Hundreds of Days

 Hundreds of days have passed since Bernice has been born (230). So much has happened and she has changed and grown so much.
You know that feeling you get when you go out to eat at a restaurant and you get the bill at the end? The feeling that maybe something might not add up right; you've been overcharged somehow.
That's the best example I can give you of the feeling I get when I look at these two pictures:

The first photo of Bernice, and the latest I took today (below, obvs).

I look back at all the photos we have taken of her, the hundreds of days documented and remembered. Vividly remembered. It's all there. It all adds up... somehow. All the changes, so gradual and yet so THERE. So visible.

It's sad and sweet. And I remember it all. I feel so blessed to say I remember it all.

Love and Comfort II

What seems like a long time ago, I wrote about the fuzzy feeling you get when you fall in love and what happens to it after a while: it turns into comfort based on trust for your partner.
That trust has sustained Shawn and I through many years (6 years next month) and through my very puke-y pregnancy with Bernice. Now that she is here, I find myself uncomfortable in a vague sort of way. Like I felt long ago when my body first started to change in 6th grade.

I'm too hard on myself once again. Even though I am doing my best to get some kind of familiar shape back I know my body will never be the same. Even though I fit in a lot of my pants again I have the loose mommy-tummy skin from being stretched to the stretch-mark point for almost a year. I don't know what I expected before I had Bernice and I don't know what I expect of myself now but whatever it is, I'm not meeting my own subconscious expectations.

It makes being anything but cuddly with Shawn kind of difficult. No matter how much he reassures me that he thinks I am beautiful, I just don't feel that way about myself. In my mind he deserves a woman that looks much better than I do with no clothes on. He doesn't know I feel this way precisely... although he will after he reads it today. I know he can probably guess that something is wrong from the lack of eye contact and vehemence, and that something is Me.

I'm uncomfortable with myself right now, whether I "look good" or whether everyone including my pre-pregnancy sized pants are lying to me (which is doubtful). That is what I must focus on changing. Not my waistline, not the way I dress, not my hair. ME. I want to be comfortable with myself again so that I can be a good body-image role model to Bernice and a good, happy wife to my husband.

At least it's good to know after thinking about this that the only thing that has changed the feeling of comfort in our relationship is Me. And I have the power to fix it. Now to find the strength...

For All the Mommies and the Daddies

Tonight I understand the ferocity of parental, and in my case, motherly love. I understand that any feelings that our parenting skills are being questioned are invoked within us by the differences between us. Any feelings that other parents' choices are made as a slight to us stems from differences in the infinite number of choices we all have to make everyday as parents. And all these feelings originate from the core feeling of anyone questioning that love. It can make the blood rise immediately.

But when we tuck our children in bed at night whether it is with you in your family bed, in a bassinet in your room, in his or her own crib in a separate room (with or without a bumper) don't we all hold onto them just a little longer before going to sleep ourselves? Don't we all try to consciously make a memory that we will never forget? Memories about how small our babies are, and how fast they are growing. Little details of the lines of their face. Such tiny fingers and toes. Each little hair on their heads.
If we all know that deep of love for our children I believe our differences can be celebrated instead of being used to criticize other parents. Lo! We all have found decisions we feel good about among the hundreds of choices which we all have to make. What could be better in the uncertain world of parenting than to feel good about how we're raising our own children?
Maybe we could understand each other and become curious rather than judgmental when we see those who have chosen differently than we have. Instead of taking it as a slight to you, feel good about your different decision you have made which works for your family and know that the parent in front of you feels that way about their own decision. Give a nod to them respectfully as a sort of "parental namaste:" The good parent within me sees the good parent within you.

In short: the Mommy Wars currently raging across the internet and in our communities make me cry. Breastfeeding, formula feeding. Disposables, cloth diapers. Vaccinations, no-Vaccinations. Intact boys, circumcised boys. Medicalized birth, un-medicated birth. All of it. It just needs to stop.
It just doesn't matter at the end of the day, and it's not part of that memory you make. What matters is the love we all know for our children. I hope we can all let that be enough to at least begin to let us relate to other parents, if not to love and understand them.

This is a tough job, folks. And if we're all doing our best, we're doing just great.

Peach + Mama Kitty... a year in the making.

Last year Mama Kitty was in a heavy fog of denial that Peach was indeed a new member of the family and she refused to believe that. She went from smacking to hissing to jeering at Peach every time she walked by in the first few months. Then, something changed. She realized that Peach hadn't gone when she had gotten a new flavor of cat food so she figured that it must have been quite some time that Peach had been there. Mama started to soften.

One day in late June I came out to the couch where I found this scene. Mama even smiled. They weren't touching, but they were being tolerant of each other for the first time.

They even bonded over snuggling with daddy together in July. Or begging for margarita... either way.

Then one day in August we were all on the couch and mama reached out to Peach to just touch her. This melted us.

And now they are outside buddies, too.

I'm so glad they decided to love each other. We coudln't imagine our family any other way than full of animals that we all love and that love each other.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #33

via K. Carter 

I'm so, so glad it is Friday! I have a lot to look forward to today and this weekend!

• Massage with Shawn tonight at Oasis
• Fire Spinning Show
• 2nd Full Moon in August is tonight! Technically not a true blue moon, but still cool.

So today I look back on the week and remember some reasons I love myself:

1. My hair is soooo pretty today. I might do a DIY hair post on it.
2. When people try to say mean things it doesn't make a reaction in me like it used to anymore.
3. I love that pug.
4. I AM NOT CHARTING OR TEMPING OR ANYTHING. Sorry, but that's a big deal!
5. I have been trying to make sure Shawn knows how much I love him.
6. I'm being gentler with myself.
7. I'm changing one of my behavior patterns that deprives me of being all, "DAMN MY LIFE IS AWESOME." Cuz it is, really.

Have a nice (hopefully) 3-day weekend, everyone! You know how we loooove our Mondays (1, 2) off!

It's Friday, I LoVE... my family!

This week, though challenging, reminded me of how strong I am and how much I love my family. We are strong together, and we have so much love for each other.

Shawn and I are doing very well. We're ready for more adventures of all kinds and have discovered the mindset that the future baby had better get ready for US.

---

I had been suffering anxiety since Monday after I knew this cycle was a bust again. My parents invited us to dinner at their house which took a huge burden off of my back as the last thing I wanted to do was to cook. My mom's roast is like eating a hug.

I tried to chill out but I had chest pains from my muscles tightening and even experienced a panic attack while Shawn was trying to take me out for sushi and a Mai Tai on Tuesday. I went to the doctor yesterday and asked for anxiety medication. I also had my blood ran for pituitary abnormalities (all normal!) and my thyroid checked (also normal!) so I am balanced in the hormone department... And I don't really want to take it the medication.
I just started feeling like me; I don't want to lose that--or my libido (need that to make a baby, people!)--by taking medication that could cause panic attacks...
I slept on the decision and woke up today with no chest pain and a kick-ass attitude.
I also woke up to see that the huge, painful hematoma from the blood draw had flattened, leaving a lovely array of blues, pinks and purples in my elbow-pit. It doesn't hurt anymore either!

I won't go into detail because it's not about me, but Grandpa had a stroke and is recovering now. I always love being in a room full of our family, and I still felt like that last night even though the room was a hospital room. Grandpa's still very much himself, muttering an "Aww, hell" every now and again.

I'm glad it's Friday and that I have such a wonderful and large family that cares for each other.
Keep us all in your thoughts, prayers and meditations. You're in ours!

Transformation Complete

I have done it.



I am me.



SO me.

I have wings.
I have bared my soul to my kindred spririt, Shawn.
I know in my heart more than I could ever learn from the outside.

And I am so happy.

I'm going on a blog-and-work staycation from now until Monday 8/20/12 for the rest of the two week wait. I hope to come back with good news; keep praying, hoping, meditating and colloiding that light you're making for me in the form of sticky baby thoughts.

Love to you all. Namaste.

"Let's put that on the fridge..."

Remember a while back when I was mad?
I said I had an issue owning up to the fact that things I create and do are amazing and dynamic; like everytime I shared news or a creation I perceived that it was received with a "Oh, that's nice... let's put that on the fridge."

No more.
A couple of days ago I was finishing my yoga with a relaxation/meditation and tried as I did, I couldn't keep thinking about this issue of mine. This was one of those times that being just the right amount of crazy like I am really helped me: I started a conversation with myself.

"Self, why do you think people feel like that?"
"Because everyone else's news is just so legit all the time."
  "How is it more legit than yours?"
"... I guess it's not."
  "Oh. So you feel like other people don't take your news as seriously because you don't take your news as seriously?"
"...I guess that is why."
  "Well that's enough of that then, isn't it?"

Out loud: "Yes. Yes it is quite enough of that."
In my head: "All of that; including the talking to myself bit."

But really. I can go back in my memories and correct that issue I had and it seems so obvious now. The wedding was a big deal: look how many people came just for us, how many people helped to put up decorations, how many things people took charge of and did just for us.
THAT was a big deal; still is. So they must have thought so, and still do.

DUH, Hillary... just... duh.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #25

Happy Happy Happy Friday!

After getting constructive last week, I have been staying that way. I got the yarn I ordered more of in the mail and finished the future-baby hoodie last night. I put pictures of it up here!

I also finished 2 more crochet projects that should have been done about a year ago!

"D" for Daniel!

Corbin's Coyote Blanket

Now I am free to finish my current projects and get them to the people who are eagerly waiting!
So today, I love me because:

1. I still has a happy!!!
2. I am filled with FAITH, JOY and LOVE because of my personal relationship with my spirituality.
3. Everytime I dread being in the middle of the 2-week wait, I get giddy with anticipation instead.
4. I didn't wash my hair today... and I don't care!
5. This is week 3 of yoga/walking everyday! WHAT!!?!

Happy weekend to you!

S. : see you at 1! :o)

Let the Sun shine... Let the Sunshine In...

Last month I learned something valuable that I will share at risk of sounding very young... even though I am very young.


via

A month ago today I shared that someone at my work's wife is suprise-pregnant... but I didn't share that this was announced the day after my first BFN (big fat negative)... Thursday night I was devastated, disappointed, sad, and so frustrated. I managed to pull myself together before work that next morning and continue on, sunflower upon my head and the skip in my step that is Friday. After that announcement I plunged back down to the place I had been. I didn't like it; I felt involuntarily miserable and thus more miserable.
After making it through most of the day I was finally at home, sulking to myself. One of my blog-sisters, Kim, emailed me to see how I was doing and I spilled the beans. I expected her to agree, to comiserate with me, and to tell me things I wanted to hear.  She didn't; she pissed me off.

She told me that she knows how frustrating it must be for me to be going through this in light of the announcement, but that I had to be happy for them.

WHAT?! But, but... ME!!! What about MEEEE?!

Her email continued, "the more joy you can let in your heart and less stress, the easier it will be to conceive."

WELL... hmm. Yeah... Maybe there's something to this...
So I thought about it. I examined where the pissed-off was coming from: me.
She doesn't know the people I work with; she knows and likes me. She wants to help me.
So I had to re-read the email with love in my heart. It sounded different in my head the second time.
"You know," I said to myself, "you'd want people to be happy for you."
True.
"So be happy for them; they're going to experience the joy of a child. This doesn't mean you won't..."

Also True. So instead of being negatively affected by the news, I chose to be happy and go towards all the feelings that ever make me sad/uncomfortable and get up close to them. Turns out that once you make that choice, to be happy, the negative feelings simply back down and fizzle; this last month has been the most joyous of my entire life.


Thanks for pissing me off, Kim. ;o)

Married for 1 Year

Yesterday was our Anniversary! The first year went by so fast and it was so much fun.
We spent the day just being together, eating dinner at home (with defrosted wedding cake for dessert!), and going downtown where the wedding was last year.

We walked on the pedestrian bridge with the dog and got a funnel cake at the festival that was going on again this year. It was storming (our favorite weather) near us so we got to see lightning and hear rumbles as it rained on and off all day and later into the night.

• A year ago  I was saying hello to you all for the first time as a wife!
• We went camping and site seeing in South Dakota.
• Shawn flew a plane!
• I had health issues and overcame them.
• We bought a home together and moved in.
• We had many, many Mondays off where we drank margaritas.
• We adopted Peach!
• I decided to love myself.
• We made it to the halfway point for this year!
• We decided to have children.
• Filed our married taxes.
• Shawn took me away for my birthday!
• We said goodbye to another pet.
• Started preparations for having children.
• We waited to celebrate being together this long.

Thank you for sharing in our journey and our love.

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #22

Happy Friday!


via



Today I am just so in love with... everything! Shawn and I are so happy, in love, communicating well, married for a YEAR on Sunday!!! We have so many things to be happy about and we are finding ourselves really enjoying each moment and getting caught up in them.
We are so fortunate in so many ways :o)
Hopefully in two weeks my body cooperates with me and stays on track according to the charting I've been doing and we will have yet another reason to be happy very soon.

I am in love with you, readers, for all the wonderful things you share with me in your comments. I literally get a huge grin on my face reading your thoughts and encouragement. Y'all are great.

Things I love that I learned and made and did this week:

1. Already researching doulas and making appointments to meet with them. Shannon was nice, I can't wait to meet Carrie next week!
2. I love my family and the little things we do together.
3. I love my constant search for knowledge and how Shawn is the same way. The Transit was so fun on Tuesday to share with him!
4. I have the courage to be myself all the time no matter what. Finally.
5. I am GREAT at cooking! YAY!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! #10

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE! by hilljo on polyvore.com

Happy Friday! I can't really say it feels like Friday because I just realized it wasn't last week yesterday. SO... I know I haven't done this feature in 2 weeks but I'm doing it now!

I love me today because:

1. I made a realistic change to my OFW plans while still keeping a commitment to myself to do what I know I can do: make a wedding gown.
2. I finally wrote the post I should have written a year ago! How the blog got its name.
3. I have mustered the strength I gained from the stress of wedding planning into a way to acknowledge the stress work is putting me through right now while trying to mentally stay above it.
4. I have not been hard on myself for not doing as well as I'd like some days with #3
5. I am bonding more and more closely with Peachy Pie.
6. I'm broke. And I say Oh Well.
7. I really want to know what people think of me, just for fun. And not flattery, real opinions. So I can see how I have changed; it wouldn't affect my self image anymore.
8. I'm getting more organized.
9. I didn't fill out my OFW application right away; I'm mulling over my answers first.
10. I am grateful for my husband.
11. I almost typed husbun instead. BUNNAY!!!

Have a great weekend!

It's Friday, I'm in LoVE!

Do you ever get to the end of the week feeling so defeated you don't give a shit less what day it is, even if it happens to be Friday?
K.

Today I'm keeping it short and sweet to stay positive.
I love me today because:

1. I like how I think of rebuttals to my writing while I'm writing, and how I address them.
2. I am really interested in the Calendar Math hubs has become obsessed with, even though I have no idea what he's talking about. Still interested, genuinely.
3. I donate to Wikipedia.
4. I am not beating myself up about anything this week.
5. I had some major big-girl pants on yesterday to not flip out all over bitches at my work who disrespected me in a meeting... In front of me. Golden rule much, bitches?
6. I drank a CRAP-TON of water this whole week! Crap-ton is now a standard unit of measure based on the ounces of water I drank.

That's all for today; have a great weekend and let all the thoughts that plague you from shit gone awry this week just pass and fade away. LoVE!

U has a flavor

More mama kitty antics here and here.

I, for one, love my husband.

I resisted Pinterest ALL day. I made my bloggy reading-and-commenting rounds and continued working today instead of logging on... until 5 minutes ago!

What a mistake that was.

All I get from Pinterest is pissed off anymore. There is a slew of people making light of talking bad about their partners, and specifically husbands, on there in the form of repins of stupid quotes.





I can't take more than citing just 2 Pins I disagree with here. It's not that I don't have a sense of humor because trust me, I DO. But to me, it is the equivalent of men reducing women to their appearance to reduce a man to his faults.
I, for one, love my husband. So. Damn. Much.
To make light of his emotions and to not take into account how much he does for us would be a crying shame. Partners need to raise up each other with love and kindness and appreciation.
My husband is a man of character and that is why I wanted to marry him. I didn't want to get married before I knew him, but after I met him I only wanted to be married to him.
If we disagree, we argue with respect for each other and work through our differences. That doesn't mean one bends to the ideas of the other; it means we respect each other enough to let the other own their own thoughts.
My husband cannot be nagged. No one likes it, so why would he? If he was going to do something around the house and he has not done it yet, I simply (READ:)Let. It. Go. 10 times out of 10 the next time I think about it, he has already done it.
My husband is my best friend and he teaches me so many things by sharing what he learns about the world. He reads everyday. He researches for the sake of knowing something for himself. He is truly intelligent for seeking information for no other purpose than his own curiosity. He has taught me so much, and I hope what I'm sharing with him teaches him, too.
My husband is cool. He has style; he never wears jeans, just Dickies pants. I really love how he dresses as an individual. He likes good music that we both enjoy and has introduced me to bands I love who I'd never heard of before. He is open minded and open hearted and this just allows all kinds of cool things to rush in.
My husband encourages me by always believing in me. He sees how determined I get about so many things, and he never undermines it with reality. He's just there for me when I fall short to remind me of how far I got when I started with nothing.
My husband loves me. He shows and tells me everyday. Do you know what he told me this morning? That he keeps thinking about how I look when I smile and how precious I am to him. Yes, he is real.

So join me in my challenge to you, dear readers: RISE UP AND LOVE YOUR PARTNER. Be a true partner to your spouse, fiance/e, boyfriend, girlfriend, and show the world that "They are More."