You Can't Always Get What You Want...

I realized a great many things this weekend, and then this morning as I began to incorporate them into myself, I received a phone call from the Doctor. It has only been 3 days since my appointment. But, yes.

My yes has come.

Yes, I am healthy enough to have a baby now.

I have no more cysts, no more precancerous cells and no more CIN1. I can have a baby!

I had immense faith that I would heal, but I didn't know if it would be "on time..." On my time is what I should say. I hardly ever get what I want when I want it. I either require growth, time, or both when they are one and the same. As soon as I want something I start to work towards it only for me to be set back waiting, waiting, waiting. This time is different, at this stage anyway.

I was running out of my Pill and I had no prescription. The doctor had me on some different than my old kind to see if it would help the cyst shrink before surgery. Now they are gone, and I have gotten this call.

Meant to be? Maybe. Feels that way...

Is it bad that I'm now way more excited about the Offbeat Mama meetup that I can be one?

Is it bad I can't stop happycrying? If it is, I don't care. I can't help that one!

Word

KRAMER: Do you ever yearn?
GEORGE: Yearn? Do I yearn?
KRAMER: I yearn.
GEORGE: You yearn.
KRAMER: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
GEORGE: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.
KRAMER (in disgust): Look at you.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #17

Happy, happy Friday to you!

After being in Chicago last week I'm glad to be back in the swing of our routine. Here's the Friday post that is long overdue!

Today I love me because:

1. I haven't heard anything about the job I want but I'm staying positive.
2. If I don't make an interview or if I interview and don't get chosen, I am going headfirst into Mama-mode by sewing cloth diapers and making clothes.
3. I write to my congressmen and -women often. And the President, too.
4. I've been making a lot of good food choices lately.
5. I have been a lot less hard on myself lately. Still not perfect, but who is?
6. I'm hosting an Offbeat Mama meetup here in Omaha next month with a local gal.

I really love Shawn, too. I mean, he planned a trip, saved the money for it, and put together care for the animals on his own just for my birthday. He had this planned for months and I didn't know. In honor of the trip I will be featuring some extra posts next week about our CTA adventures and such. Have a great, safe weekend!

Fantasy Closet 4/26/12

Fantasy Closet 4/26/12 by hilljo featuring long sleeve tops

Future Baby is included on this one. I had a follow-up appointment at the Doctor's today to see if I am healthy enough to get pregnant now after healing from surgery. Paps aren't fun but I got through it and now we wait for 5 days on results. Pray/Hope/Meditate for me!!!

Love.

My Birthday

Thanks to blogger (for some reason!!!) my scheduled posts did not publish so you all missed out on me raving and being a wildly crazy HiLLjO on my birthday. Yesterday I turned 24!

I felt like crap with a migraine most of the day but after dinner time I felt better and we were even able to go out to dinner at a new Mexican place. After that Shawn bought me a big piece my favorite kind of cake from a local bakery and we went home.

Over the weekend Shawn pulled a Calgon Moment and took me the eff away. He is the best husband to me!!! I now know the meaning of being whisked off your feet! He had me pack stylish clothes for both warm and cool weather on Friday, all the while I begged to know why... and he refused. We took the pug to his parents' house that night so they could watch her and they all knew where we were going except me! My mom was sending me cryptic texts to pack for Paris, bring sexy dresses, etc. I was nervous I wasn't packed well enough so I kept packing and packing. By the time we had packed and gotten ready I had been told we were going to Denver, Paris, Chicago and maybe even Kansas City. Oh, and Minnesota. I was... confused.
Shawn woke us up at 6AM on SATURDAY morning to leave. I wore pajamas and we headed down the road, me dozing off and on. I woke up when we were in Iowa and asked where we were going (again) but I was given no genuine clues. The exits started to be labeled "Minneapolis, Chicago, Kansas City" and I asked point-blankly if Chicago was our destination, Shawn said "No." I was dissapointed; I love Chicago!!! About 200 miles later I lead him through a distracting discussion that lead him to divulge the destination on accident: (I was happy) Chicago!
Once we arrived, Shawn drove us to a motel DOWNTOWN! He got us there, made arrangements for the animals, and booked a room on his own JUST FOR ME. We spent Saturday, Sunday and Monday there, arriving back in Omaha around 2AM on my birthday yesterday morning. It. Was. Great.



Driving into the City



Wrigley Field!

Us in front of Wrigley

 

THE BEAN (see the skyline?!)

 

Millenium Park



Going to the Shedd Aquarium on Lake Michigan

 

Curly anemone appendages at the Shedd



Hard Rock Cafe Chicago

 We went to Chinatown there, too and we picked up a Maneki Neko. I have been looking for one forever!!! They remind us of Mama Kitty, they're cute, and they're "good luck." We did so many things while we were there! Have you ever gone?!

Hubby is my Favorite

He stole me (in the early ass morning) away to one of my most favorite places in the whole world...

Happy Birthday, Peach!

My baby is growing up! She is 1 year old today, or 7 dog-years.

We will celebrate with wet food, a walk and sleeping in mommy and daddy's big bed tonight.

She's so cute!

SO Nervous! ...Kind of.

So tomorrow is the big day: my "Design Test."

It will determine if I am proficient in Adobe Illustrator and hand drawing, and will also determine whether I get an actual interview for this job. In any case, even if I fail horribly (not likely), I still have a job after the dust settles... and I could try again. So I'm trying to just be positive-nervous instead of negative-nervous by having faith in my badassedness and my mad drawing skills. I have been watching YouTube for Illustrator tutorials all of lastnight and into today, and my confidence is growing.
Besides, they have 2 postitions open that they need to fill; Why would they not want me to succeed and fill that spot?  I could be that person for them! Their search could be over with me!!!

My mantra: *Just Believe*

Wish me luck.

Dreams and Progress Finally Meet

Two weeks ago I was nervous waiting for something to happen. Last week I learned it wasn't OFW, thank goodness. But this week it has presented itself as to what it is: that job I want.

And, I had another dream. Yes, my crazy dreams!!!

This time I had left my ferret in the charge of someone I don't recall, and they lost her. I went outside to find her coming out of the storm drain/gutter, just fine.

Noni (the ferret) has made appearances in my dreams before representing (to myself) my tendency to be emotionally "split." Since I've had the last Noni dream, I have fallen in love with myself and embraced self-honesty, so no doubt her healthy appearance in the dream symbolizes the healthy self-guided changes I have made and the struggles I worked through.

Dream Moods helped me with the gutter bit and the finding Noni coming out of it bit:

Gutter
...To find valuables in the gutter in your dream suggest that you can find value in the least expected of places. Do not undervalue or underestimate things.

Found

To dream that you found someone indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction. The dream may also be a metaphor for finding yourself.

So putting this dream together with my airplane dream from two weeks ago, I would say that all the hard work I have done in the last year to get myself to where I am now is putting me in a very good place in the public eye, possibly in a new status (job?) that is elevated. I will not underestimate the value of my self-honesty through the process on which I'm about to embark: if I am not ready, it is a "not yet," not a "no." And I'll look inward to improve.

If I am ready, and it's a "yes," anyone in my way had better look out.

But in both cases, I have an official test this Thursday to evaluate my drawing skills before my interview. Wish me luck!

I am finally back to my sparkly self I once was, and never thought I would be again.

And this time around I am even more fabulous because not only am I a rockstar but because this time I am aware, too.

MOTHERHOOD is NOT MISOGYNY, HILARY ROSEN

"The One that got away..."

Damn near everything in our marriage is equal... Except levels of dating experience.
I have had more relationships, but I can tell you more isn't "better." It just is what it is.

I often wonder if Shawn thinks about my past at all and if I have a "one that got away."
Well, no, I do not. Absolutely not.

I was treated very badly by all the boys I dated in the past (abused, even), and I can honestly say I have truly achieved the opposite feeling of love for every single one of them: not hate, but ambivalence.
Hate means you still care. Ambivalence says I don't care.
I care for damn near everything, but I just equally don't give a shit concern myself whether they are ALL alive or dead. Either way, I really would not care. I would not cry, I would not be happy.
I just wouldn't care.

They, to me, are now simply "Somebody that I used to Know."
Minus the part where I still care so much that I write a song about any of them... That song is acutally about me and how I treated all those pieces boys after breaking up. lol

The Best Bad News Ever

Yesterday I gave myself a stress headache from subconciously clenching my jaw over and over.
The culprit? "Would I have to do OFW?" stress.

I touched on not wanting to present at OFW last week and have been tossing, turning and rolling in bed for the past 32 days while my designer application floated out in space waiting for April 11. My body has already decided the stress from OFW was not the good kind that I can thrive on. Luckily today happens to be April 11th and I got an answer. A big, fat answer...

RAWRRRR, Pinners!!!

After not logging onto Pinterest for nearly months, I vow possibly to NEVER go back.

Ohh, teh pins.

The weight loss motivation that gives every reason to lose weight EXCEPT for being healthy and strong.

The millions of pretty, yet insignificant and make-believe homes and renovations that say nothing about the character of the people who call the space home. The lovely, very expensive homes and renovations that do not make us champion our own spaces we call home; they only serve to steal joy via comparison.

The women... the beautiful, perfect, PHOTOSHOPPED-ER THAN HELL "women," who we also compare to our own likenesses, which invoke feelings of lack and perpetual never-measure-up-ness.

And amidst the pins are actual gems of awareness, consciousness, Truth even.

Do these get pinned? Repinned? HELL NO?!

WHY, WHY DON'T YOU CARE, PINNERS?!

You give the testimony that you don't care dog food is made of rendered animals that found their ends with disease, euthanizing at the shelter, or being "4 D" cattle by instead pinning a lovely little wedding bouquet onto your FREAKING PRETEND wedding board!

You don't care that 1 in 112 children (and counting) now have autism... you'd rather pin a freaking nutella recipe that will just make you feel guilty 2 pins later--when you see a skinny bitch that makes you jealous-- not the pin of a starving African baby you passed up.

The people on Pinterest with effed up priorities scare me. Last time I checked my house is amazing just the way it is, I'm effing gorgeous just the way I am, and my heart knows what needs its attention most.

Calling All Beach Brides!

Are you having a destination wedding somewhere tropical? Having a local beach wedding? If your upcoming nuptials have a beach theme, then enter to Win this Resin Shell Guestbook!

This guest book has 50 lined, double-sided pages, and features a 3" heart-shaped opening for a picture of the couple! The book itself measures 8" by 6."
I do have a matching pen holder! You just need your own pen.

To enter:

1 entry - Leave a comment below telling about your beach wedding!

Bonus Entry

+1 entry - Follow me on Pinterest and tell me with a comment here!

+1 entry - Follow this blog and tell me with a comment here!

+1 entry - Re-blog, tweet , or Facebook this and leave a comment per each method you used to share!

Giveaway Ends: 05/28/2012



HOPPY EASTER!

From the Puggy Bunny!!!

*Peach is not related to this specimen.

It's almost Easter!!! Take a PEEP...

it's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #16

I love me today because:

1. I'm not only an honest person, but now I'm honest with myself.
2. I take a bajillion photos of the animals...they're all so cute.
3. Whether I have a religion or not, I have faith and hope that everything is for the best.
4. I'm a rockstar.
5. I finally applied to the position I have wanted at work since I started here almost 3 years ago!
6. I made grown-up dinner reservations last night for tonight!
7. I can wear pants again! Whenever I want! See, surgery? You are SO OVER.
8. I have been in love with me for the first time in a long time for 4 months! I call that something.

Have a great weekend and Hoppy Easter!

Fantasy Closet 04/05/12

Fantasy Closet 04/05/12 by hilljo featuring a tarte mascara

 

My shirt is a black artbook table of contents tank top but this is pretty close! I wish I had Peach with me and this song will NOT leave my head!!! LOVE!

What I think of "For the Best"

Whether you are religious or not, to accept an outcome from any situation is a matter of faith. If you choose to be a positive person, these outcomes would be "for the best."

Then why do bad things happen to good people?

Because whether we understand why or not, it is "for the best."
I believe that the Universe/God/Jah/Karma/etc... has a definite order to the series of events playing out in our lives and how they are supposed to click into place with one another. I have faith in that.
So in our limited scope of human knowledge of the Universe, it is a matter of choice and of faith to be positive and to know that whatever happens to us is for the best. Even if we don't understand why.

Everything is always as it should be. Everything happens for a reason. I trust in that.

My Kids are CUTE! ...and furry.

I have been backing up my phone for the last week to swap out my old cell phone for a newer one. I have been emailing myself pictures of the animals and I think I should share...

Hope you like!

Airplane dreams and nervous honesty.

Good morning and happy Monday once again.

On Friday I mentioned that I felt like I didn't want to do fashion week anymore... well, yes and no.
No, I am not looking forward to the time away from Shawn that this will require.
Yes, I can do this.
When I lie to myself I tell me "You don't want that anymore..." when I, in fact, do want something. It's just a defense mechanism I have to protect myself from rough paths, whether they're worth the journey or not. So this weekend when I had a dream that I was afraid to get on an airplane with Shawn, I had a lucid moment in the dream where I just told myself "Just do it." I remember getting onto the plane and then I woke up.
I looked up the symbolism of Airplanes in dreams on dreammoods.com:

Airplanes
To see an airplane in your dream indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something. If the airplane is taking off, then it suggests that an idea or plan is about to "take off" and be put into action. It may also represent your need to get away and escape from your daily life.

So maybe this Fashion Week thing will be good for me... or maybe my subconscious is finalizing my self-confidence I just found in my future-mommy skills. In any case I finished the sketches of the outfits I committed to on my application for the show in case I get called for an interview by next week.
Wish me the best, no matter what that might mean...