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02 October 2013

The Fear

Mama Kitty is not a suitable babysitter...
I have spent a large portion of my life trying to validate my own feelings. I read dozens of psychology and medical journals and articles every week as though it were mandatory to research before feeling the way you feel about things in public. It's almost like training for a fight that might happen... it's just a verbal fight I prepare for.
This has become very apparent to me since becoming Bernice's mother.
I researched everything about having a baby and then everything about parenting so that I could do the best job possible and know that in my heart I am doing what is best for her and our family. So far that is working out great and she is a happy and healthy little peanut. I have loads of articles and journal pages under my belt to back up the choices we have made and how those fit into our family, but there is nothing I could read that would make me leave my baby before I am ready.
And that's just the way I feel.
Call it attachment parenting, Postpartum Depression, or plain old selfishness but I don't care: I am not ready to leave my baby. And that is that.

Reasons (that I collectively call "The Fear")I have scrounged for in order to validate myself feeling this way include: someone feeding her something other than milk (and/or her having an allergic reaction to that food/formula), her having to take a bottle when we are exclusively breastfeeding, something happening to her while we are away and not being told about it, a robbery happening somewhere she is staying, blah blah BLAH.
In any case, I have my reasons (which are mostly worst-case scenarios worked out in my head when I think about leaving her). I chalk this up to simply not being ready to leave her for any amount of time just yet. She is only going to be a baby for so long, if I want to "hog" her I will. I worked hard, puked hard, and pushed hard to grow and birth her and I'll do what I feel ready to do when I am ready to do it. No one has a "right" to her. She is a privilege to have as a child and anyone who is entrusted to take care of her for the first time when we are ready to have a night out alone will understand that.
And besides, I'd love for Shawn to be the one she is left with if I must leave her so that he can have some one-on-one time with her. He is her father and that is important to establish.

But for now I am not ready to leave Bernice with anyone (except Shawn) for any amount of time.
It's just how I feel.

3 comments:

Unknown said...Reply to comment

I feel the EXACT same way... I love having D as her caretaker during my workdays. People keep asking if I have found a sitter yet to have some "us" time... this is US time. Even my closest, dearest friends I don't want to leave him with. It's not an insult to them, it's just how I feel... it may be many years before I am ready, and I am ok with that too :) hugs

Heather said...Reply to comment

I think a lot of moms feel this same way. As long as you're doing what's right for you and your family, it's all good!

JustMe said...Reply to comment

Good for you. You deserve to feel how you feel and I'm sure most moms feel exactly the same way. Keep taking care of her as only you know how. It will get easier with time... I'm sure?

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Thank you for coming by to read my experiences as a wife and what came before it, as well. My husband Shawn and I were married June 10, 2011 in Omaha, NE! I enjoy sharing my stories and hearing other people's stories so please feel free to share any in the comments (especially dress stories!). I LOVE comments!

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