The last year.

I guess the title of this post has two meanings. The first: the last 365 days of my life. The second: the last 365 day of my life as I and everyone in it would know it.

I am gay.
I define myself as Queer.

Yes, my parents know. Yes, Shawn knows. Almost everyone I wanted to tell before I came out to the mass public has been told personally. If I didn't get the chance to call or tell you, I tried or wanted to. I just couldn't.

I'm ripping off the band-aid and putting it out there.
To answer some questions that have been posed to me and that you may find in your mind as you read this:

No, I "don't prefer dick anymore."
No, it is not hormones.
No, it's not because of anyone or anything that happened.
No, this is not a joke.
Yes, I am sure.
Yes, I have had experience to know I am sure. Even if I hadn't... how are you sure about your own sexual orientation? Yeah.

Yes, I know this hurts and changes my family forever.

But I cannot go on living as half of myself anymore. So many things make sense in hindsight and the relief of being honest outweighs the grief of the situation... most of the time. I am sorry for the pain this has caused those who love me and my family but I will never be sorry for who I am.

Shawn and I are separated and working toward a divorce, not that it's anyone's business. But I have nothing to hide, so there it is. We no longer have enough of what the other needs to keep our marriage going and I think it's responsible that we are honest about that with each other.
Our number one priority is our daughter and always will be.

The last 4 weeks have been the most vivid and difficult of my life. But I know one thing after living through a moon cycle of this new change:
I am fucking ALIVE.

In every sense of the word... I feel electric. I see signs everywhere from the universe that I have finally found the Path. My Path.

I take one day at a time now like I have always wanted to. I love myself in my entirety.
And someday it will all be okay.

I have never had to rely on others like I have before this last month or so, and I have found the true colors of the people I thought I knew. Some for the better, less for the worse. I know who loves me and how and how much. I have never felt so free in my life.

Any prayers and thoughts for my family and myself are appreciated.
Thank you for reading, if you did.

Love.

Happy Birthday to Meeeeee!

I am 25 today!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, healthy and in love.

(25 years ago my mom was pregnant with ME!)

I could not ask for more, but the brownies and warm wishes I've gotten today is truly the icing on the cake. I hope the weekend gets here fast so we can celebrate properly!

Green Crochet Zip Baby Hoodie by HiLLjO

I'm at it again.

This is the first zipper I've ever installed and it looks and works fabulously. I'm very proud!
The design came to me in one of my dreams where baby was a chunky-cheeked little blonde baby girl. I held her up and she smiled big at me (later I realized the baby looks like me when I smile big) with big, green eyes and she was wearing this hoodie. I doubted I'd ever find this hoodie so I made it.
FREE BLOCKED PATTERN IS HERE!!!
See all the crochet baby projects here!

Crochet Sleepy Owl Baby Cocoon and Hat by HiLLjO

Before we got pregnant I used to make a lot of things for other people with babies or for those waiting for their babies to be born but only made one thing for our own child that I wasn't even sure would fit. Luckily, I now know it will fit in the late winter after baby is born.
I ordered more yarn with each negative test, dreaming of the day I'd be able to pick up my hook and skeins armed with a due date, and thus a timeline of ages/sizes, with which to make our baby enough items to be draped in mommy-made crochet almost daily.
With the first trimester over in a mere 2 days, I have now only made one thing for our baby since getting pregnant. It's cute, I'll give you that, but it's ONE THING. I need to get busy...
If you would like the pattern for this cocoon/hat let me know, or you can just order one here!!!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!!! #39

What a week! It seemed long but now that it's Friday it feels like it went fast.
I am kind of giddy so today's list of tings I love are all over the place :o)

1. I love that I am gaining such a realistic point of view of my pregnancy as time goes on.
2. I love that I'm suprisingly enjoying my friends and family touching my slightly protruding bump. I thought I would hate it, but I love it! Especially when Shawn pats the baby goodnight.
3. I love how much I eat. It's hiiiiilarious to me; I have never eaten this much. I used to be the queen of forgetting to eat.
4. I'm drinking lots and lots of water again! YAY!
5. I love that my body when from Rh- to Rh+ so I don't need a Rhogam shot! YESSSS!!!
6. I have yoga'd everyday this week! WUTTT!!!
7. I haven't puked at ALL in 2 DAYS! YES! ON MY OWN!

Have a great weekend, everyone! Only 6 days until Thanksgiving!

PS: baby is the size of the apple in the photo above!!! CRAZY!

Every 4 Years



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 I'm sure I've done it many times, but this is the first time I have ever written it down.

Every 4 years I change--drastically, consciously. And then over the course of those years I grow into all the changes I make and I arrive--briefly. Then the realization of continuous change sets in and I begin to grow again. I'm like a quadrennial flower.

This time I am trying to grow into something that will help me to walk in the shoes that are too big now and will be too snug once again in 4 years: to stop being so hard on myself while I grow.
It is so frustrating to be where I am and to only want to be where I am going that I can get lost along the way in fits of harshness towards myself, "Why aren't you a better person yet?!"

Not this time. I'm going to enjoy growing up and up and have compassion for myself like I do for others. Then maybe the feeling of blossoming will come in whispers, and finally burst before briefly waning and beginning again.

I bought more yarn to help mend our broken hearts...

When I made the crochet baby hoodie I sized it for a 9-month old. I realize now that I may be hosed...  the biggest a baby born ASAP would be in December is 6 months. It's just made of the nicest yarn I had ever bought... so I just bought more.

I'm saving this business for when I know for sure how big the baby will be the December after he or she is in there for a while. Isn't it pretty?

"Sublime" for a girl. I just love this; it looks like cheshire cat fur.

"Sphere" for stripe A of a boy's sweater.
And "Summer Sky Heather" for stripe B.

Kind of excited... I can't lie.

In the meantime at work everyone around me is popping out babies or squeeing news of "I'm/My Wife is pregnant." I'm serious--I'm not being sensitive; check out all the hats I've made for people this month.

And I'm still working on a gajillion other projects! They keep me busy and happy.



Transformation Complete

I have done it.



I am me.



SO me.

I have wings.
I have bared my soul to my kindred spririt, Shawn.
I know in my heart more than I could ever learn from the outside.

And I am so happy.

I'm going on a blog-and-work staycation from now until Monday 8/20/12 for the rest of the two week wait. I hope to come back with good news; keep praying, hoping, meditating and colloiding that light you're making for me in the form of sticky baby thoughts.

Love to you all. Namaste.

More Dreams: Go with the flow

You know how I am with my dreams. They're very symbolic and very intertwined with my subconcious. I've dissected my dreams on the blog before, and now I have another one!

In April my subconcious was pointing out that I was starting to value myself again finally, even the parts that weren't "all there" yet. I was also starting to find myself but was held back by fear. Last night my dreams showed me that I have reached a turning point: it's time to go with the flow. I'm a happy person because I decide to be; I am making efforts everyday to connect and stay connected with people (especially my parents and Shawn); and that it's time to just relax and enjoy being alive with all that I have learned. Plus, it literally symbolizes that this cycle could be the winning cycle of this Summer's Baby Lottery!

My dream:

Shawn, myself and my parents were at a waterpark. We were on a waterslide in little leaf-shaped things, floating down the stream of water. I noticed that there were very small requiem sharks (sandbar sharks?) swimming in the water against the flow of the slide. I stood up, trying to jump in and stop them or to get out when my mom called out ahead of me in the stream that it was "OK. There's nothing to be afraid of." I decided to stay in the raft with/near Shawn and finished riding the waterslide and woke up.

From Dream Moods:

Water Park
To dream that you are in a water park indicates that you are expressing an emotional high point. You are feeling emotionally satisfied and fulfilled.

Waterslide
To dream that you are on or see a waterslide suggests that you are being carried away by your emotions. You are being engulfed by your subconscious. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are going with the flow of things without any objection or resistance.

 

Floating

To dream that you are floating in water suggests that you have a handle on your emotions.

 

Water
To see water in your dream symbolizes your subconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To hear running water in your dream denotes meditation and reflection. You are reflecting on your thoughts and emotions.

Shark
To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness.

Fish
To see fish swimming in your dream signifies insights from your subconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish represents insights which have been brought to the surface. Alternatively, a fish swimming in your dream may symbolize conception. Some women dream of swimming fish when they get pregnant.

Here's to no more overthinking... and a lot more enjoying.

If you don't like my blog, don't come read it.

Anyone who thinks I give two shits about how much you "know about me" from this blog is missing the point...

This is a personal blog. It's personal. It's all about me and how I feel and what I think.
If you don't like it, don't come read it. I'm not changing and this is a perfectly appropriate platform to say whatever I want because it is MINE. If you choose to take on bad karma and use anything "against me" you should know that I consider that your problem. I wouldn't put anything out there on the PUBLICK INTERNETS if I didn't want it to be known. Duh.
I'm choosing to live my ONE life openly: with an open heart, open mind and open mouth. If you have something to say about my innnermost thoughts and feelings, get your own blog and bitch away. I'll applaud from the sidelines.

Three things are for sure though: I don't judge; I don't care what you think; and I'm glad you're here if you want to be.


Rock and roll on.

Bobble Dots!

Yesterday I mentioned that the 2nd hoodie I have made for us to save is sized 8 months. I am making it with pink + gray ombre yarn and texturing it with little bobble polka dots.

I love how the variegated yarn kind of makes diagonal "stripes" across the pieces.

Mmm so cute!!! Even if we don't get lucky at baby lottery for another 2 months this would look great on a little gal in February, too. :o)

See what I did there?Yeh. Doin' well.

1, 2, 3... A, B, C

I am a machine!

Since becoming obsessed with my latest pattern creation 11 days ago, I have whipped out a total of 3 baby hoodies. I have been playing with resizing my original pattern which was sized 9 months.

The peach crochet baby hoodie below is for sale! It is sized for a newborn; very tiny. 

The purple hoodie is for a couple at work and it is sized for a newborn up to 11 pounds.

If you would like a baby or even adult sized one, email me or visit my etsy store!

The free version of the pattern is here if you'd like to go it on your own.

Crochet Baby Hoodie by HiLLjO

Last week I started (and finished) a crochet baby hoodie for our future firstborn. I was trying to hold out until I was actually pregnant to make it, but I could no longer resist that yarn!!!

The pocket opens in the top to stash a bottle, face wipe, or biter biscuit.

Yes, yes I did buy an entire hank of additional yarn to make just this pocket...

If you LOVE this hoodie, it is based off my FREE crochet baby hoodie pattern!If you would like one made for a friend, family member, or even yourself email me!

I even make them in grownup-people sizes!

 :o)

Constructive vs. Destructive

CAUTION: Post content briefly mentions "pee sticks" and ovulation.

The new moon came and went yesterday. This time of the month is a good time to "work in" what we have learned recently and to toss out that which does us no good.
Over the last month we have tossed out the boy baby names (sorry guys), the self-censorship that feels "safe," and the last bits of self-dishonesty I hope to incur. I also tossed out something that I haven't shared yet: OPK's. I wasn't sure what they would bring me, but I thougth they would help (or at least couldn't hurt). I thought I was being constructive.
OPK's look like home pregnancy tests (HPT's) but instead they indicate that ovulation is imminent (in 12-36 hours). Also unlike HPT's a line is not a line on OPK's: it must be a dark line to be "positive."

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After 8 days of trying these mo-fo's I have had it. These bishes [sic] are destructive to me.You'd think I was getting a negative HPT with every negative OPK. Some were darker than others, leading me down the road to the crazy-town where they wield rulers marked with millimeters and measure just what perecentage of the test line is as dark or darker than the control line. 50%? TEST AGAIN!!!
So none of that. I went home, went to my 24-packs of OPK's, and effing HID THEM from myself.

I proceeded to do yoga for almost an hour. Now that's constructive. I also went to fetch my yarn I sourced after designing future-baby a hoodie, and started the damn thing. I finished it, too. Constructive, also.

Should I get more yarn to make a pocket?

Yes. Yes, I should...



I felt guilty starting and finishing a project that I have only had on my plate for a little over a month when I have soooo many others to finish, but I had a block in my creativity from not letting myself make this. So all of you that have slippers, illustrations, and other goodies and bits coming to you: lo, I have not forgotten. Oh, no. It's just taking me FOREVAR. But one day you'll go to your mailbox and you'll be pleasantly surprised. Promise.

Let the Sun shine... Let the Sunshine In...

Last month I learned something valuable that I will share at risk of sounding very young... even though I am very young.


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A month ago today I shared that someone at my work's wife is suprise-pregnant... but I didn't share that this was announced the day after my first BFN (big fat negative)... Thursday night I was devastated, disappointed, sad, and so frustrated. I managed to pull myself together before work that next morning and continue on, sunflower upon my head and the skip in my step that is Friday. After that announcement I plunged back down to the place I had been. I didn't like it; I felt involuntarily miserable and thus more miserable.
After making it through most of the day I was finally at home, sulking to myself. One of my blog-sisters, Kim, emailed me to see how I was doing and I spilled the beans. I expected her to agree, to comiserate with me, and to tell me things I wanted to hear.  She didn't; she pissed me off.

She told me that she knows how frustrating it must be for me to be going through this in light of the announcement, but that I had to be happy for them.

WHAT?! But, but... ME!!! What about MEEEE?!

Her email continued, "the more joy you can let in your heart and less stress, the easier it will be to conceive."

WELL... hmm. Yeah... Maybe there's something to this...
So I thought about it. I examined where the pissed-off was coming from: me.
She doesn't know the people I work with; she knows and likes me. She wants to help me.
So I had to re-read the email with love in my heart. It sounded different in my head the second time.
"You know," I said to myself, "you'd want people to be happy for you."
True.
"So be happy for them; they're going to experience the joy of a child. This doesn't mean you won't..."

Also True. So instead of being negatively affected by the news, I chose to be happy and go towards all the feelings that ever make me sad/uncomfortable and get up close to them. Turns out that once you make that choice, to be happy, the negative feelings simply back down and fizzle; this last month has been the most joyous of my entire life.


Thanks for pissing me off, Kim. ;o)

Well, slap me and call me observant... and foodie.

via... why would I not use a picture of a baby for this?!


 Apparently the guest recipe post I wrote for Offbeat Home was published last night! I missed it! BAHHHHH... not observant yesterday. I wrote out a recipe for Guacamole and Homemade Baked Tortilla chips and it's good!

Other posts I've contributed:
Recipes
Quinoa Pilaf
Mooseloaf

How we decided to have babies
How and When in the Now

Transit!

Yesterday was a blast! Nia is so sweet and her parents are just bursting with pride and joy. For having held two very young babies in a short time, I must say although they are tiny, they are the only thing that seems bigger to me now that I am older. Everything else has "shrunk" (like Chuck E. Cheese's) compared to how I remember it except for babies. Odd, but it makes the fear of holding them cease!

After we left the hospital we went to the viewing area for the transit. We had a superb view of the Transit of Venus through several differnent telescopes, special goggles and with the projecting contraption above. It's so amazing to know how large Venus is considering how small this dot representing the planet looks. That just shows you how large the sun truly is (and how small we are)... it's nearly unfathomable. We will never see anything as huge in our lives, even in the United States where huge reigns. A lot of people showed up at the viewing site we went to and I was glad to see so much interest surrounding this rare event.
Here's a video about it:

Did you see it?

Smothered Chicken over Lime Cabbage

This morning I mentioned that dinner last night was really good. I want to share the recipe!

Chicken Smothered in Fajita Veggies with Lime-Cabbage
(Serves 4)
4 boneless, skinless chicken breast (frozen is fine)
1 bell pepper of any color
1 onion
1 jalapeno
1 clove garlic
1 tsp olive oil

3 cups shredded green cabbage
4 tsp olive oil
1 lime
salt and pepper
Avocado

Preheat the oven to 350F for the chicken. Heat a pan to medium-hi and add a tsp of olive oil. Dice the garlic and chop your veggies into strips or chunks, whichever you prefer. DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES!!! Add the veggies to the pan and saute until the edges get brown. Place the chicken in a roasting pan, top with the veggies and place in the preheated oven to cook (about 25 minutes).

Once the chicken is almost done, start preparing the cabbage. Roll the lime around on the counter under your palm to loosen the juice; cut in half and collect the juice. In a medium mixing bowl, add all the ingredients and stir well to coat evenly. Add a pile to each plate and top with the chicken and veggies, as well as some avocado slices. YOM!

Testing, Testing, Oh! It's on!

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It has come to my attention via Blog Stats that I am gaining traffic via Bloglovin's Facebook app. This, to me, is exciting--and frightening... my blog can get purtttty personal, sometimes borderline TMI. Although I'm very open, there's some people I just don't want sharing in this exciting time of our life... I've learned that there are people to not include.
So while I am concerned that people will not be respective of my privacy and will choose to share whatever news I have whenever I have some, I cannot change myself for those people. And that is just another reason they are missing out on how awesome our family is and will be; they'll only get to experience half of it, as I do not share my everyday life with them.

If you choose to include yourself in this journey starting officially (OMGZ!!!) tomorrow, welcome.
This is gonna be awesome.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #20

Happy Friday.

Today I love me because:

1. After a dark week, I'm back; happy and healthy and prepping for future baby some more.
2. I look like my mom :o)
3. I am re-examining what it means to be me, as I am about to change even more.
4. After the loss of a furbaby, I put my Mommy-in-Training pants on and kept on. I had to make cookies + tea and got. it. done.
5. People are having more difficulty finding their way under my skin anymore.

Have a nice weekend.