Happy Place

Years ago I had a really hard time dealing with my PTSD and anxiety. I still have a touch of it, especially when I'm tired. I have learned to manage it well over the years without medication by meditating and surrounding myself with love. Before then, Shawn was my only Happy Place and he could quell the worst of my anxiety episodes. My throat would tighten, my breathing would hasten, and I might have fainted or cried uncontrollably. He would just hold me and remind me to breathe; I now know he was probably scared or freaked out but he never let me see that. He was strong for me and got me through each trial. On one of our trips together I found a Carnelian crystal that reminded me of him and I had him wear it while we were together. When we would separate for work or other events where we couldn't be together I would take it with me and wear it. The crystal somehow helped me pull it together if I had an episode while I was out of his reach. It really comforted me and made me feel better.

Now I find myself much stronger, especially after birthing B, but like I said: sometimes when I am tired (like today) the crying spells and anxiety rear themselves up. Since Shawn has gone back to work the feeling of real life has resumed and my baby-induced state of bliss has a tinge of monotony added back into it. The stress of bills; the search for income in unconventional ways; and simply missing each other after 6 weeks of nonstop time together as a new family after B came to stay Earthside signals that reality has set back in. Harsh reality.
It's hard to watch and to let him go in the morning knowing he hates his job and hates to leave us. His boss is a bad man and runs his company without ethics, all while appearing to be successful.While we wave goodbye and shout our "loveyous" through the screen door I watch as he drives away.  It is hard to remember I am strong as the car gets further and further away. I feel my heart break while my tears rise up through my throat, nose, and finally my eyes.

Then I look down at B. So tiny in my arms. She is our reminder from Jah that everything will be alright. It has been every other time when it seemed hard or even downright impossible to make it through, and yet here we are. She is my little Carnelian crystal; my little piece of Shawn who is around even when he is not physically with us. Except unlike that crystal she truly is a piece of him, as well as a piece of me. She is the best of both of us and she inspires me to hold myself to a higher standard of being. She inspires strength in me. And while Shawn is away at work for us, she keeps his spot warm in the Happy Place which we all find again when we hear the key turn in the lock upon his arrival back from work. The Happy Place where we all wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings as a family snuggled up in our bed.

I can't wait for 5:30... especially today. I want to go to my Happy Place.