Happy Place

Years ago I had a really hard time dealing with my PTSD and anxiety. I still have a touch of it, especially when I'm tired. I have learned to manage it well over the years without medication by meditating and surrounding myself with love. Before then, Shawn was my only Happy Place and he could quell the worst of my anxiety episodes. My throat would tighten, my breathing would hasten, and I might have fainted or cried uncontrollably. He would just hold me and remind me to breathe; I now know he was probably scared or freaked out but he never let me see that. He was strong for me and got me through each trial. On one of our trips together I found a Carnelian crystal that reminded me of him and I had him wear it while we were together. When we would separate for work or other events where we couldn't be together I would take it with me and wear it. The crystal somehow helped me pull it together if I had an episode while I was out of his reach. It really comforted me and made me feel better.

Now I find myself much stronger, especially after birthing B, but like I said: sometimes when I am tired (like today) the crying spells and anxiety rear themselves up. Since Shawn has gone back to work the feeling of real life has resumed and my baby-induced state of bliss has a tinge of monotony added back into it. The stress of bills; the search for income in unconventional ways; and simply missing each other after 6 weeks of nonstop time together as a new family after B came to stay Earthside signals that reality has set back in. Harsh reality.
It's hard to watch and to let him go in the morning knowing he hates his job and hates to leave us. His boss is a bad man and runs his company without ethics, all while appearing to be successful.While we wave goodbye and shout our "loveyous" through the screen door I watch as he drives away.  It is hard to remember I am strong as the car gets further and further away. I feel my heart break while my tears rise up through my throat, nose, and finally my eyes.

Then I look down at B. So tiny in my arms. She is our reminder from Jah that everything will be alright. It has been every other time when it seemed hard or even downright impossible to make it through, and yet here we are. She is my little Carnelian crystal; my little piece of Shawn who is around even when he is not physically with us. Except unlike that crystal she truly is a piece of him, as well as a piece of me. She is the best of both of us and she inspires me to hold myself to a higher standard of being. She inspires strength in me. And while Shawn is away at work for us, she keeps his spot warm in the Happy Place which we all find again when we hear the key turn in the lock upon his arrival back from work. The Happy Place where we all wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings as a family snuggled up in our bed.

I can't wait for 5:30... especially today. I want to go to my Happy Place.

Motherhood is Not a Fix-All

Some women think a baby will "fix" a relationship.
It won't.
Some women think a baby will put an end to all the things you don't like about yourself.
It won't.
A lot of women think that once they're a mom they will be ( and have to be) pefect.
They don't.
I won't.

I read a very scary article that is being touted as "honest." Just because it's honest doesn't mean it should be passed off to the masses as normal or OK. I don't think it's OK that the author feels the way she does at home (angry and resentful: her words, not mine) with her children or towards her work-out-of-the-house spouse. I mean, unless she wants to feel that way... but it doesn't sound like it.
Some things I noticed in her post are self-imposed problems: she expects herself to be perfect; she looks at her husband working as him "getting to be 'out all day'"; she focuses on all the hard things she does; she expects to be able to do everything {often on her own} with 3 CHILDREN, 6 and under; and she expects to be involved in a lot of school-functions. She says the only time she feels truly happy is when she is out of the house with the children.

Now I have NO IDEA what having 1 (let-alone 3) child is like and how hard it is, but I do know about being married and some of the lessons are transferrable. I've also learned a lot about myself in the past year or so and those lessons are universal. Shawn and I read and discussed the article together last night, and these are our collective thoughts:

Moms have to be Perfect
This is, frankly, stupid. Being a mother is not a given, not a default option for any woman. It is an exhausting choice among many choices women can make, and should be regarded as such instead of something women are "born to do" and "have to be." Mothers, like all women childless and otherwise, are people. People are not perfect. So perfect mom = not existent.

SAHM's/SAHD's Don't Work
This has recently been verbalized in the news and is one of the most detrimental thoughts in parent-culture, IMO. Staying at home with children ALL DAY, EVERYDAY has to be hard as hell. How many hours of Baby Einstein can you take? How many messes can you clean in one day while performing normal household chores?! It's HARD! But a working-outside-the-house parent is no more "out all day" than the SAHP is "lounging around in the house all day."
As long as a working partner and the SAHP have a mutual understanding that they are both doing all they can to contribute to the wellbeing of the child/ren, then there is no point in focusing on "who did the most laundry last week?" Focusing on the things you do versus the things your spouse does to support your household can be very damaging to your relationship and imposes a "me"versus "us" relationship... and last time I checked you don't marry yourself.

The Sun Never Says

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe Me."

Look what happens with

A love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

- Hafiz, from The Gift

Good Moms Do it All on Their Own

Pfffft! HA! Right. Good moms, and parents, all ask for help when they need it. They also simply take it when it is offered. We've all heard "It takes a village..." so build one, then use it. If parents don't get time to themselves and together alone they will lose it--and fast. Stress often doesn't creep up to bad levels until you already need a break, so take one when you can. Surround yourself with a support system made of people you trust, and call them when you need it.

Good Moms are there for EVERY Field Trip and Fundraising Campaign

Um, maybe if they have only one kid! I only say this even because my mom was a SAHM most of my childhood and she was just available most the time. When you have more than one child  you have to shift the priorities from the setting they were at with less children, or even with just one. More people that matter (kids, family) are demanding more from you so the people who don't matter as much (teachers, other moms) need to take a backseat. This way you can give the ones you love your best. No leftovers for family unless they're out of the fridge, folks.

SAHP are Inside All Day

If being inside with kids all day makes you batty, by all means, STAY THE EFF OUTSIDE ALL DAY. Sleep in, get up and get ready (yes, dressed and hair/makeup if you wear it) and go out for the day until working-outside-the-house parent comes home and then re-converge. SIMPLE.

As I stated, I am not a parent so I have no idea quite yet what it's like. I have a feeling, though, if I kept these things in mind that my husband and I came to after discussing this post I believe I'll be a happier mother. My opinion, my blog, my say.