Home Birth Decision

Before becoming pregnant, I considered myself very spiritual. I meditated everyday and did a 20-minute yoga flow almost as often. I felt close to Jah and to everything around me I felt a deep, divine love.
Now that I am pregnant, and very-much so, this has become invaluable to me. My faith in Jah is the strongest it has ever been in my life. I believe it is because I came to it myself after many years of being raised to Believe in the "Western" way, calling Him by the names of God and Jesus in a church full of white people. Searching for, finding, and adapting what feels right regarding my faith has taken years, but it has enriched my soul to the point that I can feel Divine Love, as I walk every step of every day, from its very source.
Jah is everywhere, and it's very apparent if you are looking. When I need comfort I often find traces of Him in nature and I am reminded I am never alone and never without Love and all the wonderful things that come with it, like protection.

Until a Quickie-Ultrasound machine comes out akin to the X-ray screens in cartoons where you stand behind it and can instantly see inside your body, you usually don't get to actually see your baby that often while you are pregnant. And if you haven't been able to feel baby move yet, the time between the first ultrasound and the next/last seems like an eternity and can be filled with worry for expecting mamas. Sometimes all you have to go on is the idea that unless something is really wrong, everything is probably fine. Probably. That is where Jah came in for me. I have been so ill this entire pregnancy that I worried and worried until one day I realized that He is protecting our baby better than I could ever hope to do on my own, and I lifted her up to Him. I prayed aloud for Jah to please hold her in his hands and keep her safe, and to quiet my heart in the knowledge that it is done and had been even before I asked.
Now our baby is viable, could be born at anytime in the next 8 weeks and most likely survive with the aid of medical attention in a hospital. I pray the baby cooks for longer and that this doesn't happen, too, but everything would be alright. So how do I need Jah now? I need Jah for myself. He needs me to listen right now.
At 20 weeks my home birth midwife was served with a warrant in my state and could no longer cross the state line for her own safety and well-being. I was devastated. I had only ever dreamed I would give birth at home, surrounded by my animals and being helped by my husband, doula and midwife. All of that was... gone. I dropped to my knees in desperation and prayed out at that moment for Jah to calm me and to show me, if it was His will, a midwife who would be able to support us for a home birth. This was 8 weeks ago.
She came over Monday. She's lovely and experienced, having worked in the field for over 6 years under the Midwife I originally had planned for our birth.
And I didn't feel how I thought I would feel. She feels better than the birth center, but I wasn't ready to jump in with paperwork and the whole shebang with her quite yet. I had to think and pray.

I remembered praying for a home birth midwife to be provided if that was what we were supposed to have. I got her.
I remember denying myself the carnal desire of family because of the possibly rocky road ahead attempting to become pregnant just 15 months earlier. And I did get pregnant.
And here we are.

I've decided: we're going to have a home birth. Just like I prayed for and dreamt about all year. And I will not be afraid, because although I will always need Jah right now he needs me--to listen to Him and to maintain my faith in Him.

Every little thing is gonna be alright. It's Irie, even.

What I think of "For the Best"

Whether you are religious or not, to accept an outcome from any situation is a matter of faith. If you choose to be a positive person, these outcomes would be "for the best."

Then why do bad things happen to good people?

Because whether we understand why or not, it is "for the best."
I believe that the Universe/God/Jah/Karma/etc... has a definite order to the series of events playing out in our lives and how they are supposed to click into place with one another. I have faith in that.
So in our limited scope of human knowledge of the Universe, it is a matter of choice and of faith to be positive and to know that whatever happens to us is for the best. Even if we don't understand why.

Everything is always as it should be. Everything happens for a reason. I trust in that.

Psychological Needs in Hetero-Marriages*

Everyone has needs. Emotional needs, phsyical needs, psychological needs. All kinds of things that make us feel like "us" and make us happy. Loving yourself and taking time out to do things you enjoy fulfill some needs that no one can, but in doing this the past month or so I have felt there is something missing. I have felt... not a lack of closeness to Shawn, but an increase in distance for sure. We are not "growing apart" or being distant but we are simply there at home, expecting things to be amazing and different because we're married. It is amazing being married to your BfF but I have missed the special connection I felt to Shawn that made me giddy when we first met. It's not missing or gone, it's just changed. It has grown along with us and now it is different. Just like how a child we will someday create will grow and change many times, becoming simply different.
What is missing, for me, is the way I show my husband how I support him and how I feel about him as a man. In between doing things I enjoy like teaching crochet before going home after work and cooking dinner, I have become very focused on what kind of woman I am. This is important to figure out, but I have time. I have an idea of what I want to be, too so that's a headstart.
So it has occurred to me I spend too much time focusing on what I do rather than what I express. Sure I think all these things about Shawn below, but I never tell him. Not like I should. Not like I need to be told how he thinks of me as a woman...

Men are "doers" and Women are "thinkers." Generally. And I HATE to generalize especially in the case of people, but this is mostly true. Men focus in on one thing at a time intellectuallly while women take it all in and digest it emotionally. This wires us differently thus causing our needs to be met differently.
Men need intellectual affirmation. They need to know how you feel. You cannot simply mentally obsess over your man a la Anne Boelyn and expect him to read your mind or assume the you feel a certain way about him.
They really need to know you trust them, for starters. Trusting your man to go to the gym alone when you don't want to go (or because you already did) shows him you know he loves you enough to do what he says.

Men left with the responsibility to do the right thing will; if they do not, they are boys.

And if you do go to the gym with him, just because you catch hottie McAbs-Abs eying him dosen't mean he will ever give her a thought simply because you gave her one.
Trusting your man includes letting him go when he says "I'm fine" to your "What's wrong?"
If he doesn't want to share it he can obviously handle it himself, so trust him to do so. If he needs your help or it concerns you, he will ultimately come to you because you have shown him you're there. That is all he needs.
If you're parenting, trusting your spouse to care for the baby when you have been doing the main caregiving during the day can be difficult. Just because they do something different doesn't mean it's wrong... you may learn from the way your partner does it! Trust them!

There are lots of other ways you can show your partner you love them and that you think they are a good person. Trust is the one I feel everything is based on, however. If you can't trust someone enough to let your guard down, who will keep watch of it when you can't? Trust and be trusted.

I may continue this...

*I chose to aterisk "Hetero" because of the language I used here like "husband" and "wife" instead of "partner." Trust applies to every relationship!!!