I'm MAD

All my life I have had an issue accepting that things I create are dynamic and amazing. The baby Shawn and I will make will be undeniably these things and many more. What's more, the presence of our child will be unrefutable, even to those who may disapprove.
The things I make I feel others accept with a note of "ohhh that's nice, let's put that on the fridge." I realize this has more to do with me than anyone else, but the thought of this projected onto our future baby has been slapped up into my face today. And I AM MAD ABOUT IT.
Sure, Omaha Fashion Week was a bust--this year. And the job was, too--for now. But these things will be around when I'm ready to blast faces off with fashion and art. And I'm not ready for that.
I am so ready for our baby however, that my insides ache.

I said I realized lots of things over the weekend yesterday, and one of them I realized Sunday morning before I was even awake, a full day before the doctor would even call: I was making busywork for myself by applying to OFW and that job position instead of going after the baby I really wanted. I was trying to distract myself from the pain of it not possibly working out, to fill up the space in time the future might not allow a baby to fill.

And then I decided even if I wasn't healthy enough quite yet, that we would still try before undergoing another surgery or treatment that might leave me infertile. I surrendered Sunday. Then Monday I was cleared as healthy anyway, which I think means it's time.
So today at work when I shared this with the person who used to be my supervisor, it shocked me to hear him say "Sometimes we just tell ourselves something to make it okay."

Yes, it is SO simple to decide to have a baby that when I don't get a job I want to just throw the towel in and strap on the mommy pants!
Yes, I have been going to Dr. HappyFunTime (AKA the gyno) for the last 8 months to get healthy just for fun!
Yes, I know I've been talking about finally deciding to have a baby for only 6 months, but now that any opportunity I tried for this month has turned me down, I will tell myself it's okay by getting knocked up!

So I'm mad.
Earth, prepare for one real-talking, take-no-shit, matter-of-fact Offbeat Mama.

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

I realized a great many things this weekend, and then this morning as I began to incorporate them into myself, I received a phone call from the Doctor. It has only been 3 days since my appointment. But, yes.

My yes has come.

Yes, I am healthy enough to have a baby now.

I have no more cysts, no more precancerous cells and no more CIN1. I can have a baby!

I had immense faith that I would heal, but I didn't know if it would be "on time..." On my time is what I should say. I hardly ever get what I want when I want it. I either require growth, time, or both when they are one and the same. As soon as I want something I start to work towards it only for me to be set back waiting, waiting, waiting. This time is different, at this stage anyway.

I was running out of my Pill and I had no prescription. The doctor had me on some different than my old kind to see if it would help the cyst shrink before surgery. Now they are gone, and I have gotten this call.

Meant to be? Maybe. Feels that way...

Is it bad that I'm now way more excited about the Offbeat Mama meetup that I can be one?

Is it bad I can't stop happycrying? If it is, I don't care. I can't help that one!

MOTHERHOOD is NOT MISOGYNY, HILARY ROSEN

It's Friday... I'm in LoVE #1

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

I have decided to love myself.

I told myself out loud for the first time in the mirror yesterday "I love you."
I say those words so many times to Shawn everyday and he says it back, but I never tell myself. I believe our habits shape us and if I make a habit to externalize this, the feeling might "take."

To me, loving myself means no more beating myself up for things I'd wish to do over differently. No more replaying painful memories of people hurting me and wishing I'd said something different. No more thinking I "used" to be pretty. No more eating bad things that make me feel bad. No more leaving the house without feeling like "BITCH, I AM FAH-BULOUS."

I believe keeping yourself healthy is part of loving yourself so I went through with my lady-doctor appointment on Tuesday. It wasn't the yearly; it was a follow-up to the yearly appointment because the first pap results were "abnormal." I had to be mildly sedated when I went because I get so worked up in the office I will faint and/or puke & cry when getting a pap. But I go, because it is important.

Turns out I have level CIN-1 Cervical Dysplasia. This means the outer cells in there make precancerous cells, and this is good to know. It could be MUCH worse (like the 23-year old who found out she had CIN-3 and got an entire hysterectomy) and I can help myself get rid of it. Green Tea has been shown to help (by the FDA) and vegetables like kale, broccoli, brussel sprouts and caluiflower also help to make the cervical cells healthy again. And I lurrrrve those veggies best! By the time April comes around I have to go back AGAIN to the doctor and see how it has progressed.

In the meantime I will continue meditating, loving myself, living my life and making/sewing lots and lots of neat things! Today, and every Friday, I am making a list of things I love about myself and I encourage you to list something in the comments you love about yourself!!!

I love my _________ :
1. My creativity.
2. My hair. It NEVER pisses me off beyond repair.
3. Ability to LoVE without conditions.
4. Willingness to change for the better.


Love,



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