TMI Post #2: Late... Not the good kind.

If you're following along on the Baby Journey, you may know that at this time last month we were already in the two week wait before taking a pregnancy test.


Egg Timer

This month, we're still not quite there yet.

TMI Post #1: What "trying" means to Us.

Over the weekend following the Friday post several family members showed me their love by making their best attempts at making me feel better.

"don't stress."
"just relax."
"stop trying."

However, it should be noted that "don't stress" and "just relax" has never been good fertility advice and it never will be; it actually makes the person trying to conceive stress more and relax less. Besides, it's hurtful to be told "don't feel this way" when you are allowing yourself to feel however you want... feelings aren't wrong; only what you do with them can be. It would be much more gentle to simply ask, "how are you feeling?" than to assume I'm feeling upset, stressed, or anything else! I'd love the chance to discuss my feelings by starting the conversation with that question than starting from a defensive place because the way I feel has been assumed.
And the bit about "stop trying" doesn't sound as bad as it might seem: it's meant more like, "just let it happen."  But if you knew what our definition of "trying" was in the first place this might seem (and did for a minute) like a suggestion that we shouldn't have children at all.

So if you would like me to explain what we mean by "we're trying," click the link below to continue after the jump.

TTC Adventure #2: The Two Week Wait

Here we are, damn-near smack in the middle of something people charting/trying to conceive call the "Two Week Wait" "2WW" or "hell."
All month you wait to release an egg, then the rest of the month you wait to pee on a stick. What's the big deal? It's 2 weeks right? WRONG. During this time, some women get a little--crazed. I could almost be included in that if I weren't keeping myself so darn Zen constantly and dismissing any creeping negative thoughts. Learning about fertility astrology to keep myself entertained in a proactive-feeling way helps... that and chart-staring (NOT).

"WHY WON'T THE SECRET PREGNANCY CODE IN MY BBT CHART APPEAR?!"

Symptom-charting replaces OPK's and everything seems like it could be an indicator of pregnancy. Gas? Write it down!!!
I'm only doing this during the day when I'm not home and I find myself bored. Then at home I pretty much "ground" myself like I did from Pinterest because that worked; this is, too.

Some also start testing too early with the home pregnancy tests and continue to test everyday of the 2WW. I already know I cannot do that to myself; BFN's DESTROY ME.
I also decided that "drinking 'til it's pink" is not for me, either. I did not have a margarita last night when we were out for Mexican food and Shawn had one. I didn't even ask or have a sip. It's not "good" or "bad," nor is it "easy" or "hard." It's just my choice.

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So since my parents will be out of town until the 2WW is over (and that is not conducive to a newsbreaking meeting to all potential future grandparents), I am waiting. Some days I am more patient than others... today: eh.  Hang in there with me, won't you?

Constructive vs. Destructive

CAUTION: Post content briefly mentions "pee sticks" and ovulation.

The new moon came and went yesterday. This time of the month is a good time to "work in" what we have learned recently and to toss out that which does us no good.
Over the last month we have tossed out the boy baby names (sorry guys), the self-censorship that feels "safe," and the last bits of self-dishonesty I hope to incur. I also tossed out something that I haven't shared yet: OPK's. I wasn't sure what they would bring me, but I thougth they would help (or at least couldn't hurt). I thought I was being constructive.
OPK's look like home pregnancy tests (HPT's) but instead they indicate that ovulation is imminent (in 12-36 hours). Also unlike HPT's a line is not a line on OPK's: it must be a dark line to be "positive."

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After 8 days of trying these mo-fo's I have had it. These bishes [sic] are destructive to me.You'd think I was getting a negative HPT with every negative OPK. Some were darker than others, leading me down the road to the crazy-town where they wield rulers marked with millimeters and measure just what perecentage of the test line is as dark or darker than the control line. 50%? TEST AGAIN!!!
So none of that. I went home, went to my 24-packs of OPK's, and effing HID THEM from myself.

I proceeded to do yoga for almost an hour. Now that's constructive. I also went to fetch my yarn I sourced after designing future-baby a hoodie, and started the damn thing. I finished it, too. Constructive, also.

Should I get more yarn to make a pocket?

Yes. Yes, I should...



I felt guilty starting and finishing a project that I have only had on my plate for a little over a month when I have soooo many others to finish, but I had a block in my creativity from not letting myself make this. So all of you that have slippers, illustrations, and other goodies and bits coming to you: lo, I have not forgotten. Oh, no. It's just taking me FOREVAR. But one day you'll go to your mailbox and you'll be pleasantly surprised. Promise.

2012-2013 Mantras

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While I meditate and do yoga I repeat positive things to myself that are helpful throughout my day no matter what I am doing. To share (and so I remember!!!) here are some good ones:

"I am safe."
"Open my heart. As wide as it can be."
"I am love."
"Everything is as it should be."
"I am relaxed."

After taking a peek at my natal chart I realized that the "5th House" associated with children/first pregnancy... is empty. This doesn't mean I won't have children; this means I won't have to focus or try too hard... hopefully. There are signs very near the House however, that I feel are things to take into consideration while we are trying to have a baby. Based on these I am adding several new mantras to my collection:

"Take care of yourself."
"Be healthy."
"No guilt."
"Work hard."
"Do it your own unique way."

I love how they all kind of tie together; it wouldn't be hard to write a paragraph interconnecting them in some way. Do you use/have mantras?

How's ____-planning going?

All around me life is changing, moving, growing. People are getting married, moving, buying a home, waiting for their babies to be born. Our very own life is changing, too! But amidst the social discussion, I am left wanting to share with no one to oblige me.
"How's wedding planning?"
          "Did you pick a color for the kitchen?"
"Which OB are you seeing?"

None of these questions are for me. I am expected to pick one up that shoddily resembles an expression of my curiosity and pose it forth, another spectator aimlessly trying to increase the space between the clock hands before going back to my desk.

BUT, BUT, but I have NEWS, tooo!!!! Exciting NEWWWWWS!

"Yes, yes I do," I tell myself... "we're trying have a baby."
But the topic is so tip-toed around... if no one is there telling you all your reasons are wrong or that you're approaching it wrong way #2,041 of 1,000,000, they have nothing to say about this genuinely-awesome chunk of news.
I don't think they're disinterested in the fact that we are trying to have a child but I believe that they simply don't know what to ask or to say. Planned pregnancies in our social circle are not exactly an abundant occurrence either, so that adds to the weird-factor in discussions. So what do you ask someone who is trying to conceive? Anything you'd ask a newly-pregnant person.

1. Do you have any names/colors/rooms picked out for future baby?
2. Have you thought about where you'd like to have the baby?
3. Have you found any cute things to buy yet?
4. Are you trying for a boy or a girl?
5. Do you plan to find out the sex?
6. What month would the baby be born if you got pregnant this month?
7. Is life changing already in preparation?
8. What are you most excited/anticipating/scared to go through?
9. Have you picked any preferences for diapers/sleeping arrangements/daycare?
10. Are you preparing freezer meals before the baby arrives?

Obviously "How many months have you been trying?" isn't on the list; as I said, the topic is sensitive. Anything relating to infertility or difficulty should be avoided unless the other person brings up the issue. It's best to keep the questions general and positive to guage the mood of the conversation and encourage the TTC'er to share only as much as he or she is comfortable with.

Do you have any good questions to add to the list?
Leave them in the comments!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #23

What a week! I think everyday being jam-packed with things made it go by fast. Amidst the routine this week was a bit of humor in the form of Mama Kitty and her cardboard home security... device. Random I know, but funny? You bet your buns.

Today I love me because:

1. I have been active for a whole week! Walking 10 minutes a day, doing Yoga every other day for 10-30 minutes is the current regimen. I feel sooo much better and more flexible again.
2. I made good Anniversary dinner with loves.
3. I found near-immediate peace after Cosmo left us.
4. I took good advice when it was hard.
5. The doulas I found are awesome ladies.
6. I make sure we're eating lots of different things to get lots of good baby-making nutrients!
7. I picked me out a good hubby. ;o)

Have a nice weekend!!!

TTC Adventure #1: Continued \\ Eat Your Peas!

Last week I mentioned we were interviewing doulas and last night a second doula, Carrie, came over. She is lovely and we like her a lot! Very knowledgable and hilarious.

After she left I made us a very healthy dinner with peas, shrimp, egg and quinoa. It is protein-rich (supportive of male fertility) and so delicous that even Shawn (who doesn't eat peas) had a second helping... and third.



You will need:

1 cup frozen green beans

3/4 cup frozen peas

1 egg

6-8 LARGE shrimp (cooked and cut into bite size pieces)

1/2 cup Quinoa (any color)

2 Tbsp Sunflower or Olive oil

Garlic, diced

Cayenne Pepper

Sea Salt

First thing, make the quinoa. I use a rice cooker for my grains: I add the two parts water to one part dry quinoa and set to "cook." After it goes on "warm" I unplug the cooker and let the grain soak up the remaining water.

While the quinoa cooks I prepare the other ingredients (I chopped the green beans in half; you can also beat the egg in a separate bowl) and get a sauté pan nice and hot over medium heat. Add about a tablespoon of oil to the pan and coat the bottom evenly. Taking care of the splatter, add the green beans and peas to the hot pan and stiry-fry for 2 minutes. Add the garlic and stir. Push the ingredients over to one side of the pan and pour/crack the egg into the other. Scramble as it cooks, gradually mixing egg pieces in with the peas and beans. Add the shrimp and mix in well.

When the quinoa is done, stir it once to make sure it's fluffy (if it's still liquid-y let it sit longer). If it's dry add two tablespoons oil to the pan, increase the heat one level to medium-hi and add the prepared quinoa. Stir constantly until mixed evenly and decrease heat back to medium.

Serve immediatley!

Let the Sun shine... Let the Sunshine In...

Last month I learned something valuable that I will share at risk of sounding very young... even though I am very young.


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A month ago today I shared that someone at my work's wife is suprise-pregnant... but I didn't share that this was announced the day after my first BFN (big fat negative)... Thursday night I was devastated, disappointed, sad, and so frustrated. I managed to pull myself together before work that next morning and continue on, sunflower upon my head and the skip in my step that is Friday. After that announcement I plunged back down to the place I had been. I didn't like it; I felt involuntarily miserable and thus more miserable.
After making it through most of the day I was finally at home, sulking to myself. One of my blog-sisters, Kim, emailed me to see how I was doing and I spilled the beans. I expected her to agree, to comiserate with me, and to tell me things I wanted to hear.  She didn't; she pissed me off.

She told me that she knows how frustrating it must be for me to be going through this in light of the announcement, but that I had to be happy for them.

WHAT?! But, but... ME!!! What about MEEEE?!

Her email continued, "the more joy you can let in your heart and less stress, the easier it will be to conceive."

WELL... hmm. Yeah... Maybe there's something to this...
So I thought about it. I examined where the pissed-off was coming from: me.
She doesn't know the people I work with; she knows and likes me. She wants to help me.
So I had to re-read the email with love in my heart. It sounded different in my head the second time.
"You know," I said to myself, "you'd want people to be happy for you."
True.
"So be happy for them; they're going to experience the joy of a child. This doesn't mean you won't..."

Also True. So instead of being negatively affected by the news, I chose to be happy and go towards all the feelings that ever make me sad/uncomfortable and get up close to them. Turns out that once you make that choice, to be happy, the negative feelings simply back down and fizzle; this last month has been the most joyous of my entire life.


Thanks for pissing me off, Kim. ;o)

I have decided something...

While talking to my mom yesterday we discussed that my goal for sharing our Baby Journey on my blog is to express how I feel throughout openly and honestly. I blog what I feel, what I think and what I have to say. I don't want to change that now, and I already talked about why. I promise not to share anything personal about anyone else but myself; but it's going to be the good, bad and ugly of me... so I have decided to add a 'jump break' to posts that could be TMI for family and sensitive readers. This will change the way my blog looks in feeds, readers and email subscriptions. If you want to read these posts in the future, you'll just click on the link to go to the entire post. Thank you for your support and love; it makes a world of difference!

TTC Adventure #1: Meet some doulas.

It's only the 4th and the first month of TTC is flying by! Today we have our first appointment with a Doula after we are both home from work. Her name is Shannon and we're very excited to meet with her!

You may be wondering, "What is a doula?" Wikipedia says:

A doula (pronounced "doó la", also known as a labour coach and originating from the Ancient Greek word δούλη meaning female servant or slave) is a nonmedical person who assists a woman before, during, or after childbirth, as well as her partner and/or family by providing information, physical assistance, and emotional support. The provision of continuous support during labour by doulas, or nurses, family, or friends, is associated with improved maternal and fetal health and a variety of other benefits.

So basically she would help us along with the midwife throughout the birth if it goes as "planned" as well as if a transfer to the hospital is needed. I consider a doula invaluable to us should we end up at the hospital; they can be great at helping you maintain your emotional focus with your partner while medical interventions can be negotiated along with your needs by the midwife. At home, I think she would help to do things like get pillows, towels, etc. while Shawn would stay with me the whole time. A lot of first-time dads/non-birthing parents take mild offense to the idea of a doula because they want to be the one to support their partner and think this job is being taken away by a doula. This is not so; they actually do a lot of work so that the parents can stay together and support each other!
So we have decided a doula would be helpful for our situation and plan to meet with 3 this month.

Some information I have found helpful:

DONA International
Doula.com
Do Doulas Replace Dads?
Differences between Doulas and Midwives
Choosing a Midwife or Doula

Would you use a doula?

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #21

Good morning! It's Friday!

Yesterday was crazy! Shawn got ran off the road into a sign by someone on the way home last night. He's OK, thank goodness. Now I hear that Stacie went trying to chop off her finger...

Today I love me because:

1. Looking at my cousin Jaimie's family pictures made me BAWL. Her children (including an 8-day-old baby boy! His dad was flown back across L. Michigan from work to make it in time!) are so precious.  
2. I made GOOD dinner last night. I'm posting the recipe later!
3. We pray more (everyday now) in the way we like to, and it helps us soooo much.
4. I'm being so patient now.
5. I am so excited and have a very good outlook on our new status as an Official TTC couple.

I'm learning a lot of acronyms as we are now TTC (Try to Conceive)... I don't like them all and I certainly don't understand them all but if I ever use a weird one (I'll try not to use any) I'll explain its meaning. Thanks for coming back today after yesterday.
If you haven't commented, please do! About anything; not just the post!



I Replaced the Pill with a BBT

Download this Free BBT Chart for Degrees C or F HERE

Last week I had mentioned that I am pre-nesting and had purchased some things to help us prepare before we start actively trying in July. The Prenatal Vitamins and basal thermometer (BBT) came in the mail yesterday so I took a tablet after dinner with water and this morning recorded my first Basal Body Temperature. I almost forgot to take it and record it on the chart this morning since you have to do it even before you're "up" for the day out of bed. I layed there and waited for it to beep and then read it: 96.8F... I was instantly awake, "Is that right?" I asked Shawn, who was still mostly sleeping. He said something muffled by pillow and I just recorded it as it was. Turns out it is very normal to have a body temp between 96-98F upon waking. Who knew?!
So although I don't take a Pill everyday now, I still have to do this everyday. I find it easier to do something in the effort of getting pregnant versus in the effort of not getting pregnant, especially when I want a baby NAO. I'm also into the idea of knowing my body really well and seeing the patterns emerge. Overall, I'd describe myself currently as impatient.

Pre-Nesting

Do I ever have it bad. The Babycrack. The Baby Fever. Whatever you call it.
So far this week since Sunday:

• Decided to have a baby no matter what
• Health was cleared for having babies on Monday
• Stopped the Pill
• Registered on OvaOva
• Ordered a Basal thermometer
• Dealt with the first pregnancy-related jerk
• Sourced Cloth Diaper materials
• Sourced and Contacted local Doulas
• Contacted the Birthing Center here
• Decided on Home Birth instead of Birth Center Birth... more on that below
• Selected a Birthing Pool
• Read approximately 40 Birth Stories, some good, some bad, some ugly

It has officially started.
So about the home birth... I originally dreamed of giving birth in a birthing center, so when we finally got one in the Omaha area, I was very excited! I looked into it only to find that although it is a great facility, it's basically like being at home... but you're not. No pain medication or emergency intervention measures are offered at the center so if anything were to happen and an emergency arised I would still have to be transferred to a hospital.
Now my stance for my pregnancy is "Unmedicated or Emergency C-Section Only," given it is a healthy, no-risk pregnancy and I can find support for me and for Shawn during labor. I feel that being at home with no pain medication and a support system (that includes my cat I played doula for) is the same as going to the birthing center except that we don't have to drive 40 minutes from our home to get there, and there is a hospital just as close--maybe closer--to our house as the one near the center.
I don't feel that having a home birth is more complicated, quite the opposite: it is stripping away the illusion of control Western Medicine sometimes tries to impose on the natural, uncontrollable force of nature that is birth. No IV lines, monitors, strangers, risks of BAD infections are in my home. If something happens we can leave and drive down the street. But we will try it!
Just love, support, and my body is all I will need to have our baby.