Break over!

Quietly, I took a break last month from blogging. I didn't mean to and I didn't announce it nor did I plan it. I wrote a couple posts before I stopped in October and I realized they kind of stained the vibe of the blog like ink water spots on crisp white paper.
I took a step back, realized that yes, I was going through a bit of postpartum depression, and that forcing myself to blog was making me over-analyze my feelings. So I stopped writing, continued living, and worked on letting myself feel what I felt and then moving on (all the while knowing better than the chemical imbalance in my brain) and now it's over. I feel good again. Happy for no reason, even!

It ceased last month right before our beloved ferret, Noni, passed away. She was always the symbol of my emotional duplicity in my dreams. Usually she would help me work through the process of unifying myself between the channels of heart and mind; sometimes she would show me that I was tearing myself apart and that although I was fine for the moment, I could not truly live that way. She reminded both Shawn and I of a weasel, or a little otter.
The night after she died I dreamed that I was sitting on a bench in front of a fountain. In the middle of the fountain there was a bit of land with a large tree. An otter was standing under the tree and I looked to her. She dove into the water and came out on the other side in front of me and I stood up from the bench. She held out her paw: she had a snail with the brightest white shell I had ever seen. She ate the snail and handed me the shell.
It was as if I understood her, and she understood me.

I knew Noni was finally at peace. I knew she was OK wherever she was now and that I would be OK, too. I must remember my true self, who I am, and continue navigating life at my own pace.

More Dreams: Go with the flow

You know how I am with my dreams. They're very symbolic and very intertwined with my subconcious. I've dissected my dreams on the blog before, and now I have another one!

In April my subconcious was pointing out that I was starting to value myself again finally, even the parts that weren't "all there" yet. I was also starting to find myself but was held back by fear. Last night my dreams showed me that I have reached a turning point: it's time to go with the flow. I'm a happy person because I decide to be; I am making efforts everyday to connect and stay connected with people (especially my parents and Shawn); and that it's time to just relax and enjoy being alive with all that I have learned. Plus, it literally symbolizes that this cycle could be the winning cycle of this Summer's Baby Lottery!

My dream:

Shawn, myself and my parents were at a waterpark. We were on a waterslide in little leaf-shaped things, floating down the stream of water. I noticed that there were very small requiem sharks (sandbar sharks?) swimming in the water against the flow of the slide. I stood up, trying to jump in and stop them or to get out when my mom called out ahead of me in the stream that it was "OK. There's nothing to be afraid of." I decided to stay in the raft with/near Shawn and finished riding the waterslide and woke up.

From Dream Moods:

Water Park
To dream that you are in a water park indicates that you are expressing an emotional high point. You are feeling emotionally satisfied and fulfilled.

Waterslide
To dream that you are on or see a waterslide suggests that you are being carried away by your emotions. You are being engulfed by your subconscious. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are going with the flow of things without any objection or resistance.

 

Floating

To dream that you are floating in water suggests that you have a handle on your emotions.

 

Water
To see water in your dream symbolizes your subconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To hear running water in your dream denotes meditation and reflection. You are reflecting on your thoughts and emotions.

Shark
To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness.

Fish
To see fish swimming in your dream signifies insights from your subconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish represents insights which have been brought to the surface. Alternatively, a fish swimming in your dream may symbolize conception. Some women dream of swimming fish when they get pregnant.

Here's to no more overthinking... and a lot more enjoying.

Dreams and Progress Finally Meet

Two weeks ago I was nervous waiting for something to happen. Last week I learned it wasn't OFW, thank goodness. But this week it has presented itself as to what it is: that job I want.

And, I had another dream. Yes, my crazy dreams!!!

This time I had left my ferret in the charge of someone I don't recall, and they lost her. I went outside to find her coming out of the storm drain/gutter, just fine.

Noni (the ferret) has made appearances in my dreams before representing (to myself) my tendency to be emotionally "split." Since I've had the last Noni dream, I have fallen in love with myself and embraced self-honesty, so no doubt her healthy appearance in the dream symbolizes the healthy self-guided changes I have made and the struggles I worked through.

Dream Moods helped me with the gutter bit and the finding Noni coming out of it bit:

Gutter
...To find valuables in the gutter in your dream suggest that you can find value in the least expected of places. Do not undervalue or underestimate things.

Found

To dream that you found someone indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction. The dream may also be a metaphor for finding yourself.

So putting this dream together with my airplane dream from two weeks ago, I would say that all the hard work I have done in the last year to get myself to where I am now is putting me in a very good place in the public eye, possibly in a new status (job?) that is elevated. I will not underestimate the value of my self-honesty through the process on which I'm about to embark: if I am not ready, it is a "not yet," not a "no." And I'll look inward to improve.

If I am ready, and it's a "yes," anyone in my way had better look out.

But in both cases, I have an official test this Thursday to evaluate my drawing skills before my interview. Wish me luck!

I am finally back to my sparkly self I once was, and never thought I would be again.

And this time around I am even more fabulous because not only am I a rockstar but because this time I am aware, too.

Airplane dreams and nervous honesty.

Good morning and happy Monday once again.

On Friday I mentioned that I felt like I didn't want to do fashion week anymore... well, yes and no.
No, I am not looking forward to the time away from Shawn that this will require.
Yes, I can do this.
When I lie to myself I tell me "You don't want that anymore..." when I, in fact, do want something. It's just a defense mechanism I have to protect myself from rough paths, whether they're worth the journey or not. So this weekend when I had a dream that I was afraid to get on an airplane with Shawn, I had a lucid moment in the dream where I just told myself "Just do it." I remember getting onto the plane and then I woke up.
I looked up the symbolism of Airplanes in dreams on dreammoods.com:

Airplanes
To see an airplane in your dream indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something. If the airplane is taking off, then it suggests that an idea or plan is about to "take off" and be put into action. It may also represent your need to get away and escape from your daily life.

So maybe this Fashion Week thing will be good for me... or maybe my subconscious is finalizing my self-confidence I just found in my future-mommy skills. In any case I finished the sketches of the outfits I committed to on my application for the show in case I get called for an interview by next week.
Wish me the best, no matter what that might mean...