get sick. Yesterday I stayed on schedule and I still threw up, so who knows? As soon as I figure out my pattern I have a weird day or a new variable to toss into the mix, like sneezing. If I'm starting to get nauseous I sneeze. Sometimes the nausea goes away after I sneeze and sometimes it's a warning that puke is imminent.
Like I said: weird.

Pregnancy isn't at all anything that I thought it would be.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #38 - Confessions

It's been a while, hasn't it? Almost a month, actually. A wild month...

I was going to recap what I went through but really, I just can't.
Suffice it to say being pregnant is not rainbows and lollipops; it is not fun to me at all. I'm happy I'm finally pregnant and the baby is healthy whenever we get checked, but this is no damn picnic. I am 10 weeks pregnant this week and feeling every bit of it.
All the notions I had about being glowy, experiencing brief nausea, eating as I always have, and walking on air are no longer clouding my head.
I have pimples everywhere where I once had beautiful skin; I won't even go into how bad the morning sickness has been (IV fluids... *cough*cough*); I eat like I used to when I was a child (and suffer the after-effects. Kim, you know...); and I don't even know whose boobs I have on my body right now but they are not mine.
I no longer know my body. It has become a stranger.
I fell off the yoga, meditation and astrology wagon. I no longer even think like myself anymore. I'm stressed, tired, and so-so-so emotional all the time. I started praying again this week, though. I had been a bit, but not as much like I used to at all. It's helping.

So today, even though I am being so hard on myself lately, I must say:
I love me because

1. At work, I just can't bring myself to GAF about all the idiots anymore. There are some lovely people here that really do care, and I concern myself with them.
2. I take it easy; I have no choice, but I still am gentle with myself.
3. Even in my pregnancy-induced insanity, I recognize how amazing Shawn is and how much he helps me. I'd be dead by now without him, many times over. Or in jail...
4. My nails are growing like a mutha... they're pretty.

That's it for now, everyone. Have a nice weekend and pray for the East Coast.
Take care.

Just when I thought I knew anything...

It's really hard to grow up. And it's really hard to be a woman.
And it's really really hard to grow up strong enough of a woman to be a mother.

When you want to see the best in people, they show you their worst. A side you never knew was even possible to be seen. It's a cold, hard fact that some people are just mean.
This fact took me 8,936 days to learn and I'm still having a hard time swallowing it down today on day 8,937.
Part of the difficulty I have had in learning this is completely my fault. I give more credit to people than they are worth and I have too high of expectations for people based upon how I conduct myself. People are not me, they are people, and they are all very, very, puzzingly different. Makes the world go 'round, I suppose. But this is hands down the hardest lesson I have learned in my human life so far: some people just suck.

No matter how much of yourself you share with them, no matter how much you give or care, some will never be moved by that. And I must accept that, spend no more time poring over it and move on.

I just have to remember that even though I am forced to work with some of the meanest people I have ever met and will meet (I am sure) in my life, it must not become me; I must be unmoved by them as well. There is nothing wrong with me, dammit; I am nice. I am loving and full of rainbows and unicorns.
I hope I can adequately learn from this and use it to increase my strength. It's going to take a lot of strength to be a good mother one day; this can only be work done towards that.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #26

Then only thing keeping me from writing this post entirely out of obscenities (or at least the first paragraph) is the fact that I can get drunk tonight.

Yup, the whooooore showed up.


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Firstly, please don't tell me you're sorry; I know you are and I love you, but hearing this has just been making me well up and throw shit today. Women are wired to agree and my estrogen is very high right now, so if you're sorry, then I'll be sorry and I don't want to be! Instead, leave me a comment with an activity I couldn't do if I were pregnant.

I honestly did really well this morning when I woke up to her ugly ass face. I can handle either outcome but not knowing is the WORST.

So today I love me because:

1. I'm getting drunk. All weekend.
2. I'm elbows-deep in crochet baby hoodies
3. I'm making a hoodie for the surprise-pregnant people at work. 7 weeks ago I was bitter.
4. I'm really happy for the women who got pregnant this month that I talk to on fertility websites. Really. Jealous, but genuinely happy for them.
5. I love my cats.
6. I'm going to try to love Peach better. She's just soooo damn crazy all the time.
7. I'm letting myself feel however I want today.

Have a nice weekend.

Hang in There, Baby!

No news(usually)=good news, but in my case: no blog news=no news.

Everywhere I look are 13's... I know I am doing right by myself no matter what, I just have to have faith and well,

I also found a chart that made me feel SO much better about levels of pregnancy hormone in your body based on days past ovulation (DPO). Apparently if you have no AF (Aunt Flo!) and it's not 18DPO, you're not out of the game! YAY!


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Today I had to work and I blasted through too much of today's and tomorrow's work in the first hour I was here... WOMP. So I'm keeping myself busy with music and finding positive things like the kitty picture and Lady Gaga Youtube videos. My ascendant horoscope:

"If you're either worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past, you're not enjoying the moment!"

Only 2 months ago I didn't even know if we could try to have children. We've come a long way.

"...it's alright, a-alright
Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance
Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance."

Motherhood is Not a Fix-All

Some women think a baby will "fix" a relationship.
It won't.
Some women think a baby will put an end to all the things you don't like about yourself.
It won't.
A lot of women think that once they're a mom they will be ( and have to be) pefect.
They don't.
I won't.

I read a very scary article that is being touted as "honest." Just because it's honest doesn't mean it should be passed off to the masses as normal or OK. I don't think it's OK that the author feels the way she does at home (angry and resentful: her words, not mine) with her children or towards her work-out-of-the-house spouse. I mean, unless she wants to feel that way... but it doesn't sound like it.
Some things I noticed in her post are self-imposed problems: she expects herself to be perfect; she looks at her husband working as him "getting to be 'out all day'"; she focuses on all the hard things she does; she expects to be able to do everything {often on her own} with 3 CHILDREN, 6 and under; and she expects to be involved in a lot of school-functions. She says the only time she feels truly happy is when she is out of the house with the children.

Now I have NO IDEA what having 1 (let-alone 3) child is like and how hard it is, but I do know about being married and some of the lessons are transferrable. I've also learned a lot about myself in the past year or so and those lessons are universal. Shawn and I read and discussed the article together last night, and these are our collective thoughts:

Moms have to be Perfect
This is, frankly, stupid. Being a mother is not a given, not a default option for any woman. It is an exhausting choice among many choices women can make, and should be regarded as such instead of something women are "born to do" and "have to be." Mothers, like all women childless and otherwise, are people. People are not perfect. So perfect mom = not existent.

SAHM's/SAHD's Don't Work
This has recently been verbalized in the news and is one of the most detrimental thoughts in parent-culture, IMO. Staying at home with children ALL DAY, EVERYDAY has to be hard as hell. How many hours of Baby Einstein can you take? How many messes can you clean in one day while performing normal household chores?! It's HARD! But a working-outside-the-house parent is no more "out all day" than the SAHP is "lounging around in the house all day."
As long as a working partner and the SAHP have a mutual understanding that they are both doing all they can to contribute to the wellbeing of the child/ren, then there is no point in focusing on "who did the most laundry last week?" Focusing on the things you do versus the things your spouse does to support your household can be very damaging to your relationship and imposes a "me"versus "us" relationship... and last time I checked you don't marry yourself.

The Sun Never Says

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe Me."

Look what happens with

A love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

- Hafiz, from The Gift

Good Moms Do it All on Their Own

Pfffft! HA! Right. Good moms, and parents, all ask for help when they need it. They also simply take it when it is offered. We've all heard "It takes a village..." so build one, then use it. If parents don't get time to themselves and together alone they will lose it--and fast. Stress often doesn't creep up to bad levels until you already need a break, so take one when you can. Surround yourself with a support system made of people you trust, and call them when you need it.

Good Moms are there for EVERY Field Trip and Fundraising Campaign

Um, maybe if they have only one kid! I only say this even because my mom was a SAHM most of my childhood and she was just available most the time. When you have more than one child  you have to shift the priorities from the setting they were at with less children, or even with just one. More people that matter (kids, family) are demanding more from you so the people who don't matter as much (teachers, other moms) need to take a backseat. This way you can give the ones you love your best. No leftovers for family unless they're out of the fridge, folks.

SAHP are Inside All Day

If being inside with kids all day makes you batty, by all means, STAY THE EFF OUTSIDE ALL DAY. Sleep in, get up and get ready (yes, dressed and hair/makeup if you wear it) and go out for the day until working-outside-the-house parent comes home and then re-converge. SIMPLE.

As I stated, I am not a parent so I have no idea quite yet what it's like. I have a feeling, though, if I kept these things in mind that my husband and I came to after discussing this post I believe I'll be a happier mother. My opinion, my blog, my say.

I Replaced the Pill with a BBT

Download this Free BBT Chart for Degrees C or F HERE

Last week I had mentioned that I am pre-nesting and had purchased some things to help us prepare before we start actively trying in July. The Prenatal Vitamins and basal thermometer (BBT) came in the mail yesterday so I took a tablet after dinner with water and this morning recorded my first Basal Body Temperature. I almost forgot to take it and record it on the chart this morning since you have to do it even before you're "up" for the day out of bed. I layed there and waited for it to beep and then read it: 96.8F... I was instantly awake, "Is that right?" I asked Shawn, who was still mostly sleeping. He said something muffled by pillow and I just recorded it as it was. Turns out it is very normal to have a body temp between 96-98F upon waking. Who knew?!
So although I don't take a Pill everyday now, I still have to do this everyday. I find it easier to do something in the effort of getting pregnant versus in the effort of not getting pregnant, especially when I want a baby NAO. I'm also into the idea of knowing my body really well and seeing the patterns emerge. Overall, I'd describe myself currently as impatient.

I'm MAD

All my life I have had an issue accepting that things I create are dynamic and amazing. The baby Shawn and I will make will be undeniably these things and many more. What's more, the presence of our child will be unrefutable, even to those who may disapprove.
The things I make I feel others accept with a note of "ohhh that's nice, let's put that on the fridge." I realize this has more to do with me than anyone else, but the thought of this projected onto our future baby has been slapped up into my face today. And I AM MAD ABOUT IT.
Sure, Omaha Fashion Week was a bust--this year. And the job was, too--for now. But these things will be around when I'm ready to blast faces off with fashion and art. And I'm not ready for that.
I am so ready for our baby however, that my insides ache.

I said I realized lots of things over the weekend yesterday, and one of them I realized Sunday morning before I was even awake, a full day before the doctor would even call: I was making busywork for myself by applying to OFW and that job position instead of going after the baby I really wanted. I was trying to distract myself from the pain of it not possibly working out, to fill up the space in time the future might not allow a baby to fill.

And then I decided even if I wasn't healthy enough quite yet, that we would still try before undergoing another surgery or treatment that might leave me infertile. I surrendered Sunday. Then Monday I was cleared as healthy anyway, which I think means it's time.
So today at work when I shared this with the person who used to be my supervisor, it shocked me to hear him say "Sometimes we just tell ourselves something to make it okay."

Yes, it is SO simple to decide to have a baby that when I don't get a job I want to just throw the towel in and strap on the mommy pants!
Yes, I have been going to Dr. HappyFunTime (AKA the gyno) for the last 8 months to get healthy just for fun!
Yes, I know I've been talking about finally deciding to have a baby for only 6 months, but now that any opportunity I tried for this month has turned me down, I will tell myself it's okay by getting knocked up!

So I'm mad.
Earth, prepare for one real-talking, take-no-shit, matter-of-fact Offbeat Mama.

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

I realized a great many things this weekend, and then this morning as I began to incorporate them into myself, I received a phone call from the Doctor. It has only been 3 days since my appointment. But, yes.

My yes has come.

Yes, I am healthy enough to have a baby now.

I have no more cysts, no more precancerous cells and no more CIN1. I can have a baby!

I had immense faith that I would heal, but I didn't know if it would be "on time..." On my time is what I should say. I hardly ever get what I want when I want it. I either require growth, time, or both when they are one and the same. As soon as I want something I start to work towards it only for me to be set back waiting, waiting, waiting. This time is different, at this stage anyway.

I was running out of my Pill and I had no prescription. The doctor had me on some different than my old kind to see if it would help the cyst shrink before surgery. Now they are gone, and I have gotten this call.

Meant to be? Maybe. Feels that way...

Is it bad that I'm now way more excited about the Offbeat Mama meetup that I can be one?

Is it bad I can't stop happycrying? If it is, I don't care. I can't help that one!

Word

KRAMER: Do you ever yearn?
GEORGE: Yearn? Do I yearn?
KRAMER: I yearn.
GEORGE: You yearn.
KRAMER: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
GEORGE: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.
KRAMER (in disgust): Look at you.

What is "Daisy to Sunflower?"

Van Gogh's "Sunflowers"



My obsession with sunflowers began nearly ten years ago when my father told me they reminded him of me. At first I was disappointed because I loved daisies as a girl, but I soon began to like the new flower much more. It was like a daisy, but richer hued. Like a daisy had been oxidized without wilting until its hues saturated into a vivid yellow with a browned center. It kind of resonated with me as I realized this that this would happen to me, too. As I got older I would no longer be a clean white daisy; I'm like a rolling stone and I knew I'd be getting dirty... "darker."
My affinity to sunflowers is not unlike Vincent Willem Van Gogh's obsession with The Flower. He is best known for all his sunflower still lifes and paintings. They also meant something deeper to him; they wilt so fast and change hue so quickly in the process that they reminded him of life and how quickly it changes.
Both Van Gogh and I see something truly meaningful within the Sunflower which we also see in ourselves. His paintings brought him friendship with another artist who loved them, so Van Gogh connotated Sunflowers with friendship as well as with gratitude. He painted many different versions of the print above and 2 of those versions were combined with a third painting depicting a woman, a mother, between them. Scholars say that he may have been inspired to create the triptych of the three pieces when he got sick and remembered his mother's care. One brings flowers to another to show gratitude and this may have been his way of showing it by carrying it out in his medium.

One thing that I see in sunflowers that Van Gogh could never see, because of his sex, is the symbolism of the flower as the nature of my feminity. I identified with it as a rapidly-changing teen, as a young woman, as a Bride, and now as the woman I am growing up to Be. All the stages of my life are represented within its growth, its hues' vibrancies, and its beauty.
I am the gesture drawing of a sunflower on a page in a sketchbook.
I am constantly changing.
I am looking toward the sun.
And I am beautiful.