Christmas Cake 2013

Christmas is here...

Dried Flower Memories

Being a parent immerses you into some deep places sometimes. Not necessarily dark, but deep.

I saw some pictures of myself when I was 11 and 12 this week and it makes me realize I vividly remember some VERY old memories. I remember looking that way.
In one of the photos, I proudly hold up my Furby (ca. 1999) and my mom crochets in the background. She and I were both 14 years younger... such a long time. In the photo she is only 10 years older than I am right now.

I don't know if it's because we look so similar or because now I am a mother myself, but I see more of myself in my mother in that photo of her than in that photo of me. It's not that I don't remember being 11, because I DO; I remember the braces, the perm, the everything.
I just see the reflection of myself within my mother so much more than I see myself in the "me" that I have grown from. I'm really glad this photo is still around.

I once thought keeping things makes them inherently special, but it's not the keeping that makes a thing worth something more than it was the day it was more familiar. It's the fact that one day when we reflect upon a memento, we will be more wise and more able to fully appreciate the memories we made with the kept object. It's like looking at a favorite painting or listening to a favorite song throughout your life. The painting or song changes with you because the more life you experience the more your perspective changes. It can make you appreciate things you never stopped to appreciate before. It's wonderful.

It reminds me of pressing and drying flowers. Our lives are so short yet so beautiful that sometimes we have to look back and graze the petals to remember how beautiful things are and have continued to be, even when we have moved on.

Break over!

Quietly, I took a break last month from blogging. I didn't mean to and I didn't announce it nor did I plan it. I wrote a couple posts before I stopped in October and I realized they kind of stained the vibe of the blog like ink water spots on crisp white paper.
I took a step back, realized that yes, I was going through a bit of postpartum depression, and that forcing myself to blog was making me over-analyze my feelings. So I stopped writing, continued living, and worked on letting myself feel what I felt and then moving on (all the while knowing better than the chemical imbalance in my brain) and now it's over. I feel good again. Happy for no reason, even!

It ceased last month right before our beloved ferret, Noni, passed away. She was always the symbol of my emotional duplicity in my dreams. Usually she would help me work through the process of unifying myself between the channels of heart and mind; sometimes she would show me that I was tearing myself apart and that although I was fine for the moment, I could not truly live that way. She reminded both Shawn and I of a weasel, or a little otter.
The night after she died I dreamed that I was sitting on a bench in front of a fountain. In the middle of the fountain there was a bit of land with a large tree. An otter was standing under the tree and I looked to her. She dove into the water and came out on the other side in front of me and I stood up from the bench. She held out her paw: she had a snail with the brightest white shell I had ever seen. She ate the snail and handed me the shell.
It was as if I understood her, and she understood me.

I knew Noni was finally at peace. I knew she was OK wherever she was now and that I would be OK, too. I must remember my true self, who I am, and continue navigating life at my own pace.

The Fear

Mama Kitty is not a suitable babysitter...

I have spent a large portion of my life trying to validate my own feelings. I read dozens of psychology and medical journals and articles every week as though it were mandatory to research before feeling the way you feel about things in public. It's almost like training for a fight that might happen... it's just a verbal fight I prepare for.
This has become very apparent to me since becoming Bernice's mother.

I researched everything about having a baby and then everything about parenting so that I could do the best job possible and know that in my heart I am doing what is best for her and our family. So far that is working out great and she is a happy and healthy little peanut. I have loads of articles and journal pages under my belt to back up the choices we have made and how those fit into our family, but there is nothing I could read that would make me leave my baby before I am ready.

And that's just the way I feel.

Call it attachment parenting, Postpartum Depression, or plain old selfishness but I don't care: I am not ready to leave my baby. And that is that.

Reasons (that I collectively call "The Fear")I have scrounged for in order to validate myself feeling this way include: someone feeding her something other than milk (and/or her having an allergic reaction to that food/formula), her having to take a bottle when we are exclusively breastfeeding, something happening to her while we are away and not being told about it, a robbery happening somewhere she is staying, blah blah BLAH.
In any case, I have my reasons (which are mostly worst-case scenarios worked out in my head when I think about leaving her). I chalk this up to simply not being ready to leave her for any amount of time just yet. She is only going to be a baby for so long, if I want to "hog" her I will. I worked hard, puked hard, and pushed hard to grow and birth her and I'll do what I feel ready to do when I am ready to do it. No one has a "right" to her. She is a privilege to have as a child and anyone who is entrusted to take care of her for the first time when we are ready to have a night out alone will understand that.
And besides, I'd love for Shawn to be the one she is left with if I must leave her so that he can have some one-on-one time with her. He is her father and that is important to establish.

But for now I am not ready to leave Bernice with anyone (except Shawn) for any amount of time.
It's just how I feel.

The Kittens are 4!!!

I can't believe it's been a year since I posted Mama Kitty's birth story (http://daisytosunflower.blogspot.com/2012/09/our-kitty-babies-are-3.html). We're celebrating the kittens' birthday on Friday with a can of tuna and some extra hugs. Happy birthday Ava and. Lucy!

Love and Comfort II

What seems like a long time ago, I wrote about the fuzzy feeling you get when you fall in love and what happens to it after a while: it turns into comfort based on trust for your partner.
That trust has sustained Shawn and I through many years (6 years next month) and through my very puke-y pregnancy with Bernice. Now that she is here, I find myself uncomfortable in a vague sort of way. Like I felt long ago when my body first started to change in 6th grade.

I'm too hard on myself once again. Even though I am doing my best to get some kind of familiar shape back I know my body will never be the same. Even though I fit in a lot of my pants again I have the loose mommy-tummy skin from being stretched to the stretch-mark point for almost a year. I don't know what I expected before I had Bernice and I don't know what I expect of myself now but whatever it is, I'm not meeting my own subconscious expectations.

It makes being anything but cuddly with Shawn kind of difficult. No matter how much he reassures me that he thinks I am beautiful, I just don't feel that way about myself. In my mind he deserves a woman that looks much better than I do with no clothes on. He doesn't know I feel this way precisely... although he will after he reads it today. I know he can probably guess that something is wrong from the lack of eye contact and vehemence, and that something is Me.

I'm uncomfortable with myself right now, whether I "look good" or whether everyone including my pre-pregnancy sized pants are lying to me (which is doubtful). That is what I must focus on changing. Not my waistline, not the way I dress, not my hair. ME. I want to be comfortable with myself again so that I can be a good body-image role model to Bernice and a good, happy wife to my husband.

At least it's good to know after thinking about this that the only thing that has changed the feeling of comfort in our relationship is Me. And I have the power to fix it. Now to find the strength...

For All the Mommies and the Daddies

Tonight I understand the ferocity of parental, and in my case, motherly love. I understand that any feelings that our parenting skills are being questioned are invoked within us by the differences between us. Any feelings that other parents' choices are made as a slight to us stems from differences in the infinite number of choices we all have to make everyday as parents. And all these feelings originate from the core feeling of anyone questioning that love. It can make the blood rise immediately.

But when we tuck our children in bed at night whether it is with you in your family bed, in a bassinet in your room, in his or her own crib in a separate room (with or without a bumper) don't we all hold onto them just a little longer before going to sleep ourselves? Don't we all try to consciously make a memory that we will never forget? Memories about how small our babies are, and how fast they are growing. Little details of the lines of their face. Such tiny fingers and toes. Each little hair on their heads.
If we all know that deep of love for our children I believe our differences can be celebrated instead of being used to criticize other parents. Lo! We all have found decisions we feel good about among the hundreds of choices which we all have to make. What could be better in the uncertain world of parenting than to feel good about how we're raising our own children?
Maybe we could understand each other and become curious rather than judgmental when we see those who have chosen differently than we have. Instead of taking it as a slight to you, feel good about your different decision you have made which works for your family and know that the parent in front of you feels that way about their own decision. Give a nod to them respectfully as a sort of "parental namaste:" The good parent within me sees the good parent within you.

In short: the Mommy Wars currently raging across the internet and in our communities make me cry. Breastfeeding, formula feeding. Disposables, cloth diapers. Vaccinations, no-Vaccinations. Intact boys, circumcised boys. Medicalized birth, un-medicated birth. All of it. It just needs to stop.
It just doesn't matter at the end of the day, and it's not part of that memory you make. What matters is the love we all know for our children. I hope we can all let that be enough to at least begin to let us relate to other parents, if not to love and understand them.

This is a tough job, folks. And if we're all doing our best, we're doing just great.

Bernice is 3 Months Old!

Yesterday Bernice turned 3 months. I don't know how the time flew by so quickly. I am so happy to see how she is growing and thriving.

I love her chubby little cheeks, roly poly thighs and the little "rubber band" wrists and ankles she has. I love that she loves elephants, AC/DC, being outside, and primary colors.
I love how she smiles when she stretches and wakes up or when Shawn talks to her. She even giggled for the first time out loud on Tuesday as I was swishing her bath water around to make sure it was a good temperature. I cried and laughed, too.
I am so excited for her to continue growing, learning and falling in love with life.

Overwhelmed... in a good way, mostly.

Time is going by so fast. I have so many thoughts running through my head; each one deserves its own blog post but I'm so overwhelmed by them all that I haven't been writing them out. I have one whole post in draft about how mothers both seek validation from other moms constantly via the internet, as well as about how parents outright shame other parents about their choices they make for their own children. It makes me sad and I don't do it because I would hate to have it done to me. We don't make choices for our child to slight anyone, we just do what we think is best for our child and I hope everyone else would do the same. No one will ever know enough about anyone else to make a choice for them and their family and anyone who thinks they would be able to is absurd. I do support and encourage that parents base their choices in research and scientific facts, especially when it comes to health choices. Basically, if they are informed choices I support any decision any parent makes for their child when it comes to things like circumcision, vaccines and what their kids eat and when they eat it.
We are all so similar that it baffles me why we waste time trying to separate ourselves from others by nitpicking our parenting styles and choices. I believe that no one is an expert on raising any child but they can be an expert at raising their own child. Shawn and I know Bernice like no one else and we consider ourselves Bernice-experts. If I ever offer advice (only when it is asked for) it is always from my own experience with her and I don't even know if it will be helpful or used and I don't expect it to be the end-all be-all of general parenting advice. Hell, my kid is only 3 months old. I don't know hardly anything yet, so the advice I have to offer when asked for it is already limited by that as well.
All I know is that I read everything, research everything, and thus know enough collectively that way along with my Bernice-knowledge to comfort myself when she has green poop, sneezes more often than usual, or cries for different reasons. If I'm still unsettled I call her doctor.
One piece of advice that is always good: go with your instincts. You have them for a reason and they're usually right.

I'm becoming a good mama bear. Like my dad said, "You're a mama-bear now. You're tough. If someone doesn't like it, tell them if they want something warm and fluffy to go hug a squirrel."

Evolution of the Belly

Here are photos of the belly as it grew along with Bernice. The first picture is from the day I found out and the last photo is from 5 days before she was born. They are in chronological order!

I have become... a Lactivist.

I am all for babies who aren't hungry.
I am for babies who are fed in any way their mothers see fit to feed them, whether it be from their breasts or from a bottle (with or without formula).
I see fit to feed my child with my breasts which make milk just for her, and I do it anywhere she happens to become hungry.

I tried nursing with a cover, especially when we first got started. Breastfeeding may be natural, but it sure as hell isn't easy for the first month or so, and we found comfort with a cover while we both fumbled and learned. She learned to latch right and I learned that breastfeeding is the most asexual experience I have ever had. There is nothing sexual about squashing your boob "like a hamburger" and helping your infant find her mouth's way to your body while you are dripping all over your shirt... on both sides. If you haven't experienced it, just trust me.

After the first 6 weeks it got easier to feed her, but the cover started to bother her, make her sweat, and unlatch due to discomfort. I thought she was pounding her little fists into my chest and yelling at my breast between latching and unlatching because the milk was coming out too fast/too slow, but it wasn't that at all: she was uncomfortable. And to be honest, I was too. A blanket slipping all over while an infant sucks zealously on a sensitive part of your body isn't comfortable for me.

Now that we have gotten the hang of breastfeeding, we love it. It's really easy and natural for us (we're fortunate to experience ease because of our great start at breastfeeding immediately after birth) and has become a no-fuss way to get her belly full. No more, no less.

I just want my baby to not be hungry.
I see fit to feed my baby anywhere we happen to be.
I see fit to breastfeed my child without a cover, unless I want one for my own comfort.
And I am tired of corporations, businesses and people ignorantly acting like breastfeeding is anything other than what I have described here.
It's not exclusively meant to be private; that implies that something is wrong about it and it should go unseen.
It does not need to be covered up; that implies that something is wrong about it and it should go unseen.
It does not need to be done in a bathroom; that is disgusting and implies that it is comparable to ridding your body of excrement.
Nursing in public is always necessary, and if you don't support it then you don't support breastfeeding. Babies get hungry outside of their own homes and need to eat. Mothers can't always pump for bottles because of the time it takes or because they don't have or can't afford a pump. It boggles my mind when ignorant people prefer to see a bottle's nipple in a baby's mouth rather than its mother's nipple in its mouth. A lot of breastfed babies won't even take a bottle. And why should they? A breastfed baby doesn't understand that society has sexualized its food source, but adults can understand. And they should. If you don't like it, look away, grow up and mind your own damn business. Because my kid is hungry and if I don't feed her (how cruel would that be?) she will cry. And then you'll have something else to bitch about.

So I'm going to feed my child as I see fit everywhere, every time.

Midwives' Log - Birthday

5-27-13
Feeling much better. No nausea or throwing up. Getting good rest.
3:00P started timing contractions. Irregular.
5:30P talked to midwife, had a break from 5:39 - 6:03 then kept having stronger contractions.
7:00P talked to midwife again. Irr contractions. c/o nerve pain running down inside part of leg.
8:00P talked to midwife - contractions still strong.
9:00P talked again w/ midwife - irr contractions, c/o round ligament pain. Pinkish show all day, had red streaking in mucus that night. Mom kept eating good all day, keeping it down.
9:15P midwife left, mom wanted them with her. Contractions getting stronger.
11:10P midwife arrived (primary)
Contractions strong, irr. Mom laying on. L side moaning through contractions.
11:17P baby is LOA? (fast check between contractions) FHT 148, heart tones down low.
11:19P mom up to bathroom - back to laying on R side. Eating apple between contractions.
11:46P contractions irr but stronger, lasting over a min.
11:53P up to walk hallway some
"I feel like I'm going crazy because it hurts so much." "don't touch me."
11:56P going to go to bathroom. Baby looks lower when up walking - contractions 2mins
5-28-13
12:05A kneeling. "I feel so tired from these but they're too close for me to sleep."
Mom does not want to move during contractions.
12:14A second midwife arrived
12:15A FHT 132 by doppler
12:34A walking hallway "I don't want to be still right now at all." drinking water. Contractions irr - lots of pressure.
12:39A went to bathroom. Bloody show slight.
12:40A into tub. "feeling better."
12:51A "every time I don't think it could hurt worse it does."
12:54A nausea
12:57A belching
1:00A kind of emotional
1:02A vomiting
1:05A FHT 160 by doppler
1:06A out of tub
1:08A lie down on L side
1:12A contractions much stronger, not as close
1:23A nausea
1:24A strong contraction -overwhelming. Moved to kneeling "oh my God"
1:45A up to urinate
Contractions have been irregular ~2-8min
1:48A walking
2:10A going to lie down
2:20A FHT 128 by doppler
2:30A kneeling over pillows on bed
2:32A taking a shower
2:55A out of shower
3:00A rectal pressure, trying to move bowels; feeling a little "pushy"
Bloody show. Moved bowels a little.
Contractions 3min
3:10A changing positions frequently
Trying to rest
3:23A FHT 124 by doppler
3:25 TENS unit applied
3:31A dry heaves
3:36A up walking. Does not want to be touched during contractions.
4:05A light pushing urge
4:10 pelvic by request
Cervix more forward. Softer except for scar tissue. Baby is lower, effaced more. 4:26A pelvic station +2 w/ contraction
Cervix is 8cm. Pulled cervix forward putting pressure on scar tissue
4:36A cervix is 9cm. Now baby is asinclytic.
4:48A 1st push directed
Edge of cervix on R side.
4:50A
5:09A FHT 124 by doppler
5:19A waters broke clear
5:28A FHT 108 by doppler
5:31A FHT 112 by doppler
5:44A moved to kneeling
5:48A emotional from pain
5:51A squatting through contractions
Pushing up edge of cervical lip manually.
6:00A FHT - under 100 told mom to bring it up
6:05A ginseng royal jelly 10cc given -sm edge of cervical lip on L side
Breathing through contractions
6:17A FHT 140 by doppler
6:18A passed some meconium
Pushing with contractions. Strong pushes able to see baby's head.
6:45A FHT by doppler 120+
Baby's head able to be seen on perineum.
6:52A mom felt baby's head
7:23A FHT 120 by doppler. Sped up at mom's command.
7:32A 1st crowning
7:34A head out
7:35A It's a girl!!! Over intact perineum, lots of thick meconium.
Wt 7lbs 7oz. Apgar 1min:9 ,5min:9
Length 20 1/4"
7:48A cord stopped pulsing. Clamped. Cut by father.

TMI: The real birth story... with pictures.

If you don't want to see a normal looking newborn baby (read: purple, wrinkly and covered in goo) go to this version of my birth story. If you're down with the goo, read on. Even though there are pictures, it's nothing truly graphic as the photos were taken from behind me over my shoulder. I'm quite excited to share them, actually.
There is also quite a bit more detail so it's longer and more tedious. Beware! LOL

Yesterday would have been my first day back to work...

I completely forgot. I woke up with Shawn, got B and I ready for her 2-month checkup (already!!!), and then we left shortly after that. She checked out great: she weighs 11 pounds, 3.9 ounces; measures 23 inches long; and her head has grown to a 15.75 inch circumference to fit her rapidly growing brain. I swear she said "Hi" yesterday, too.
After that we went to Target, then to a local coffee shop near Shawn's work to kill an hour until it was time for his lunch break. We visited him on lunch and then went home where B and I did some yoga and meditation for over 2 hours... OK, she napped for a large part of that, but she still took part.

Shawn came home after work and we had Mexican food for dinner, then we all meditated in bed until we drifted off to sleep. I woke up this morning and B was still sleeping so I took a shower, did a yoga flow and meditation, and went back to sleep. I woke up after having some CRAZY dreams, talked to Shawn on his morning break, called my mom and then got dressed. B started to stretch and stir so I changed her and she woke up fully, all smiley and full of little baby noises. We picked out her outfit for the day and then we were both ready. She swung in her bunny swing a bit while I finished my makeup and here we are: she's passed out in her boppy and I'm writing about losing the feeling of forgetting something.

I forgot that yesterday would have been my first day back to work after Maternity Leave.

There is no way in hell B would have been ready for that. She is still attached to my boobs every couple of hours and she won't even take a pacifier let alone a bottle. She eats even more often when she has a growth spurt (which she is due for in another week AGAIN), so I just don't know how that would have worked everyday for her.

So far I do not miss work. I'm plenty busy at home with Bernice and I even got a couple of daycare kids starting after this week is over, so I guess I have a job actually. I'm also trying to do something everyday that will make money whether it's posting ads to craigslist about personal chef services, sewing monkeys/crochet stuff, or updating my HiLLjO sites. Little trickles of money find their ways to me and it's making a difference for me. So it's official: I'm a work-at-home mom.

It's all working out. It always does.

Happy Place

Years ago I had a really hard time dealing with my PTSD and anxiety. I still have a touch of it, especially when I'm tired. I have learned to manage it well over the years without medication by meditating and surrounding myself with love. Before then, Shawn was my only Happy Place and he could quell the worst of my anxiety episodes. My throat would tighten, my breathing would hasten, and I might have fainted or cried uncontrollably. He would just hold me and remind me to breathe; I now know he was probably scared or freaked out but he never let me see that. He was strong for me and got me through each trial. On one of our trips together I found a Carnelian crystal that reminded me of him and I had him wear it while we were together. When we would separate for work or other events where we couldn't be together I would take it with me and wear it. The crystal somehow helped me pull it together if I had an episode while I was out of his reach. It really comforted me and made me feel better.

Now I find myself much stronger, especially after birthing B, but like I said: sometimes when I am tired (like today) the crying spells and anxiety rear themselves up. Since Shawn has gone back to work the feeling of real life has resumed and my baby-induced state of bliss has a tinge of monotony added back into it. The stress of bills; the search for income in unconventional ways; and simply missing each other after 6 weeks of nonstop time together as a new family after B came to stay Earthside signals that reality has set back in. Harsh reality.
It's hard to watch and to let him go in the morning knowing he hates his job and hates to leave us. His boss is a bad man and runs his company without ethics, all while appearing to be successful.While we wave goodbye and shout our "loveyous" through the screen door I watch as he drives away.  It is hard to remember I am strong as the car gets further and further away. I feel my heart break while my tears rise up through my throat, nose, and finally my eyes.

Then I look down at B. So tiny in my arms. She is our reminder from Jah that everything will be alright. It has been every other time when it seemed hard or even downright impossible to make it through, and yet here we are. She is my little Carnelian crystal; my little piece of Shawn who is around even when he is not physically with us. Except unlike that crystal she truly is a piece of him, as well as a piece of me. She is the best of both of us and she inspires me to hold myself to a higher standard of being. She inspires strength in me. And while Shawn is away at work for us, she keeps his spot warm in the Happy Place which we all find again when we hear the key turn in the lock upon his arrival back from work. The Happy Place where we all wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings as a family snuggled up in our bed.

I can't wait for 5:30... especially today. I want to go to my Happy Place.

Maternity Photos by Shawn Finley - High Tension Photography

I wish I had gotten my photos taken at 30 weeks; my belly was large, I felt good and I still looked good. After that point in my pregnancy I just started to blow up and look, well, huge!
I am glad I let my guard down enough to still let Shawn take photos a mere 12 days before B was born. I know we'll treasure these images forever even though it was hard to have photos taken when I thought I looked like a big puffy pregnant blowfish. I don't think I look so bad in them now but at the time I cried between outfit changes when we reviewed the images!

 

 

 

 

 

Wife. Mother. WOMAN.

I find myself in a new place in which I have only dreamed I would be one day. I am no longer jealous; I have discovered I am exactly as I need to be and there is no point in comparing myself with anyone else. I lift up other women who once inspired a sense of lacking within me: women with their own businesses, women who are engaged, women with babies, women who are beautiful. They who are happy and seem to have it all.
Through hard work, growth and the long process of opening my heart I have become one of those women, and I have most importantly become a Woman in my own sense.
I am not happy because of any possessions I own, nor because I seem to have gotten everything I want. I am happy because I have realized I want everything that I have. I have also healed in such a way that only time marked in years could fit the place of my scars.
I am so happy being a wife to a wonderful husband who might as well be punching in and taking breaks to the sound of a steam whistle in hell, just to support his family.
I am so happy being a mother to the most beautiful child I could have dreamed of growing and birthing and feeding with my own body.
I am most happy being the kind of woman who is happy with herself and thus every gift she has been given. I am a woman of my own faith and I am to be loved.

I am happy. I am finally a Woman.

6 Weeks - Changes

Summer is half over already and our family of three is already facing changes and turning points.
Shawn returned to work yesterday after 6 blissful weeks of togetherness. It was rough; don't ask for details. Our time as a new family unit had a beautiful start and lots of memories were made.
Today the baby is 6 weeks old and that blows my mind. I feel like I was just pregnant with her and now I'm already having my postpartum checkup. Everything checked out OK and I'm ready to continue yoga and running, among other things. I feel much more normal and "myself" physically, too. The post-delivery bleeding stopped about 10 days ago, my belly is much less squishy, and my linea negra is fading, fading, fading. I wonder how long it will take until it is completely gone. I'm only 10-15 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight and about one pant-size larger than my regular, comfortable pants. I'm coming along but I need to be patient and kind to myself; this new body has served me very well and has done a miraculous thing.

Baby is doing great at 6 weeks, weighing 10lb 10oz. She almost fills out 3 month clothing! We're really enjoying watching her grow. We love her so much!!!

Spinach Chicken Salad

Last week I put together a very easy, very yummy fresh spinach salad that was quick and easy enough to make, even as a busy new mommy.

You'll need:
Big handful of Organic baby spinach
1 grilled chicken breast, sliced
1/3 cup chopped baby bella mushrooms 2 pieces uncured bacon, crumbled
2 Tbsp Pecan pieces
1 Tbsp Feta crumbs

Top spinach with all ingredients above and add your favorite dressing! I used Italian but this salad has such a good base flavor that any dressing compliments it very well.

Mama's Still Got It

Before Bernice arrived I assured myself that I would have some time to be creative; after all, the baby sleeps sometimes.
Luckily Bernice is totally ok with this plan because I have gotten a hand-embroidered bookmark, a crochet phone cozy and 2 tote bags with hand-embroidered "grandma" tags on them done since she has been born. Now Bernice is sleeping again but this time I'm making something for her: a little ruffly summer dress. I knew I was holding onto that yellow gingham for something very pertinent for the last couple years. :o)

Looooud Noises!

I have never liked babies as much as I like my own kid.
She is terrific and makes me relate to and like other kids so much more.
Of course I love children enough to have one of my own but there was always a streak of expectation while I was holding a baby that the child would be put-off by something I would inevitably do: laugh or sneeze.
My volume level naturally is about an 8 so my sneezes and sudden laughter is quite loud as well. I can't help it. But babies don't like these noises that I make, they cry after I make them, and then I want to cry because I didn't mean to frighten them.
Well, my baby doesn't care. She has been toted around in my womb long enough to be desensitized by my sneezes and guffaws so much so that she doesn't even flinch at the most sudden and powerful of my sneezes. She might just yawn and continue to look around, or if she is sleeping she continues to sleep some more.
She knows me. Like no other baby. It makes me feel good in a small but very important way.

Loving This Baby is Terrifying

Shawn and I were staring at Bernice a couple days ago and we briefly discussed how much we love this tiny baby.
"Her whole body is the size of my hand... She is so tiny," he marveled.

"I know. I've never been responsible for anything like this," I started, "it's terrifying."

It really is scary being responsible for a newborn. It's also scary how much you can love something so small and vulnerable. So much could happen... The worry of pregnant-me has turned into maternal-worry over the frailty attached to my infant's mortality. Dogs scare me especially; all animals, with their self-unaware nature and lack of understanding that this baby could be very injured if stepped on even briefly, scare me right now.
There is a reason that babies are made with partially-formed skulls and lots of fat rolls: they are built to thrive and grow while Earthside.
I must rely on my faith now just like I did while pregnant; Jah watches her while we can't (like when we sleep) and does a far better job than I ever could.

So for now I will enjoy this sweet, brief moment for which my baby is as small as she will ever be again, and just be here. Present. No camera can capture this feeling; it is something I will just remember as long as I am given time to remember.

Mama's Status

My baby is 2 weeks old today. Time goes by twice as fast as it used to.

A few readers have asked how I am and how I'm adjusting to life as mama. I'm doing really well. I have never felt more balanced and at peace in my life.
Sure I have some baby blues where I get weepy here and there, especially when I'm tired or there are too many people near Bernice, but I don't have postpartum depression; I was very concerned about getting PPD because I have a past history of depression from when I was younger.
I communicate how I'm feeling every day to Shawn honestly so he can make sure I'm maintaining a healthy mindset, and although it is not "proven" to help, I had my placenta encapsulated and I take several capsules every day to help replace the hormones I lost gradually. I notice a difference when I don't take them so I stay on top of my doses to stay feeling more normal.

My body is bouncing back well; I'm really happy with how I look so early after baby. I wear my maternity pants and leggings still, but for 2 weeks out I am going to let myself feel good about the way I look.

I feel beautiful, happy and so in love with my family. Life is so good.

Happy 2 Year Anniversary!

Last year on our first wedding anniversary we went back to the spot we were married and visited the festival that goes on every year on the same weekend. We walked around and had a funnel cake, reminiscing a little about the year gone by.
We repeated the tradition yesterday with a funnel cake again, but this year our baby joined us for the walk. We will definitely do this next year!

Happy Anniversary, Shawn! I love you.

Déja Vu

coma berenices

Coma Berenices is a constellation that translates to "Bernice's Hair" <http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coma_Berenices>

I know when I blogged about my heartburn during pregnancy I mentioned the old wives' tale about your baby having hair if you are afflicted with the discomfort of heartburn.
Turns out, for me, it was right.

She has daddy's hair! Look at that whorl. Beautiful.

Bernice is Here

Last week, about 45 minutes from this time, my contractions for real, actual labor started.
I denied them for 6 hours, going grocery shopping (last burst of nesting) while breathing through them in intervals, chatting at checkout and telling the lady I thought I might be in labor, going home and cooking the spaghetti I later threw up during transition... Then I realized this might be real. The pain was different; bone-deep pain.
I labored through the night and started pushing with the birds' awaking outside around 5AM, and got Bernice to finally crown at around 7:32. I felt her head, said out loud "Come on baby! It's time! Come out!" and at 7:34 her head was out, followed by the rest of her at 7:35AM. Right at the foot of our bed.
Shawn caught her, handed her to me and we both saw she was a she (as we had suspected!) at the same time. She promptly proceeded to clear all the meconium she had in her bowels at that time all over me and the towel covering us. Ahhh first mommyhood poo experience.
Shawn and I took her in, she only made little cries as I tried to put her to breast so she was bulb-suctioned clear and she cried louder. Beautiful lung clearing cries!
Her cord stopped pulsing and Shawn cut it, then it was clamped. We were helped into the bath and cleaned up, then B was weighed and Shawn was shown how to dress and bundle her while I finished soaking.
We all got into bed and were given postpartum instructions and we took a nap. All 3 of us warm and safe and glowingly happy.
A few hours later we woke up and told everyone in our family, who were all teary and thrilled to hear it went just as we had hoped, prayed and dreamed for sooo long.

Thank you Jah.
Thank you birth people.

Thank you Shawn. You made me happier than I ever thought I could be again. We made a beautiful little girl.
Like we said: this just keeps getting better.

Happy Birthday, Bernice!

This morning at 7:35 AM we welcomed our daughter into the world after weeks of prodromal labor that stopped and started!
She is healthy and lovely with a great latch! I'm doing great as well; I got everything I prayed for, including no tearing. Faith worked for me.
I'll write up her birth story very soon and share it with you all since I'm not doing much this week.
We are so happy and there is a hazily surreal feeling over us mixed with exhaustion. Best feeling in the world.

39 Weeks Pregnant

Now that baby is full term and could be born any day, I breathe one sigh of relief knowing its little noggin is cooked to this point shown in the picture. I was nervous to get to 37 weeks after beginning to dilate, but now that we know that doesn't apparently mean much to my impending labor I am really ecstatic to have made it to 39 weeks.

Baby's room is done, all the clothes are cleaned and are hanging in the closet. We even have the bassinet and bedside swing set up in our bedroom, sitting empty when we do not have to shoo a cat out of them. Sometimes I open the nursery door and just stare inside, wishing the baby were here. I think Shawn does that occasionally as well. We want this little wiggly creature in our arms.

Such a peculiar feeling is this: to be the closest I will ever be to our child while he or she is inside my warm, safe womb and yet, the strength with which I yearn to hold him or her in my angular, bony arms brings tears to my throat which well up in my eyes and burn.

Being pregnant is weird.

Halfway

Dr says I'm 5cm and she can't believe I'm not in labor yet!

Oh well. Grow baby grow!

38 Weeks Pregnant

I'm still here! Baby is not quite Earthside yet but I can feel that it's coming... Very soon!

Out of Office

The time has finally come for me to stop working full time.

I am SO ready. That's all I can say.
OK, that and the fact that I'm really suprised work didn't give me any crap for starting leave now or making the doctor put me on bedrest to do so.

I'll still be blogging here and there to update but it will look different than usual because I'll be blogging via mobile device at home. Stick with me! It's almost baby time!

37 Week Belly

I just realized this morning that I haven't taken a pregnant belly selfie in 5 weeks!

Sorry that Ava's blurry head is right next to the belly!

37 Weeks Pregnant... Full term + lots of updates

via Birth Without Fear

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. This is technically "full term" so if the baby was born any day like it wants to be, it wouldn't need any help to breathe! How wonderful! I still won't stop worrying about it being OK until it's out, though... then all new kinds of worry will replace that worry.

I am in pain.
My hips, back, and stomach muscles near my navel all hurt SO BAD. Especially when I get out of bed during the night (3+ times!) or in the morning. I have also started to have swelling pretty badly and the carpal tunnel I experience is aggravated by the pressure. Nevermind that I cannot wear shoes for any amount of time without lines indenting my feet.

Baby was/is breech... I'm not entirely convinced as to where s/he is... I feel hiccups in my left hip but it feels like a head and foot are under my ribs. I'd like an ultrasound to be sure; if it is breech I won't be staying home. I am too afraid of a breech delivery, but more scared for a c-section, so I'd try to birth naturally in the hospital with my wonderful Dr. Then I'd only be 20 minutes away at any time from being like, "OK, no... cut the baby out. I tried."
In the meantime we are trying all kinds of things like inversions, cold packs where the head is, and playing music/talking to baby down where the head should be. I was upset when I found out Monday after the midwives felt for the baby, but there's only so much I can do and everything happens for a reason. Everything will be alright even if it doesn't go as I wished it would.

I get checked again today; I really hope that doesn't spur labor to start with my sensitivity to cervical checks. We still have to finish the baby's curtains, install the carseat and do laundry!

The baby shower on Sunday was BEAUTIFUL!!! So many people came and gave our baby such nice things to welcome it into the world. It meant everything to have everyone there and it was very overwhelming in a wonderful way to feel how happy people are for us to welcome this wee one! My parents and family did a great job putting it together and it just made me a bit verklempt.

We're getting close... any day/night I could wake up and be in labor. I'm very excited.

Double TMI

Only because it's super gross is this labeled as TMI...

Baby Shower...s... blech.

Baby showers both suck and rock because of what they expose: true friends and points of... ahem, interest within family relationships. I am going out on a limb writing this article because it's going to piss off my family*, but I am pissed to the point of no return and this is my blog.
If someone reads it, they read it. I own my words and the responsibility of carrying them.

In the last weeks of my pregnancy the last thing I am concerned with is having a shower for our baby. I wish we'd held them a little earlier because I am huge, uncomfortable and apparently the baby could come any day. I'm also just so obsessed with going into labor and finally meeting our baby that I am in no condition to work, be social or to act aware of anything around me. I'm in the Zone. And the only cure is giving birth... not more cowbell as some may argue.

If I must take part in a late-term baby shower, and I must, I want it to be a happy, easy-going celebration full of family and friends who ask non-stop questions about the BABY and our future plans for him or her.
Unfortunately the shower has become a hub for passive agressiveness and behavior patterns which damage relationships and hurt feelings. And all of us are to blame.

I ask that any family who is reading this re-groups and centers themselves on the fact that we are all waiting for a BABY here, this should be a fun and exciting time. Our family is growing because of nothing more than the love within it. I also ask that we be mindful of each other's feelings during this time: exclusion is excruciatingly painful. "I didn't remember" doesn't soften the blow, either. This is a very intimate family event and an invite extended to the entire family and not just one side of it means the world to more people than you know. Your absence is also incredibly painful and speaks very loudly, whether what it says is accurate or not.

I ask that I be kept out of who-said-what updates and Facebook squabbles; I'm really focused on bringing the baby into the world the best way I can and I cannot do that with my insides feeling all scrambled up from the stress of this situation. It's not about the shower/s, it's about the emotional tone of our family we're setting for this wee one to be born into that is important. Baby will not care who bought what. I want to show them we all love each other, dammit. We all need to act like it more.

I need to hug people more. And I am going to try.


*family refers to the group of people we joined together with our marriage nearly 2 years ago throughout this post. All of them.

TMI...?

Before I share a bit of information with you that is very, very... weird(?) I want to warn you now that it's TMI and you might not even care. At all.

36 Weeks Pregnant

Baby is heavy. Almost 6 pounds now, nearly 20 inches. I can see practice breathing developing the last bits of baby lungs and I know all my cravings for shrimp (and other fatty fishies) are from that little brain getting bigger and more and more wrinkly. I think baby is almost done cooking.

My belly and hips are very sore, especially when I get out of bed (like in the morning or one of the 10 [not joking] times I got up to pee last night). Sometimes I can't move or walk until I rest on my hands and knees for a few minutes because the baby still moves and jams itself under my ribs occasionally.

I've started to not sleep as much and I'm a total space cadet; I just constantly am thinking about labor and the baby. I'm nearly always in a space where I feel "ready" to have labor start. I am excited and only a little bit scared... for everything. Like 99% excited and 1% scared... and I'd like to stay there.

Happy Birthday to Meeeeee!

I am 25 today!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, healthy and in love.

(25 years ago my mom was pregnant with ME!)

I could not ask for more, but the brownies and warm wishes I've gotten today is truly the icing on the cake. I hope the weekend gets here fast so we can celebrate properly!