Before becoming pregnant, I considered myself very spiritual. I meditated everyday and did a 20-minute yoga flow almost as often. I felt close to Jah and to everything around me I felt a deep, divine love.
Now that I am pregnant, and very-much so, this has become invaluable to me. My faith in Jah is the strongest it has ever been in my life. I believe it is because I came to it myself after many years of being raised to Believe in the "Western" way, calling Him by the names of God and Jesus in a church full of white people. Searching for, finding, and adapting what feels right regarding my faith has taken years, but it has enriched my soul to the point that I can feel Divine Love, as I walk every step of every day, from its very source.
Jah is everywhere, and it's very apparent if you are looking. When I need comfort I often find traces of Him in nature and I am reminded I am never alone and never without Love and all the wonderful things that come with it, like protection.
Until a Quickie-Ultrasound machine comes out akin to the X-ray screens in cartoons where you stand behind it and can instantly see inside your body, you usually don't get to actually see your baby that often while you are pregnant. And if you haven't been able to feel baby move yet, the time between the first ultrasound and the next/last seems like an eternity and can be filled with worry for expecting mamas. Sometimes all you have to go on is the idea that unless something is really wrong, everything is probably fine. Probably. That is where Jah came in for me. I have been so ill this entire pregnancy that I worried and worried until one day I realized that He is protecting our baby better than I could ever hope to do on my own, and I lifted her up to Him. I prayed aloud for Jah to please hold her in his hands and keep her safe, and to quiet my heart in the knowledge that it is done and had been even before I asked.
Now our baby is viable, could be born at anytime in the next 8 weeks and most likely survive with the aid of medical attention in a hospital. I pray the baby cooks for longer and that this doesn't happen, too, but everything would be alright. So how do I need Jah now? I need Jah for myself. He needs me to listen right now.
At 20 weeks my home birth midwife was served with a warrant in my state and could no longer cross the state line for her own safety and well-being. I was devastated. I had only ever dreamed I would give birth at home, surrounded by my animals and being helped by my husband, doula and midwife. All of that was... gone. I dropped to my knees in desperation and prayed out at that moment for Jah to calm me and to show me, if it was His will, a midwife who would be able to support us for a home birth. This was 8 weeks ago.
She came over Monday. She's lovely and experienced, having worked in the field for over 6 years under the Midwife I originally had planned for our birth.
And I didn't feel how I thought I would feel. She feels better than the birth center, but I wasn't ready to jump in with paperwork and the whole shebang with her quite yet. I had to think and pray.
I remembered praying for a home birth midwife to be provided if that was what we were supposed to have. I got her.
I remember denying myself the carnal desire of family because of the possibly rocky road ahead attempting to become pregnant just 15 months earlier. And I did get pregnant.
And here we are.
I've decided: we're going to have a home birth. Just like I prayed for and dreamt about all year. And I will not be afraid, because although I will always need Jah right now he needs me--to listen to Him and to maintain my faith in Him.
Every little thing is gonna be alright. It's Irie, even.
Stumble it!
