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Years ago I had a really hard time dealing with my PTSD and anxiety. I still have a touch of it, especially when I'm tired. I have learned to manage it well over the years without medication by meditating and surrounding myself with love. Before then, Shawn was my only Happy Place and he could quell the worst of my anxiety episodes. My throat would tighten, my breathing would hasten, and I might have fainted or cried uncontrollably. He would just hold me and remind me to breathe; I now know he was probably scared or freaked out but he never let me see that. He was strong for me and got me through each trial. On one of our trips together I found a Carnelian crystal that reminded me of him and I had him wear it while we were together. When we would separate for work or other events where we couldn't be together I would take it with me and wear it. The crystal somehow helped me pull it together if I had an episode while I was out of his reach. It really comforted me and made me feel better.
Now I find myself much stronger, especially after birthing B, but like I said: sometimes when I am tired (like today) the crying spells and anxiety rear themselves up. Since Shawn has gone back to work the feeling of real life has resumed and my baby-induced state of bliss has a tinge of monotony added back into it. The stress of bills; the search for income in unconventional ways; and simply missing each other after 6 weeks of nonstop time together as a new family after B came to stay Earthside signals that reality has set back in. Harsh reality.
It's hard to watch and to let him go in the morning knowing he hates his job and hates to leave us. His boss is a bad man and runs his company without ethics, all while appearing to be successful.While we wave goodbye and shout our "loveyous" through the screen door I watch as he drives away. It is hard to remember I am strong as the car gets further and further away. I feel my heart break while my tears rise up through my throat, nose, and finally my eyes.
I can't wait for 5:30... especially today. I want to go to my Happy Place.
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6 comments:
Aw, sweetie, you are such a committed and loving family that I know you will get through this and any other difficult times that come your way. I'm so sorry to hear about Shawn's job being so rough, but the important thing is that you have each other. Sending love and hugs, as always!
I can't believe I forgot to comment on this post. I read it and composed a comment in my mind and then...who knows what happened?
Anyhow, here's what I wanted to say:
The therapist in me read this post and responded with empathy and sadness that you have had to go through this in the past and that it's rearing it's head again. The therapist me thought maybe having someone to talk to during this time of adjustment would be helpful.
But then the friend, the non-therapist person in me says: You Are Doing JUST FINE. Emotionally and biologically, having a baby is really hard work. It changes the coping mechanisms you previously had and changes your way of seeing the world. Struggling with some anxiety is normal. And, it sounds like you are adjusting in a very healthy way. The way you see B. as a part of you two is such a wonderful meaning and peace to give to yourself.
Keep it up, things will get easier.
@Heather thank you. You're right: we have each other! Always :)
@JustMe haha! Pregnant brain ;o)
I've gone to therapy and it helped for a time. I've taken Lexapro and it didn't help but made me feel insane and numb.
When I get overwhelmed meditation really helps me. And yoga. Those two things got me through all my pregnancy-induced worries and now it helps me get through the tough days when I reallllly miss Shawn. I love that your therapist side is actually so nurturing and that you care. That is truly heartwarming to me. :)
Lexapro does exactly that - numb you. It numbs you so you don't have panic symptoms. It makes me mad when professionals use that as a treatment. It's not a treatment - it's a bandaid. Yoga and meditation are great treatments for panic. In my opinion, the BEST treatment (I'm biased, it's the one I'm trained in) is called interoceptive exposure. It exposes you to the physical sensations and triggers of an attack until they no longer have so much power over you.
But, like I said, that's only necessary if you aren't doing fine on your own. Which it sounds like you are!
I liked your saying that you surround yourself with loving people--that in itself is a great help!
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